What qualities do you look for when you're dating someone?

see "The List."

Ask me anything

The List

This is The List. "The list?" you ask? The List of attributes I am looking for in a husband and that I will not settle for anyone who doesn't meet most or all of the required items on The List.

I encourage you to make your own list. you can steal from mine if you so wish.

I shall update as additions are made.

---

1. Wants to be with me because of the kind of person I am

2. Calls me just to talk

3. Will study or read the bible with me

4. Will pray with me

5. Makes me want to be a better person

6. doesn't think I'm cute or hot or sexy but thinks I'm beautiful

7. likes to cuddle :)

8. loves kids and wants lots of them

9. makes me feel so lucky and blessed just to be his friend

10. wants to be my best friend and know everything about me

11. will visit me if he doesn't live nearby

12. stubborn enough to pursue me even though I'll probably avoid him for a month or two…

13. makes me—under God—his top priority

14. willing to speak to my father in person and will drive to my hometown.

15. be captivated by me

16. needs me and thinks he can do anything if I support him

17. will stand up for me and defend me immediately and for everything

18. has a high respect for books. The printed ones.

19. Wants to read my stories

20. Will hold me when I cry

21. Loves to sing with me—or to me

22. Won't ask what's wrong, he'll just be there

23. Isn't annoyed by me or scared away

24. Authoritative leader

25. Will put up with my rambling on and on about my characters and ballet and books and everything else I love to ramble about…

26. An important requirement: loves hugs.

27. Can have a conversation without making a sexual reference

28. Sets goals and finishes well.

29. One word: Chivalrous

30. Will sharpen and lead me spiritually

31. Serious about Holiness

32. Honest

<3

sky this morning at 7am

<3

photo

<3

ROFLMAO I can't stop laughing

ever heard of John and Hank Green? John Green publishes YA books—very controversial books but good with great messages for contemporary teens who are not easily offended—and he and his crazy brother hank do Brotherhood 2.0 and Vlogbrothers.

Here's the QA Video about them.

 

 

and here are some funny DFTBA moments:

bwahahahahahahahahahahah

you can also join the nerdfighters website here: http://nerdfighters.com

<3

Odly enough i had a dream last night. Here's what happened: yogi our dog was at college with me and i had to keep him in an appartment, so he had a pee bucket. He kept forgetting it was for pee though. Then i woke up and fell asleep for another dream, and i decided to cut my hair. In order to do this i had to take a shower so it was wet. But when Diva, my little sister, saw me with the hair clippers, she asked me to cut her hair. So i did. Thenn while i did that, Sunshine (sister #2) took a shower. When sunshine got out diva got in. Then mom woke up and i had to put the clippers away because she doessnt like it when i cut my hair myself.

*yawn-stretch* ok. To the gym for this fat ballerina!

<3

guilt

so here's the thing: this diet I was doing for school was taking over my life. After only three weeks I was at the point where I felt guilty for eating a brownie or peanut butter or a chicken patty. and the study was for my stress management class.

ironic?

so I'm done. I did it for about three weeks, and I'm going to put two of the three weeks up on the records and explain I couldn't continue doing it because of money, time, and stress, and how eventually I want to do the experiment on other people and for a long term. however, I did manage to drop my body fat percentage and weight over said two weeks. so I did what I set out to do. but for now, I'm done.

tonight for dinner, I hate a hamburger and pizza crust and a half a brownie and the whipped cream off a piece of cake. and I felt guilty for it and had to remind myself that I am now done with the retarded diet and I can eat what I want.

but even now I feel guilty.

I hate it! I want to be back at 130 or more pounds. and even though I won't look quite as great in a leotard, I chose to be satisfied with my body because I will never be thin enough to make myself happy.

see, I've always wanted to be about 115. I could do it if I worked really hard and had the time to exercise. but I like food. and I like it when my jeans fit. and I like having boobs.

but the thing is… even when I was down to 122 with a 14.8 body fat percentage, I still thought my legs were fat. I thought they weren't as fat, but I still looked at them and thought "ew. chubby jiggly yuck."

but unless I lost all my body fat and toned my muscles completely, I will never be satisfied. and the guilt I felt would have eventually, if I'd let myself keep going, become an eating disorder. not anorexia or bulimia, but still disordered eating to the point where I would be obsessed with losing weight.

thank God I'll never be a ballerina. He knew what He was doing by giving me bad arches and crappy knees and no turnout. He was saving me.

all I can say is, if you're not happy with your body, try changing it. you may change for good and be satisfied with the new change… or  you may learn that you were satisfied all along.

What movie are you most looking forward to seeing?

CITY OF BONES. <3 it better not suck like twilight did....

Ask me anything

Skipped my workout and ballet today. I blame the roommate. She was talking to her bf so i left and read CoG again and saw a friend and got a phone call and none of it would have happened if she didnt talk to him loudly and obnoxiously. Now its almost 10:00 and im still in bed.

Im still an emotional disaster from the stupid boy situation. I just want to meet the right guy already so i can remember why jace isnt what i want. I keep re-reading my list. I wrote more letters. I keep praying. But its still hard. Its getting easier but its still hard.

Now my legs hurt because i didnt exercise today. I'll have to exercise tomorrow for sure, which means go to bed early.

IVNAOVNSACN SOJDANFVOASN VJOSA DNVONSADOVNSJDKANV CKJSAD NV

yeah. I really just want to bash my head into a wall.

• school stress
• stupid boys (coughjacecough)
• no money
• no money with which to buy the books I want (they're ballet instruction manuals)
• my Achilles tendons are flaring up constantly lately because my pointe shoes are a half inch too high on my heel and my running shoes are worn out… so I have to stop running or stop dancing. a dance major can't just stop dancing. so now I have to get my cardio somewhere else, or get new $100 running shoes. I don't have $100.
• my knees are dislocated. again.
• im broke.

aw geez I'm PMSing.

dnaosvnanfvodsnopandsfla.

</3

o.0

so the problem with Jace is I feel like I need to distance myself from him so I don't like, I dunno, start drooling every time I see him, but I also feel like avoiding him will cause problems. and I don't need another voldemort on my hands. (for those of you who know that backstory. ugh.) and I feel guilty because he's my friend, and I like to actually spend time with my friends.

I'm still praying about it a lot. I just don't know what to do in the meantime while I'm trying to figure it out.

I have also decided that jace—the real jace from Mortal Instruments—is my favorite contemporary literary hero. or maybe he's a villain. I don't know. he's a disaster but I adore him.

on a totally random note… so I have these stick-on plastic speech bubbles on my door with special crayons you can use to write on them. someone keeps writing silly things on them. and I made pouch to hold the crayons out of paper and duct tape (I'm a very creative person) and the person put a clump of burnt pop-corn in the pouch today.

at first I thought it was flowers.

I'm really getting curious as to who it is. I hope it's a girl being silly. if it's a guy life will just get that much more complicated.

because that's the kind of guy I'd fall for: one who leaves clumps of burnt pop-corn at my door just to be obnoxious.

<3___<3

What's your favorite kind of snack to eat?

chocolate. or cereal. i like cereal. and pizza. but mostly chocolate. i also really like brownies. (oh wait, that is chocolate.)

and then there's strawberries with sour cream and brown sugar over pound cake. i like that a lot too.

M&M's...

yeah.

Ask me anything

Ive gotten to the pointe where i feel guilty for skipping my workout or sleeping past 6am. I used to sleep until noon. Amazing.

My sister and i might move out for the summer. The problem is we need to work to make some money but moving out would take some of that up.

We'll see what happens. Hopefully the strain there will bllow over by May.

My study is working. My bodyfat% dropped a point.

Will blog more later...

<3

fun, pointe, and pain

so I came home for my little sister's birthday party but I didn't tell her I was coming. it was hilarious.

long weekend at home. been nice but stressful. got my homework done though, so that's good.

and I found my brand new pointe shoes. yay.

got seriously inspired for one of my books. I can't wait to work on it. I knew there was something missing from my character's life and now that I've reconnected with a childhood friend, her character is becoming more and more clear.

feels good. it hurts because it's a disaster, but it feels good.

<3

James Bond or The Phantom Opera?

Michael Weatherly <3

Ask me anything

What's more important - who you know or what you know?

who you know, by all means. you can always google stuff you don't know.

Ask me anything

Good mornin humans, normal and special allike.

Idk if i had blogged about this, but for the pas two months i taught ballet to whoever showed up in the times i was there. I had one regular student and one who came when her knees werent too screwed up. Well yesterday my sstudent gave me a new leotard! Its beautiful. Its a dark royal blue, pieced, and fits perfect.

If only my thighs didnt look chunky.

Cant wait to wear it today though. I might videotape me dancing to show my mom

<3

Wake up em. I feel like sleeping because im tired and its raining outside. But im going to BCM to help clean. G want to meet the workers and servers in the group. I want then to be my friends.

