oh. my. God.

these are the things that we talked about over Christmas.

• my father and brother talked about how younger boys can shoot their pee farther than older boys. maybe I should rephrase and say "bigger boys" and "smaller boys."
• my sister got two ornaments at an exchange and she continually referred to them as "her balls."
• my sister (yes, same sister) spent a whole conversation explaining how horses look so funny when they… ok. "stretch their thingie." my father (bless him) had to explain how that works. Lord have mercy that was awkward.
• "ode to the dog…. who lays on the floor… that we adore… whose dander flies through the air…. in the lightning…" as sung by my sister. she was sick. she's extra loopy when she's sick.
• my brother explained to the pastor's son what a fart was, what it sounds like, how it works, and all the lingo associated with it. it was actually rather entertaining. he seemed to think it was funny when you get in trouble for farting in public.
• sister 1: "I'm the headless horseman!" *pulls bathrobe over head.
  Sister 2: "If you're a man, I'm never sleeping with you again."
  Sister 1: *long pause, awkwardly stares.*
  Me: "Sister 2!… you don't say stuff like that."
• My parents have been married 25 years in June. they still think they're teenagers. Let me explain: My dad twisted his ankle after jumping over a fence when he was transplanting a tree. (he forgot he was over fifty.) mom said "We'll have to nurse him today." dad said, "Ooohhhh…" later the next morning mom asked "Do you need help getting dressed?" dad said, "Well," in the most james-bond-esque voice he could manage. Yeah. and stuff like this happens all the time.

thank God I'm back at school. even if my friend is ignoring me.