Things you should know about girls

this is a working list I am compiling for boys who don't understand girls. any questions? leave a comment. girls: any additions? same; leave a comment and I'll add it.

1. if you want to show your girl how much you adore her, sending her flowers is nice and all, but she'd much rather you sit down and talk to her for an hour or so.
2. if she's mad, let her talk. let her scream. let her yell and throw things. then when she's done, explain. but LET HER GET IT OUT FIRST or she'll just get irritated. and don't think kissing her will help. it'll just get you a smack in the face.
3. if you think she's in a bad mood, don't ask "are you in a bad mood?" because the mood will get worse. and she'll probably lie about it anyway. so just hug her or make her laugh or if all else fails, just sit there and don't do anything. yes you are doing something to help: you're helping her release stress.
4. yes she does want your hoodies. probably your jeans and sweat pants, too. and they have to smell like you (after a shower).
5. Don't call her sexy or cute or hot. well you can once in a while, but not regularly. she wants to hear "Beautiful."
6. she'll deny it to her grave but she does want you to tickle her.
7. a little bit of PDA is ok but don't embarrass her.
8. if she starts complaining about something, don't try to fix it or do anything about it. all she needs is someone to talk to and she'll be ok (unless she asks for help)
9. one week a month she'll be a disaster. it's not her fault. she needs extra hugs.
10. don't. forget. her. birthday.
11. Anything you say or do with another girl that you don't want her to know is considered cheating.
12. the best way to calm her down is to make her laugh. preferably at you or something else, and not herself.
13. don't show off your muscles. she don't need you to flex for us to notice. the second you show off, she thinks you're disgusting.
14. if you tell anyone a secret she's shared with you, she won't trust you for a really. long. time.
15. please. she doesn't want to smell you until you're hugging her. go light on the cologne.
16. if you say something that makes you look or feel like a moron and you get nervous or embarrassed, she thinks it's cute. so smile and don't worry about it.

Texting helps me wake up in the morning.

Last night roommie watched 27 Dresses. I like that movie. I like Kevin even more. Omigoodnesshessexy.

Skipping gym this morning for homework.

Thank you, Jesus

Last night was amazing.

so this guy approached me last semester some time in October when crazy Jesus preacher man came to campus. I had gone to preacher man and talked to him and tried to convince him that yelling and screaming at people would not turn them to Christ. He'd come up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me because I was crying pretty hard. in fact some kid did a youtube video about crazy Jesus man, and in this one part you can hear me crying. it's horrible.

random. sorry.

anyway.

the guy came up to me a few days later and told me that he was really encouraged by me because of my tears, because it showed him that I truly loved Jesus. personally I don't think I love Jesus as much as I should—well that's a silly thing to say because nobody does—but it kind of hit me funny, because that was exactly what I had wanted to tell Brad (see sidebar if you don't remember that story).  and I hadn't. I knew how much bravery it took to do what he did for me.

or maybe it was easy for him and I'm just really introverted. I dunno.

anyway we eventually became friends on facebook. I saw him post one day that he was leading a Bible study outside starbucks at 8, so I left him a note that I'd be there and I came.

and see, for the past few days, I'd been praying for some Christian friends that are nice to be around and don't make me feel guilty for hanging out with them and like to talk about real God stuff, not just Bible jokes (coughjacecough)  and I met these kids and they were awesome. as far as names, I only remember the one guy who was leading it and one other girl. We'll call Bible-study-leader-boy "Will" and the girl I remember "Bethany." (they might come into play in this interesting story of my life later, so it's good to give them names now.)

the point is, it was really nice. I felt so good after spending time with them. the study went from 8-9:30, and then we got starbucks (well, they got starbucks, I managed to stick to my diet) and talked for another half hour at least. it was just really edifying and relaxing to know that I wouldn't hear a swear word or a sex joke and that I could talk about Jesus without feeling like I was preaching at my friends.

I'm totally going back.

I went to the dining hall today, and on my way out to leave I saw jace and sam, his roommate. they made me sit down and talk to them for almost an hour. it was nice. it wasn't awkward like I thought it might be, and it wasn't emotionally hard for me either.

I think I can manage to hang around him as long as it's few and far between. but I'm not doing the lunch every day thing. I don't trust myself enough for that. I'm too easily distracted.

I'm going to youth group tonight at 7:30. it's with some of the same kids from last night. I'm really excited.

Thank you Jesus :)

on a totally random note, we had a tornado warning last night. there was a lot of wind but we didn't end up having a tornado.

<3

Cant wait for next semester. My sister and best friend will be here on campus and ill be taking ballet and doing special projects and ill have my own room.

Went to a bible study with some realy awesome people last night. I had just been praying for some friends, specificaly ones that wanted to be around me. And this concert was key: i want friends who make of want to be a better Christian and love God more. Jace makes of want to rush rules and do my own thing.

But maybe once i get to know these friends i can introduce Jace to them.

I still pray for him.

two personalities within one human…

By day, he worked in the post office as a letter sorter, while at night he prowled parks and public toilets, looking for homosexual pickups.

~The Serial Killer files by Harold Schechter

It’s national book week. The rules are, grab the closest book to you, turn to page 56, post the 5th sentence as your status. Don’t mention the title. Copy the rules as part of your status.

I decided I wasn't posting that as my status. so I blogged it ;)

I have decided…

to follow Jesus!

well yes but actually this post is about sleeping. or rather, pajamas.

I have decided that pajamas are the best things in the world. I have really soft fluffy pretty PINK pajamas and they bring me great joy.

my brother once said something along the lines of "I want to wear my pajamas all day" and my dad (in his usual manner) started singing about it.

see, my dad… he sings about things. he picks a random tune and he makes up a stupid song. some of them are really funny! but others are retarded.

this was a funny one.

it goes like this:

I want to stay all day in my pajamas
'cause that's the thing I want to do
I want to stay all day in my pajamas
don't call my name I'll hide from you.

and it had a few other verses. I don't remember them all.

so I have my PINK pajamas and a PINK shirt that says:

Reasons why you love me:

1. I'm awesome <3
2. You have good taste
3. I look good in anything :)
4. I'm hi-larious!
5. I'm brilliant
6. you're brilliant. XOXOXO

and it also brings me great. PINK. joy.

can you tell I'm trying to blog and I don't have anything to write about?? *whispers –shhhhh don't tell!—*

so yeah. off to take a shower and then go to lunch. Saw Jace and Sam in the gym this morning because I've decided to start waking up early every morning instead of just three times a week. I'm sort of trying to avoid them but not in a mean way. I don't need more Voldemorts.

<3

Anon my butt.

ok so anonymous formspring kid was my little sister.

no wonder they seemed to know me so well…

our of pure curiosity

how many people read this thing? because I only have two followers but my stats say I have more than that. leave a comment, s'il vous plait.

merci ;)

really not thinking of good titles lately.

I've decided I'm going to have to back off. It's harder to remember the reasons I can't marry Jace when I'm seeing him and spending time with him all the time and he's being funny and sweet and charming. It was easier over Christmas and during the short two weeks where for some reason he didn't talk to me. Maybe he was doing the same thing like mom originally said?

or maybe he's just a clueless boy. I dunno.

either way, I've made my decision. I'm not going to ignore him, but I'm not going to try to find him at lunch, I'm not going to text him just to talk to someone, I'm not going to look for him at the gym. If I run into him that's fine, and if he wants to do something I'm game, but he generally doesn't and I don't think he will because he's less social than I am. And that's pretty antisocial.

Plus he's hanging out with another girl now. And last time I sort of felt bad when he was hanging out with his girl and I was sitting next to his roommate awkwardly watching them flirt. so I'm not going to do that again.

anyway, I'm at peace about it. it sticks because he's really one of my only friends on campus and I like him a lot for who he is, I just think I like him a little too much and he doesn't return that. I need to make more friends. besides, he's a senior next year and I don't want to invest all my time in one person who is going to be gone next may and probably not connect up with me again… he's not really one to chill on facebook or call up an old buddy just for kicks.

so there's that.

<:)

Do you like glow tape?

....what is glow tape? will you bring me some? please tell me your name because it's been bothering me!

Ask me anything

what is the difference between a raven and a writing desk?!

the question is "why is a raven like a writing desk."

Ask me anything

Do not stand there at my grave and weep

This is a poem I found in my stress management textbook (of all places) and it reminded me of my character, Ivan. he dies. It's a sad sweet violent death because the female protagonist loves him.

 

Do not stand there at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentile autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there. I did not die.

~Joyce Fessen

(For Ivan)

Date a girl who writes

this is a response post to Date a Girl Who Reads, which was a response to Date a girl…something else… I don't remember.

Date a girl who writes. She's hard to find because she's the one who stands in the corner of the room watching other people from a distance. She's the one who searches their faces and watches their body language. She stands close enough that she can hear but far enough away so that she won't be seen. She's a master at invisibility, and all the smart girls know she's the best at eavesdropping. They go to her for the gossip. She knows who is in love with who just by watching them.

You'll be a lucky man if you find her. She's the one with a journal in her hand, a notebook in her purse, scrap paper in her car, and pencils in her back pocket. she's always scribbling something, praying it won't evaporate before she gets it down onto paper. and because she's always scribbling, she's always looking down, and that's why you never noticed her before.

if you're lucky, you'll find her at a library or in a park or at a coffee shop or in an airport, drinking coffee and watching people or typing furiously at her computer. If you see her looking at you, look back and wait.

if she looks away she doesn't want to be interrupted and she doesn't want you to notice her, so pretend you don't. but if you can get her to look at you and not look away, she wants to talk to you. she's targeted you, pursuing you, inviting you. once she catches your eye, once she hears your voice that first time, she begins her profile. she's the one who will have your character in 10 seconds and have you completely profiled in 10 minutes.

after two weeks she'll know you better than you know yourself.

if you catch her muttering to herself, don't feel awkward, she's talking with the characters in her story, probably arguing about what happens next.

don't lie to her because she knows. she can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice, sense it in your energy field. she pays attention to every detail of your every word and if you're not careful, she'll ask the question that strips your lie away and you'll be humiliated.

so tell the damn truth.

If something is wrong, you may as well tell her because she'll figure it out. When something is wrong, you may as well tell her because otherwise she'll jump to the most absurd, most outlandish, most creative but ridiculous possibilities anyone could ever come up with, and when the truth comes out and she tells you what she thought, you'll remind her she's crazy, and she'll remind you that she knows this because of the voices, and you'll both laugh and hug and go on with life.

It's easy to shop for a girl who writes: office supplies like sticky notes and pencils, calendars, and especially beautiful journals will bring her immense joy because she knows that blank paper is the beginning of a new person, a new life, a new world. and holding that blank notebook in her hands lets her feel the power she knows exists inside her soul.

If you find out she's upset, don't ask her why, just let her cry until she hands you her journal and goes to stand by the window until you finish reading her most recent entry. She could never tell you what was wrong with her mouth because her soul is in her hands. once you read that entry, skip back in her journal and read the parts about you, because if she handed you her journal and walked away, it means she wants you to read it. she wants you to know that she dreams about becoming your only love every night, and that she has the whole thing planned out.

then once you know the plan, carry it out. she'll play along.

she'll write the wedding invitations, and the baby announcements, and stories for your children. she'll write you letters in your lunch every day and put sweet sensual notes on your pillow in the evenings. she'll ramble on and on as you take long walks along the beach and tell you all about a world that doesn't exist, and people who were never born and will never die and whom she loves as much as she loves your children, because her characters are just more of her children.

don't feel like you didn't help create them because chances are, if you love a girl who writes, there's a piece of you embedded in every hero, and a piece of herself in every heroine. you can sleep at night knowing that even after you both die, you'll both continue to live together in everyone else's minds through her books and stories, and you can live a thousand nights in stories that never end.

<3

uh, I don't know what to title this post.

I did eventually find my journal. lost and found picked it up and nobody read it, not even my teacher who saw it briefly but didn't open it.

huge relief.

nothing huge or exciting or important happened today, I had ballet and my knee didn't dislocate. that was nice.

mainly I'm still fighting to get my head back on straight about jace. it'll take some work. I'm not going to seek him out. if he finds me and we hang out that's fine, but I'm going to let it just happen, I'm not going to go find him. it's just too hard. he's a great guy. he's just not the right one.

list. list list list.

been debating posting the list. might do that eventually but for now it's still handwritten on a piece of pretty paper inside my journal. which is now almost full.

I really burn through journals.

im not random or anything.

<3

So there's nothing better than sneaking up on a guy when he's fuully engrosed in a Steven King novel. I spotted jace when i was walking through the student center. He was reading a book and had his back to me. Apparently that move lost me the gold stars i'd earned from bringing him cookies the day before.

He wants me to eat lunch with him again. We have the same days off and i've foung that i can eat certain foods in the cafeteria without getting sick.

His girlfriend and his facebook dont say they're dating anymore. But it doesnt say they're single either.

Stupid boy. But i cant not hang out with him because he's still my favorite.
<?

pretty.

from Monica

ohmygoodnessthisisnotgood

I lost my diary.

no seriously.

that thing has EVERYTHING in it! it has my homework assignments and my to-do lists and my prayers and my loves and hates and secrets and dreams and MY LIST! I'VE LOST MY LIST!!!!!

(the list hasn't been blogged about yet, you say? oh dear, say I.)

the list: (noun) a detailed wishlist of things I want in a husband. at the top it says "do not settle" and proceeds to outline 28 (so far) requirements (well not all of them are required) that I won't let go of or disregard when searching for my soulmate. example: "I will never date Jace because he only meets 11 out of 28 requirements on my list!"

I had it in my writing class, and then next thing I knew I went to take it out of my backpack and it wasn't in there. now the worst thing that could happen would be someone finds it and publishes it in the school newspaper, but the likelihood of that happening is slim because my handwriting is attrocious. and so is my spelling. quite obviously.

the second worse thing that could happen would be it never gets returned. it's got a lot of stuff in there that I NEED! there's a reason I wrote it down.

the third worse thing would be if one of my friends found it. specifically jace. it would be rather embarrassing.

not like I talk about him all the time. I mean I did in my other journals because he was a regular in my life. but not so much now. but still.

oy. must. find. journal. *winces and cries softly*

I mean, it says inside with a silver sharpie marker "please return!!!!" and has my name, address, and phone number, so there is no excuse.

but im having flashbacks of my novel. the character looses her diary and the protagonist finds it and falls in love with her.

o.0

PLEASE GOD LET ME FIND IT BEFORE ANYONE ELSE DOES………

<?

with my boys

Lately I haven't been going upstairs to eat in the dining hall because I got sick a few times from going up there. But recently I've discovered that if I'm really careful and I take the time to get the good stuff (even though I have to wait in long lines) I don't get sick.

so today I was up there and I saw Dylan. he was at a tiny table but he moved to a bigger one so I could sit with him. then Jace and his roommate and best friend showed up so I got a good dose of stupid guys today.

the thing about my guy friends is… they're all pretty fun to be around. they're laid back, they don't b!t@h about crap and gossip about people, and they don't complain about stupid things. they talk, they tell jokes (although some of them they force me to cover my ears for) and they act retarded just because they can. I love my boys.

it was nice seeing jace again. we hadn't really sat down and had a conversation for a long time… maybe since that first night of the semester? it's a lot easier to be around him now that he's dating someone.

finishing up the paperwork for my special studies major: ballet pedagogy. I will be the first dance major to graduate from my university. im that awesome.

more later.

<3

Sharing

Re-blogging is where you find something on another blog you like and you share it on yours, but you give credit where credit is due.

Re-blogging some love from The Monica Bird.

From The Monica Bird

So this is what God does.

so this is what God does:
Yesterday in church Pastor read a verse i'd been looking for: 1 peter 3:15, and it says be ready to give an answer but say it in gentleness and respect and love. I thought about when preacherman came to school last october and how i'd been looking for that verse. So i wrote it down and put a star by it so i wouldn't forget it.
And of course today... Preacher man is here.
Funny how that worked out, hu? I gave him a piece of paper that said " 1 peter 3:15: love" and just walked away.
Dylan is going to dress up like Jesus and ramble about history to draw people away from him, and i'm going to be there with my Bible. We'll see how this goes.

*edit* Didn't see Dylan and there was no crowd, so I just got out of there.

this post has no title.

So I found out that there are two City Ballets. (I'm calling it City Ballet instead of Cityname Ballet). One of them is a studio, one is the company. and the address the artistic director was wrong so my gps led me to an empty street corner. I was so confused.

But I know my way around that part of the city!

Home for spring break. I didn't tell my sister so when she saw me she was like "what the hell are you doing here?" then she started crying and hugging me. it was so sweet.

over break I've been working for my dad and making some money, working on my book, and working at the theatre painting a set that my dad doesn't have time to do (but we need to work in exchange for getting out ad in the playbill).

so far it's been really nice. I'm sorta missing the mountains though. I don't miss the food or the boredom. I miss dancing. I miss the gym. I miss the freedom. but I love my family and they aren't bad.

saw voldemort the other day in walmart. sorta freaked me out. I didn't expect him to be there because it was so late in the evening. he smiled at me and looked really confused and waved. I wanted to go hide behind something. he freaks me out for some reason. I guess now that I don't have a good reason to hate him—besides poking me in the arm with a dead crayfish—I'm back to where I was in high school. still haven't added him on facebook though. I deleted him when I thought he'd texted my little sister about dirty sex. (that was resolved).

but he sorta sticks in my head. maybe that's because he's inspired several of my books, or maybe it's just because he's annoying. what if I run into him again? ugh. I need to go back to school. or he needs to disappear forever and never bother me again, not even in my head.

and my daddy needs to find me a husband. fast. because there are creepy people everywhere I go and I can't say "im married" because it's a lie right now.

and im tired and rambling so don't listen to anythign I say.

<3

I love my daddy :)

My daddy is awesome. he's sweet and funny and ridiculous and I adore him. I just wanted to say that.

that's it. :)

<33333

characters

ended up writing a memoir about my characters Michael, Lezlianne, and Brett and a little of Lindsay. that was the most important story anyway. And Michael is the best character—he doesn't think so but that's what makes him so charming—and I adore him and he adores me.

going home for spring break. really excited. mom and dad are sending me gas money. othewise I'd be stuck here reading and doing nothing.

retarded. re.tar.ded.

I have to write a memoir for class. memoir? really? because I've experienced so much in my life. I mean I have. I could write about being a stupid depressed teenager. I could write about ballet. I could write about voldemort! but I really don't feel like it. I don't want to revisit that stuff and I don't want to share it with anyone. I don't want to write about the voices or the hallucinations or anything. but I have to write about something. it has to be 750-1000 words.

maybe summer camp? or when I was little and doing gymnastics? I dunno. I just don't want to write about the depression or the stupid boy.

So apparently…

Well. Let's start with Thursday night.

Thursday night my roommate came in with a friend of hers right before I was getting into bed. she said it was an emergency because her friend's boyfriend cheated on her. so they got ready to go out and get drunk (her friend's words—I… plan on making out with…someone…tonight. Don't care who. If he had fun, I deserve to have fun.).  right before they left, my roomie told me "oh, my boyfriend's coming Friday."

so I assumed it was yesterday Friday. or let's pretend it's Thursday: I assumed "oh he's coming tomorrow."

anyway, I hauled all my stuff up to the common's room and slept there (4th floor!) because I didn't want to sleep in a room with a man in there. I had texted her and asked if he could stay somewhere else and she was like "it's not my friend's job to host him, and we can't pay for a hotel. we're not going to do anything we're just going to sleep." anyway I slept in the commons room: by the way: did you know the lights are motion activated? did you know I toss and turn when I sleep? did you know I lost circulation about a dozen times because I was trying not to move and set off the motion sensor?

I had a sucky night.

came home this morning and they weren't in. either they left—and took his stuff?—or she meant next Friday. I'll have to ask her again.

if it is next Friday, I'm going to be prepared and contact my church and see if I can spend the night at someone's house that weekend. I'm not sleeping in there, and I don't ever want to have to sleep in a common's room again.

motion activated lights? really??

and my dream! omigoodness! I dreamed I was one of my characters, and I had this amazing knife (she throws knives at people. she doesn't like guns. she likes knives!!!! bwahahaha!!! sorry.) that was like a foot and a half long, and it could slice through bone like butter. I dreamed I took a slice out of someone's head like cutting a piece of cake. and decapitations? fun stuff.

ok that wasn't morbid at all. does that say something about me? or was it just a bad idea to write a fiction novel about a crazy Russian assassin right before bed?

on the bright side, I've been teaching this girl extra ballet classes, and she's doing really well. I'm remembering how much I love teaching!

minor random awkward detail: I found an AMAZING push-up bra on sale at walmart, and it makes me actually look like I have some shape up top! and it was only eight dollars! I'm going back today for another one. and for some milk. I'm out of milk. I can't make cocoa or oat meal or cereal without milk.

and potatoes. might need more of those. I've been eating baked potatoes (made in the microwave) with all sorts of fixings on them for dinner each night, because it's cheap and healthy. and the food in the dining hall makes me sick.

and I'm going to try to sell my block meals. we'll see how that goes.

I don't ramble at all.

<3

ok. hate over.

so we all do stupid things, right?

right.

apparently, one of voldemort's friends got his phone and was the one who texted my sister things he shouldn't have said. that means he's not as horrible as I thought he was, and I can't hate his guts anymore. because see, other than that, I had no reason to hate him. because I was as much as a jerk for ignoring him as he was for ignoring me.

feels good to let of of stuff.

feels good to know I won't have to tie him to a chair and cut his eyeballs out when I get home for the summer!!!

<3

ohhh ok wow.

so I'm re-reading my blog and seeing that some of my posts never posted. this explains some randomness of some of them. I do apologize.

<3

OH random.

so I forgot to mention.

last sunday (after Jace and Sam helped me raise my bed) I found out two things:

1) they are in the room right above me. lol.

2) jace came to church last sunday :))))))

which is awesome because I've been praying for him literally since I met him. I hope he comes back.

ok. off to the gym to attempt to do ballet.

<3333333333333333333

as demanded

well I've been told specifically that I need to blog again because certain friends enjoy stalking my life. obviously I'm slightly more interesting than I thought I was.

so basically.

the weekend after the move, my roommate's boyfriend came up to visit her. I won't go into details, but let's just say it was awkward. and this is coming from me: who doesn't really truly know the meaning of awkward? yeahhhhh o.0

ok. so.

as mentioned, Jace is talking to me again. I still have no idea what was going on, but I think I jumped to an incorrect conclusion. he gets up at about 6:30 and goes to the gym, so I see him monday/wednesday/friday briefly (can I just say… that boy looks wonderful? :D) , but we don't eat lunch together anymore :\ I haven't been able to catch him on tuesday/thursday and I don't want to drive him crazy.

I started dancing, as mentioned. it's quite wonderful. my cd should be coming soon, so I'll be able to dance by myself as well as in class. in fact I'll probably head over to the studio tonight and dance so I get my legs stretched out a little. unless someone offers to go to the event that's happening on campus. but as I don't have a ton of friends, I doubt anyone will. I'm doing well in dance. I've had two classes, I did some double pirouettes—they weren't good, but they were doubles!!—I got my scorpion back, and my strength is slowly returning. flexibility, not so much. everything hurts. I can't even pee without being in pain.

not like you wanted to know that random awkward detail.

I'm also eating ice cream more because apparently, 17% body fat isn't healthy.

I love how I go from ballet to ice cream.

I have this one friend. we'll call her Nelly (you know who you are) who is the most gorgeous girl ever. some crazy stupid blind people might think she's "big," (which she isn't) but most people just think she's curvy and beautiful. and she's got this incredible smile and beautiful eyes that make everyone just want to curl up and die in happiness. and she's a sweetie. she brings me great joy.

:p

and see, I'd kill for a body like hers. but I can't get it. –sigh-

anyway.

I'm working on my book a little bit here and there. but I have a lot of reading to do this semester, so I don't get a lot of time.

and—also—I now have a penname. so my books are on a different website and some of my poetry is up there.

and that's all for now. I'll be blogging more often I think, mostly with my phone though. because see… I don't like to carry my computer with me?… and my phone is a lot easier.

so yeah.

<3

Started dancing again! Feels great when i'm not focusing on how hard it is and how badly it hurts... My muscles hurt so bad, literally when i do anything. Karen, a friend of mine, told me that her ballet teacher lets other people come to class just to dance. So i've been actually doing class!! It makes me feel so good ^^

i'm also going to run with karen (maybe, if she feels like getting up at 5:45 am) and i'll be doing my own class for myself and a few other girls who want extra help three times a week. I e-mailed my former ballet teacher and found out the artist of the music she used, so i snatched up the cd online. I'M SO EXCITED TO DANCE TO MY FAVORITE MUSIC AGAIN THAT IT'S BOT EVEN FUNNY.

My bookshelf came yesterday. It looks great in my room ^^
<3

Kinda want to work on my books but i've already climbed into bed, and my computer is off.

Ate dinner with Jace and Sam last night. Didn't expect to see them. Jace was as great as ever. He and sam helped me raise my bed up last night. Or rather they did it and i stood out of the way and held stuff for them. Anyway it was fun.

Church tomorrow, then probably homework all day. Might attempt to be social later. Also need to knit a new scarf because i lost my old one. :/

<3

New roommate turned out to be a success. She's sweet and funny and likes to talk. She says she's a christian, she's got Bible verces up on her wall and stuff. And it's great because she pretty much has the same schedule i do.

Thanks, Jesus!

<3

Well jace got back from his trip and he's talking to me again. He's going to help me move tomorrow. It's such a relief.

:)

<3

Room change starts tomorrow. Gonna try to get a room in one of the honors dorms. But there aren't that many rooms open...and i have no idea how im going to move all my stuff. Who knows. God help me.

so apparently…

so apparently, jace is acting "really frigging weird" around all his friends, not just me. Sam said the idea of me annoying him to the point that he wouldn't like me anymore is silly because he puts up with him and his other friends and they're all more annoying than me.

which is one of the reasons I was so confussled about this whole thing. I mean, i 'm not that bad compared to some of the girls he hangs out with!! gah!

anyway. I've been praying for him for a while, praying that God softens his heart and changes his life. he's not horrible… I just don't see him living like a Christian, I see no fruit. it took me almost a week to figure out he even knew who Jesus was.

maybe this "acting really frigging weird" is God working in his heart. I hope that's the case.

mom still thinks he's in love with me. I doubt that seriously.

sam said he'd "beat the hell out of him" when he got back. he needs it.

and a hug.

well, I need a hug. which is why I hope he starts talking to me again. I miss him and his hugs.

<2

Strained my foot. Trying to keep my body warm and my foot cold.

Didn't do anything today. Got up at 1pm and worked on my writer profile...basically i'm disconnecting my name from my books.

Hope it works.

Jace hasn't spoken (texted) to me since monday night. Last week. Driving his roommate to church tomorrow. We'll call him Sam. He'd e-mailed me about some God stuff over break. I invited him to church. We're both pretty quiet, so it'll probably be a little awkward, but it'll be ok.

Maybe he can clear up some of this crap with jace.

sigh. ok.

well I called my mom and got her take on the whole thing. she thinks maybe I'm to clingy and that I scared him off. or maybe that he just needs to back off and figure out his priorities and how he feels about me. which is slightly scary because if that man told me he was interested in me I have no idea what I would do. probably awkwardly stare at his beautiful eyes and wait until he said something of an easier topic.

anyway.

I'm still praying for him and I'll be here if he ever wants to talk to me again. I just hope that mom is right and that he doesn't hate me.

</3

He still wont answer. At the point where i just want to ask why. I wanted to ask voldemort the same thing but i just let it go. Look how that turned out.

Is posting a comment that hard?
Just wondering.

oh. my. God.

these are the things that we talked about over Christmas.

• my father and brother talked about how younger boys can shoot their pee farther than older boys. maybe I should rephrase and say "bigger boys" and "smaller boys."
• my sister got two ornaments at an exchange and she continually referred to them as "her balls."
• my sister (yes, same sister) spent a whole conversation explaining how horses look so funny when they… ok. "stretch their thingie." my father (bless him) had to explain how that works. Lord have mercy that was awkward.
• "ode to the dog…. who lays on the floor… that we adore… whose dander flies through the air…. in the lightning…" as sung by my sister. she was sick. she's extra loopy when she's sick.
• my brother explained to the pastor's son what a fart was, what it sounds like, how it works, and all the lingo associated with it. it was actually rather entertaining. he seemed to think it was funny when you get in trouble for farting in public.
• sister 1: "I'm the headless horseman!" *pulls bathrobe over head.
  Sister 2: "If you're a man, I'm never sleeping with you again."
  Sister 1: *long pause, awkwardly stares.*
  Me: "Sister 2!… you don't say stuff like that."
• My parents have been married 25 years in June. they still think they're teenagers. Let me explain: My dad twisted his ankle after jumping over a fence when he was transplanting a tree. (he forgot he was over fifty.) mom said "We'll have to nurse him today." dad said, "Ooohhhh…" later the next morning mom asked "Do you need help getting dressed?" dad said, "Well," in the most james-bond-esque voice he could manage. Yeah. and stuff like this happens all the time.

thank God I'm back at school. even if my friend is ignoring me.

so angry.

I'm angry at myself more than anything. I've done it again. jace is ignorning me. I've annoyed him to the point that he's exhasperated, and he's done putting up with me.

but I have no idea what I did.

same thing happened with Voldemort. of course I hate voldemort, and I don't hate jace. I like jace. probably more than I should. he's a nice guy, he's hard not to like. voldey? he was was really easy not to like.

so now I've scared off my closest friend on campus. I feel exactly where I was before, last semester at the beginning of the school year, when Sarah was the only person I knew. only now I know more people and they're sort of my friends, but I don't know them very well.

I really hope I'm wrong. that's all I can say. in fact I hope I'm wrong about voldemort as well. but I don't think I am about either. unless someone stole voldemort's phone and texted my sister on it, and jace lost his phone and just decided not to eat for the past few days.

and it hurts more than it should. I knew he could never be more than a friend because he's just not right for me. but he was a good friend. for three months.

that's fine. God is enough. well Lacrae thinks so. and I know so. it's just annoying. why can't I keep a friend for more than a few months?

one of these days I'll be somebody's "normal," not someone's "weird friend." maybe he'll love me enough to marry me.

I hate boys. maybe I'll just never get married. bah! humbug.

*tear*

and we've had a foot and a half of snow, so classes are canceled.

</3

Borrrreeddd. Had a long weekend of laying in bed feeling like crap and now that i'm healthy i can't seem to find any of my friends. I haven't socialized since friday so i'm kinda feeling wacky. But i'm also thankful for the solitude because it feels good to be alone. I recharge by myself, or in disconnected chaos (dining hall, loud room, the track) but i sorta miss my friends.

And i haven't had a hug since friday morning.

Ugh.

Brainstorming ideas for books. I've got some interesting ideas. I also revised the characters in two of the books i'm working on and it makes much more sense this way.

Sorta hanging out hoping i see jace. But i probably won't because he never sees me, and tends to walk right past me. Maybe i should just head to *$ and knit.
<3

Got sick friday night at about 9pm. at first i thought it was food poisoning but it didnt fade, and i got a fever. It finally broke this morning at about 6am.

The gym opens at one and the book store opens at noon, so i have a few things to get done today. I need a shower and i have a book to buy, and i need a new internet cable. My old one broke :/

Still havent seen jace or any of the others. Monday classes are cancelled ^_^ so i get a realy long weekend. I Dont have class until Wednesday.

This t9 thing is pretty cool once you get a hang of it...

Will blog again soon, hopefully about more important things.

<3
~Haley

blah

I don't really get homesick for my family. But right now i'm right now i want to go back to school. Im staying at a friends house right now, and i adore her, but i miss my room, and my stress is on high right now. i got the date wrong for move-in day so i can't leave until tomorrow :\

Sigh. I think ive annoyed jace this month a lot. I need to just stop texting him all together.

I think i'll knit or write or something.
<2

an antisocial moment

I have those once in a while. I get tired of dealing with people ans their sh!t so i leave and get my head back on before i blow up at them.

Today is one of those days. I'm so ready to go home to the mountains, i miss my friends and my room with all my crap on the walls and i miss making campbell's soup in my room. I miss jace and his awesome hugs. I miss the 12 degree mornings. I miss it all.

Right now im in my room hiding under a blanket. It feels good under here.
I should probably add that im tired from no exercise, no dancing, more treats and less lettuce than i normaly eat, and im on my freaking period.

Stupidness.

</3

oh dear

my dad forgot he was 51 and jumped over a fence. he sprained his ankle and is now on the couch.

silly man.

curiosity

Out of pure curiosity, i wonder if i send a two page message to blogger if it will post as one post or two?
We filmed a zombie movie today, me and the girls. It was fun :) i was the zombie. For those of you who know me, search my firstnamelastname on youtube and you'll find it :)

*edit: SWEET IT WORKED!

:)

Happy new years! I hate making resolutions, because I figure why start a habit in January? if you're going to start a habit or resolve to change, don't wait until the beginning of the year. just do it.

however.

1. I will try to read my Bible every day, and journal my prayers. It's good for me. it's commanded of me.
2. I will try to study more in school. having my own room or having a study room will help with that.
3. I will try to run, dance, stretch, or exercise a few times a week. Hopefully every weekday (at school. can't do it here and now because I don't have a gym at home!!!)
4. grow my hair out so that this time next year, it's silky and healthy, not half-silky and half-tattered.
5. write more!

Things I'm not going to bother resolving to do because it won't work or would be pointless

1. keep my room clean (I'm hopeless. honestly.)
2. lose weight (I do this by accident, not on purpose.)
3. eat better (I eat what I like and my pants still don't fit. again, pointless.)

So there you go.

:)

<3

invisible man-stabber!

Omigoodness my sister just stabbed an invisible imaginary guy. She is now glaring at him. His leg is still bleeding. She offered him a bandage. SHOOT ME NOW!!!!

Christmas :)

We had a great christmas. I got a lot more stuff than i thought i would. I guess mom likes buying stuff for me. The party was great and Family time was nice. :)

I'm ready to kill someone

I have no words. I want to go home. to school where I BELONG. where at least I have a few friends. where people aren't being bitchy all the time. I always thought I grew up in a home with six Christians. I'm seeing now that that is not the case. and it's getting really painful.

need to go home.

omigoodness

Dear Jesus

please let it snow again.

Amen.

:)

<3

Back to snow

So it's 20 degrees outside, supposed to get to 18 tonight, supposed to be 12 tomorrow night. had snow today, supposed to have snow tomorrow too.

thing is, I used to think that 38 was cold. now 38 is like… "no sweater needed" kind of weather. 45 is "shorts and t-shirt go for a run" weather.

I got a good look at some snowflakes today. they fall like pieces of down from a blanket, and when you look at them, really look at them… they look just like they do in the storybooks. up close, the detail is incredible. and they're so small… and there's so many of them…

and every single one is different!

tell me again… whose idea was it that the world evolved from a cosmic soup?… stupids.

here's what I did today: since church was canceled and I couldn't drive in the slush anyway (because it warmed up to like 38 earlier so it kinda got messy outside…) I stayed in bed until like… 9:30. then I saw it was all white outside and I knew I couldn't sleep anymore. so I got dressed and went for a short walk around my dorm room in the snow and took some pictures (check fb for those of you who know me) and called my mom like… twice. because I was so excited. then I went back inside and made some oatmeal and worked on my new book for a while, then I packed up my stuff and headed off to *$ to study. then I ate lunch in the dining hall and went home (took a walk while I was at it) and knit some christmas presents. that was about it. pretty dull day.

oh yeah. the Freon is leaking out of my refrigerator… good thing that stuff isn't as toxic as some people say it is. dad said maybe it would be good for me… maybe it would fix my brain and I'd be normal… pfsh. Freon as treatment for insanity. I'd love to believe that…

but that would make the voices go away, and they keep me company when my friends decide not to hang out with me. they keep me sane.

the voices keep me sane. omigoodness.

totally random note: I just had the first regular 28-day cycle of my life. dead serious… maybe getting out of my lousy little town was better for me than I thought…

* *** * ** ** * * * * *** * *** * ** ** * * * * *** * *** * ** ** * * * * ***

* *** * ** ** * * * * *** * *** * ** ** * * * ** *** * ** ** * * * * ***

:)

<3

yay snow!

** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * *

^^ snow :)

<333333333333333333333333

Slightly Depressed… well…

ok maybe a little more than slightly.

see, im on my period. so I'm sorta in a bad mood. and see, I want to see this play tonight, but I don't want to go by myself, and I don't really have anyone to go with, because Jace goes to an irish bar on thursday nights with his friends (must be a guy thing) and derek is probably gonna hang out with his new girlfriend—the girl I wrote about a while back. he did end up eventually asking her out—and my nerdy friends are probably studying.

so yeah.

sigh.

</3

Guys scare me.

my poor brother. I'm trying to convince him that he needs to not date this girl he likes because he's leaving for school next fall, and he needs to get through college and get a good job and establish himself before putting a girl in the picture. he doesn't believe me. he's all "imma be a musician and they all start off broke so it's ok" and "well I can do long distance" and such. it's scaring me.

been trying to pound some sense into his head for the past month. he doesn't seem to be absorbing any of it.

gah. stupid boys.

just ranting.

just ignore me.

</3

Christmas Wishlist

I'll probably add to this as I go. I never remember things that I want for Christmas until like… three days before… and also at random times.

• Earphones or Headphones (my brother has mine… and my good ones broke :\ )
• Amazon gift card is always nice… for music downloads or yarn or books… :-)
• Papermate ™ Profile gel pens. They're my favorite for taking notes
• Homespun yarn. I am so making a blanket for next semester…  <3

A quick song

by The High Kings. they make me smile.

:)

see?

Not to mention that Brian  and Darren are adorable.

<3

ooooh yes that felt good.

I just scared off one of my sisters stalkers… voldemort. yeah. him. he'd been texting her again, even after last time. granted all he'd said was "hi, it's Voldemort." I texted back and said "yeah and this is me, do not text her again."

he hasn't.

bwahahahahahahahaha!

Still sick. Lost my voice. lovely timing since my debate is today. Gonna pack and clean my room after lunch. Idk if i'll sit w/ Jace or not, though.

Sick.

teehee

cute layout. it is adorable. I love it. it looks like a diary.

of course… diary's don't have spell check, so it doesn't look like MY  diary. neither do I capitalize much of anything in my real diary.

I felt like being random today.

BLAH!

hehe.

<3

Birthday

Had a good birthday. Sarah and Kelsey gave me cards (Kelsey gave me some tea!! :) and i went to church. then i went home and did laundry and homework and ate chocoalte, then went to youth group at church. got lots of facebook messages :) and of course i have fb mobile so i got them all on texts too... that was funny. anyway.

although i didn't get any hugs from my family :/ my sister did, however, call me and sing "happy birthday" at the top of her lungs, and my DH (dear roommate) could hear it on the other side of the room with the tv on. we were both laughing.

on to class.

<3

my conclusion

I have come to the conclusion that Jace is not flirting with me. or actually he is but he's just like that. he flirts with EVERYONE. that's just the way he is.

which is a relief because he's one less person I have to worry about.

I haven't heard back from Dave so that's good—no I'm not going to take the job are you kidding me—and Voldemort doesn't count anymore, so I'm free from boys.

temporarily.

watch another one be thrown into the mix as soon as it all calms down. I'll have one week of peace and then BAM another stupid boy will show up and start messing with my brain…

I really need to just get married and be done with it.

<3

Things I've managed

1. I've made a list. A list of things I want in a husband, and I've promised not to settle for anyone who doesn't meet every single requirement. That takes a few people off the "potentials" list, even if they did change. Of course that also leaves the list blank. But I'm trying to relax and not worry about it.
   
2. I've managed to eat half of the huge chocolate lava cupcake my mom sent me for my birthday. I've also managed to gag and cough and break out on my chin. But I really needed the chocolate because I'm going to be alone and doing homework and on my period on my 19th birthday. I've had sucky birthdays, but at least my mom was going to be there to give  me a hug.
   
3. I've dislocated my knee again. hey, I never said this list was things I managed to do right. my knee tape started peeling last night—got caught on my pjs—and today I squirmed in bed or something and popped it. so now it hurts. good job silly girl!
   
4. I've managed to miss a call from my best friend
   
5. I've written 2.5 of the 5 annotations for my annotated bibliography. due on Thursday. it shouldn't be too bad though, because the articles are so short I'll probably finish by tomorrow afternoon.
   
6. I helped a friend
   
7. I got a ride home for thanksgiving
   
8. I made a pair of mittens for my grandma that she likes
   
9. I managed to miss dinner with two sets of friends (one with Derek and his friends and another with Sarah and her friends, whose birthday is today) and miss creative writing club because I was so sick and tired and nasty from this stupid period.
   
10. I managed not to fall asleep in either of my classes today
    
11. I've managed to feel depressed, lonely, tired, sick, and rejected all in about four seconds simply because my teacher said something along the lines of "You guys are all English majors!" and I'm literally the only one in the class who isn't.
    
12. I've managed to make a complete disaster of my room.
    
13. I've managed to fill up my laundry bag with all my favorite clothes, leaving me with only crappy boring shirts and ugly sweat pants. not like it matters because I have acne again and I feel like shit because I'm on my freaking period.
    
14. I've managed to go several days without reading my bible, which is why I feel tired and lonely and depressed. Why do I do this? because I'm like the Israelites.
    
15. I've managed to break my Ethernet cable somehow—or maybe it was already broken—and it doesn't lock into my computer, so it's always slipping out and making me lose connections.
    
16. I've managed to take a four hour nap in the middle of the day.
    
17. I've managed to escape Starbucks without ordering anything at least twice in the past week
    
18. I've managed to only eat one piece of pizza—and whose idea was it to put pineapple on pizza anyway? idiots. I can' believe I used to like that stuff.
    
19. I've (somehow) managed to burn the top of my mouth—maybe it was the pizza—and I have a nasty piece of skin hanging in my mouth that I can't get off and it's driving me mad
    
20. I've managed to have a whole conversation with Jace without him flirting with me. (at least I don't think he was flirting with me.)
    
21. I've managed to stop picking my nails, both recently and long term. I no longer bleed when I touch things and I have fingernails :)
    
22. I've managed to figure out almost every Christmas present I need to make, and have finished a few of them
    
23. I've managed to make a backup of all my novels
    
24. I've managed to start getting over Voldemort…
    
25. I've managed to make a list of 25 things I've managed.

to mommy

one of the reasons I started this blog is for her. see I'm not very good at talking and explaining myself. so I write stuff down and I can make it understandable so she can understand me clearly.

I know my mom is busy and she probably hasn't checked this blog in forever. but this one is for mommy.

I LOVE YOU!!!

(just sayin')

<3

The Problem with Poetry

The Problem with Poetry
is you need something to say
and you need to say it
in a certain way
But when you can't count or think
in words or phrase
you're always left
with a blank page

And the problem with song writing
is you need to sing
to create a sound
that links verse with key
but when you don't know notes
you're left standing
at a mic or piano
with all purpose missing

But the thing about writing
is it's so versitile.
you can show it or say it
let it take a while,
or multum in parvo
or not say it at all
but you're never left empty,
and always feel full.

Payback is beautiful

So Jace has been putting my silverware in my drink every time I get up from the table. today I saw him in the dining hall and waited until he got up and turned the corner, then found his seat and got him back.

it was funny. made me laugh.

payback is beautiful.

Voldemort must die

I don't know if I can let go of this one.

remember Voldemort? yeahhhh just found out he did something recently that has something to do with my family. just in case, I won't say anything specific. but oh my God I could kill him.

^@%@^&%$*&@#$^$#!@&%*^^%*&@$^#$@&*@%$

-takes deep breath-

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I do to scare boys off!

Let's call me "Me" and the boy "Dave." just for sake of conversation.

Here is the text convo I just had. Background info: I was possibly getting a job cleaning this grad student's house a few times a week.

Dave: I have someone working now, but I might be able to use you after thanksgiving.

Me: Awesome. I'll have my car by then.

Dave: Sounds good. The girl working now isn't as cute as you, so it's not distracting lol

Me: Hahaha… Uh is that good or bad?

Dave: Haha idk. If you worked here I might be tempted to hit on you

Me: Should I bring a bodyguard? a guyfriend offered to come with a baseball bat :P (which is true, I mentioned this to Jace and he said he and Derek could come and sit on the couch with baseball bats and look intimidating :P)

Dave: Haha I'm not that bad :)

(I didn't answer)

Dave: But if you want to hang out some time I wouldn't mind

Me: that might be fun. Text me sometime and let me know (I'm thinking starbucks, lunch, library…)

Dave: Ok. want to catch a movie sometime?

Me: I'm… not… allowed. But we can hang out some time, like casually.

Dave:What do u mean not allowed?

Me: Well my dad doesn't let me date, and even though we're obviously not "dating" his definition is pretty broad. It took him 10 years to give me permission to ride in a guy's car…

Dave: Really?? why is that, aren't you like 18?

Me: Well actually I'll be 19 in a few weeks. But until I marry, my dad is the man in charge of me :)

Dave: I understand, I came from a strict family too. But how can you marry if you can't date first?

Me: Ah… you might not believe this… I'm going to have an arranged marriage

Dave: Wow, really? well I hope that goes well for you

Me: yeah :) thanks

 

 

We texted a little more (he told me I was gorgeous which totally made my day) but the whole thing made me laugh. he's probably not going to ask to hang out again :P

see, this is what I mean by scaring people away!

I'll tell you my name

well… my middle name. it's 'procrastination.'

I have an essay due tomorrow that I've brainstormed just a little bit for. it's definitely nowhere near done.

however, I am good at writing essays under pressure and shall do just fine.

now I'm off to lit class. I love lit class. all my cool friends are in that class. Well, almost all of them.

did I mention I changed my minor to Professional Writing instead of literature?… I like writing more than I like reading. next term I may change my major too. idk. we'll see.

<3

Soooo confused

Ok. So.

First Jace flirts with me. then he seems uninterested, but likes to talk to me. We eat lunch together w/ his friend three times a week, and I have class with him the other two days. he'll text me and we talk after classes about our books and characters and dreams (the literal ones, about zombie-filled jewelry shops and aliens in dorm buildings) and say things like "text me and we'll hang out."

so then I text him. and he implies that he doesn't want to hang out. so I figure I'm annoying him and give him a break from me, and just talk to him when I see him.

then he flirts again. he teases me and touches my hair and knocks into me on purpose. today he stole my cucumber off of my plate.

I'm so confused. I don't know what he wants and I can't tell if I'm annoying him or not. and unless he has some major revival or something, I'm never going to marry the guy.

I mean he could change. I hope I'm around to see it, I hope I can be the tool God uses to show him what a Christian really lives like. Because right now, he ain't livin' it.

Anyway. that's what's annoying me right now.

And that on every episode on NCIS Saturday the criminal was trying to kill Abby. And she's my favorite.

I got three boxes in the mail today, and a letter and a small parcel. I ended up getting a card from a sweet lady in our church, three books, and two pairs of pointe shoes <3 <3 <3 so excited about those shoes!!!!! I'm currently working on fixing them. I've put about two hours into them so far, it'll take about four more before they're usable.

and I'm working on a few knitting projects. :)

<?

Whee well that was a scare

Derek has had this crush on this girl for like a year. He finally asked her out the other day and she said yes, so he was all "GAH WHAT DO I DO NOW!" it was funny and kinda cute. anyway he wanted to watch the DVD series that he let me borrow with her, so i had to FIND it before their date started.

nearly had to tear apart the room to find it.

but i did eventually find it.

he has yet to tell me how the date went. it should be interesting to get his take on it. if i can get a chance to talk to the girl that would be even better.

it's funny too, because you would never expect those two to date. they're so different. which is good because he said he was trying to find a girl who he could actually have a long standing relationship with, not just a casual dating relationship, and she's the kind of girl who would be serious.

there may be hope.

anyway. he seems to think that i'm a great judge of character so he's been asking me for advice. which is funny because i've never dated ANYONE and i've never had any kind of relationship but friendship. Well and hating and ignoring each other and pretending to be friends, but Voldemort is the only one who's got that one. because he's so special.

not.

yes i still want to wring his neck. or maybe shoot him from a distance so i don't have to even talk to him. that would be awesome.

i'm not violent at all.

have to study. Jace is at home giving his cats shots, and i have two tests next week. blech.

:P

Trying to determine..

i'm writing a christian romance series, and i'm trying to determine how much intimacy is appropriate. honestly i'm not sure. especially because some of the characters are married. obviously i'm not writing anything explicit, but it's hard to determine, you know? because i want it to be real, but not out of place.

i think i'll just write it with my audience in mind, and have a few friends read it through and tell me if it was ok, or if i need more or less. i mean, christians have the same general desires as nonchristians, so especially when i write the earlier stories when the characters are still courting or dating i want it to be real for them, and that includes desires.

it's just confusing.

i'm loving this series though!!!!!!

<3

grrrr

i just don't get it, really. is there something i'm missing? do i just not understand what he's thinking?

Jace says that i don't annoy him, that he likes talking to me, that i'm fun. he says to text him so we can hang out.

then i text him to hang out and he avoids saying yes.

he says to find him at lunch or dinner so we can eat together, but even when i'm in clear view he never comes to sit with me.

it just doesn't add up. his initial interest has died, so that's good. but i still want his friendship—it was all i'd wanted in the first place—because he's really cool and i like him as a person. but i can't figure him out.

and sometimes it hits me, like today, how incredibly lonely i still am. i have a few friends; my pretend brothers/sisters, and then out here my Sarah (not her real name, but i knew her from home), and Kelsey (a friend that Sarah introduced to me) and Jace and Derek.

but i'm not really close to any of them. Derek and i talked on the phone a few nights ago, but that's it really.

i want to find a friend that i can trust implicitly and no that i'm not annoying him or going to scare him off or freaking him out.

but it takes me so long to make real friends like that.

like i have this one friend. iv'e known him forEVER. like my whole life. basically we couldn't not be friends if we tried. or if he tried to ditch me i just wouldn't let him. but we're just brother/sister. i want someone who loves me.

sigh. frustrated. just ignore me. i have these days every once in a while and it passes and i'm fine for another few weeks. or days. or whatever.

just whatever.

 

so besides being bored and depressed and lonely… today i rode my bike to walmart.

yes i'm serious.

rode to walmart, got stuff like groceries and chocolate, and rode back. when i got back my roommate was back in.

own room gone. sigh. oh well.

then i went and danced for a while. that was AWESOME except it really hurt because my toe is still bloody from friday, and i'm really tight.

i was going to run too but i forgot my shorts and i didn't want to run in a skirt or a leotard. so i was like 'whatever. tomorrow.'

so now im in the dining hall and working on my book. i love this book. i really kinda wish my male protagonist was in my life :P

sigh.

</3

Danny Boy

Thursday was the first day of fall break :D I goofed off and was lazy and slept in but then went to the library and read my Bible for a while and tried to get stuff done. Didn't really get a lot done, but that's ok. Who cares, right? Went to lunch and saw Jace, so I ate with him and his roommate for a while. Went back to my room and looked at the new books I got that day in the mail… some awesome looking young adult hard-covers that'll eventually go to my local library.

that night i had a really horrible dream. i dreamed that there was an alien who was going around and killing students. it was a vampire alien. it would kill the roommate and then circle back and kill the one that was left when it was done with that hall. i decided, because i was smart, that i would kill it. so i went to my RA and told her to get a butcher knife from the kitchen and i got Jace to teach me how to shoot a gun. (idk if he actually knows how to shoot a gun in real life btw) so i fiddled with the light switch and made it motion activated, and put duct tape over one corner so it wouldn't turn on until the alien was close enough for me to kill it the first time the second the light turns on. so here i was thinking it would be hard to kill.

easiest thing i've ever killed in my life. (because of course in my dream i'd killed lots of stuff.)

anyway. the alien was scary. it looked like the one from Signs.

On Friday I went to the gym and danced en pointe (my sister brought me my 5 1/2 4X M shoes and they still have suede on the bottom!!! yay!) they felt SO DAMN GOOD IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!

sorry. shouldn't say that.

but really they did. it felt SO GOOD to be up on my toes again, over my arches and out of my feet. i did some echapes and some chase arabesques and some piques and such.

then i took a niiiiice hoooot shower in the gym.

while i was stretching, i listened to my music. i was listening and singing to Danny Boy by The Hunt Family… which is an awesome arrangement btw. beautiful and haunting, the way it should be. so i was singing it (i was alone in the studio) and later when i was in the dining hall, this guy kept looking at me. i ignored him (thanks to Voldemort, i'm good at that… don't you love my fake names! hah.) but later he passed me and was singing Danny Boy softly to himself.

Well, he was trying to get my attention. But when guys try to get my attention, i don't give it to them.

so i didn't ask and i just left.

i was gonna hang out with Jace but he left for some special magic game competition.

Saturday i didn't do much. Knit, read, ate in my room.

Today, I didn't have a ride to church so I sorta did the same thing: chilled and did nothing. But I went to the dining hall at about 6-ish because i REALLY wanted chocolate and it was too late to go to walmart and get some but i knew it would probably be dark by the time i got back. Jace was back from his thing so we talked for a while. i was so much in my "weird mode" from not socializing all week that i said some pretty wacky things. i was totally rambling. definitely made myself look like an idiot.

but then i'm ok with that, because i kinda am an idiot.

w/e.

he left and i stayed and finished my chocolate cup cake. <3 his roommate was still there so we talked for a while—i don't remember what about—but in the end he was flirting with me. i was like 'great. here we go again.'

i totally won our argument btw.

now i'm back in my room and working on my book. i love these characters! I put Derek and Jace in the book and it is turning out WAY better than if i'd left it the way it was before.

and that has been my weekend.

i have monday and tuesday left of break. i have several books to read, some articles to read, a test to study for, and a walmart trip to make… i think i can do it.

we'll see.

<3

Furious

I am so freaking pissed. I really am. I could beat the guy up.

if you have no idea what i'm talking about, read my public blog. someone seriously tainted Jesus Christ's reputation today and it made me so mad that I cried for a very long time.

but not just mad. i feel heart broken.

i'm not going to elaborate because i might say something a hell of a lot worse than pissed.

</3

ok slacker

i haven't written since tuesday. i feel guilty.

ok. wednesday not much happened… woke up early, got breakfast, went to *$ and read by Bible for a while, went to classes. i ate lunch with Jace (fun) and then i think i studied for a while.

thursday i had a test and then my dad and sister came up that evening. we ate dinner at Macalisters (or however you spell that) and then the next day…

friday morning i got up at 6:30 and got to the gym by about 7-ish. I worked out for about an hour and then showered, blowdried my hair (yes i know right… i'm insane) then headed to *$ to read and pray. I called mom and talked to her for a while too. she was like "who are you and what have you done with my daughter?" because see i am not usually one to get up earlier than i have to.

after classes on friday i went with dad and my sister to a tiny town out here, and then went to a bigger one. i got a buttload of yarn and a funny t-shirt that says,

I'll have a Cafe Mocha,
Vodka, Marijuana, Late
to go… please.

i laughed so hard, i had to get it. there was no walking out of that store without that baby.

then we went to walmart and stocked the fridge dad brought me.

funny story there: dad emptied the fridge but didn't clean it out. he opened it up in our room and i started gagging—i swear the thing had a colony of evolutionary atavists living in there. we got it out of there and cleaned it. he teased me because i handed him a bottle of spray cleaner that he gave me at the beginning of the year and it was still sealed… (WELL I HAVE NOTHING TO SCRUB! I DON'T HAVE A SINK OR MY OWN BATHROOM OR ANYTHING!—nvm. sigh.) anyway. we were being silly and witty and… well… normal… as normal as my family gets, and we managed to get my roommate cracking up. which i've found is honestly pretty easy as long as you're creative. she just doesn't talk much otherwise.

so we stocked the fridge. :)

now i'm catching up on blogging here (hence the post…) and winding the yarn i got, and gonna read some books.

and eat some oatmeal. yummmmmm :)

<3

monday monday...

Mondays are nice. i used to hate them, but i don't anymore. i like them because everything starts over and you have a fresh start.

(unless you have homework from the weekend that you didn't do, and then you start off behind. bad idea.)

monday i woke up earlier than i had to. i thought i'd seen a roach or soemthing in my bed (illusion) and i'd barely slept. so i got up at 7:20 and gone to starbucks at 7:30 (yeah, it takes me ten minutes to walk down thre :\ stupid dorm at the top of the hill at the edge of the campus...) and read my Bible for like... an hour and a half or something. it was nice. of course i'd forgotten my ID card and coudn't get anythign to drink. then i went to my morning class, and went back to my dorm (the housekeeper let me in so i could get my ID) then went to the UC and got breakfast. then i went to my second class (which was kinda lame...we've talked about the same thing for three weeks now. my teacher drives me crazy). i ate lunch and did homework, then went back to my dorm and took a nap, then forced myself to go to the gym. after i worked out i went back to starbucks and read my reading for lit class today (ewwww Milton.). then i went to bed.

that was it :)

maybe today will be more interesting.

…There's a song about that I think…

yesterday.

something something something….yeah. i guess i don't know it. nvm.

yesterday was a good day. thursday night i went to bed at like… 8pm? …. not kidding. i was SO tired. woke up at about 2am and was up until about 4, then slept until 7-ish. i got up and got to starbucks by 8 and did my bible study there. got a caramel apple spice. those things are so good :) and they don't have caffeine! yay!

so. then i went to class. we talked about babies and serial killers (not in the same sentence) and then she tried to convince people to run in the 5k. i was going to.

(keep that in mind.)

so then i went to the UC and chilled for a while. then i went to my other class where they had a debate (and i got to sit and listen and pretend to be interested :D) and then i went to the dining hall and ate panda express. saw Jace on his way to his class.

then i went to starbucks and fought with an html layout. it's still not exactly the way it's supposed to look… but it's getting there. I'm not sure what to do about it.

Then i went to the gym and danced for a while. that was fun. well… ballet is fun in the sense that it's painful and hard and horrible, but still manages to make someone feel beautiful.

then i went to the UC again and ate a piece of pizza, then i went to my dorm and dropped off my dirty dance clothes (EWWW :P) then i went back to starbucks and worked on my book for a while. only got a few scenes done though. i'm not very inspired right now.

or rather, i'm inspired, but not for the books i'm working on. i'm inspired for the ones i haven't started yet.

maybe when i'm sure i'll never see him again, i'll tell you about the story i'm planning on doing… voldemort's basic character would be in it. but until i move out of the state forever or he dies, i'm not going to write it. i'd get so wrapped up in it i might hunt him down and wring his neck.

well, probably not. but i'd certainly fantasize about it.

so i woke up this morning at 7 to get up and get dressed and go for the 5k run. and i was FREEZING. i don't have any of my good legwarmers or tights out here, either (i figured, 'im not dancing, i don't need these' and forgot that as a ballerina, i wear dance stuff whether i'm dancing or not) so i turned off the alarm and laughed at the idea of running in sixty degree weather without warmers. i slept under a microfleece blanket and down comforter until 9:30.

then i texted Jace to see what he was up to, because Derek gave me this tv show series that he wants me to watch and there's no way i'll get through it by myself, and i figured it would be fun to watch it together. but he won't text me back.

what is it with that boy and not texting me on saturdays? that's the day i need to be entertained!! everything is closed out here on saturdays :\

stupid boy.

<3

Questions

Another old one.

this one i started writing in a new journal and didn't realize that i was rhyming until i got to the chorus.

hah

 

 

What do you do

When all you have is questions

And every answer

Feels like a lie

 

How do you find

What you’re looking for

When you don’t know what it is

Or why you try

 

What song do you sing

When all the songs you know

Fall short of what

You need today

 

And how do you write

Your own song instead

When you don’t even know

What you’re trying to say

 

*all my questions have no answers

And no one tells me where to go

Will these questions stay unanswered

Will the rivers all still flow

Will the sun keep rising higher

Will all the stars explode

Will I ever find my answers, *

 

What do you say

When you don’t understand

What you want

Or who you are

 

How do you ask

When the words you use

Turn up empty

Every time

 

And what do you do

When you’ve written it all

There’s not a poem or song

Left to write

 

And how do you finish

The very last verse

When you can’t find words

That rhyme?

 

*All my questions have no answers

And no one tells me where to go

Will these questions stay unanswered,

Will we still have rain and snow

Will the world fall to ruins

Will volcano’s lava flow

Will I ever find my answers, *

 

* All my questions have no answers

And no one tells me where to go

Will these questions stay unanswered,

Will the dolphins dance below

Will the birds still make their nests

Will the trees for them grow

Will I ever find my answers, *

 

 

 

<3