Dec 30, 2011

A little bit of ketchup

I've had an excellent week. I drove up to John's house the day after Christmas (Monday) and we headed out to Virginia to visit his extended family. His family is pretty awesome. I like them. They adore me, for some reason I can't quite figure out. They even got me Christmas presents before they met me! I have a lot of thank you notes to write this year... sadly, all my stationary is at school, so they'll take a while.

I think when I send out thank you notes, I'll also write Christmas cards, and send out a newsletter about what's been going on in my life. That way I don't have to write the same thing a gazillion times.

Anyway. We're back at John's house, and he and I are going to drive back to my place so he can stay with us for a while. He's been doing some work for my dad.

It's just been an awesome time. I finally feel like I've had a Christmas break: I've been chilling out, watching movies with John, talking to his family and gaining more and more of his mother's trust, and getting to know the guy I'm going to marry one day.

So now I'm going to get off of his laptop, and go brush my teeth. I think we're going to get pizza today, and then get COLDSTONE!!! (he found out I like coldstone because we were reading my book, the one about the two kids who meet over facebook and fall in love? if you want more info on that, email me ;))


I'll be home by this afternoon. :)

Dec 29, 2011

We got back from virginia last night (i visited John's g-ma) and today we're going to the mall, dinner, movie, and icecream. This finally feels like Xmas break.

Dec 22, 2011

Sick. John left his place at 6am and got here by 8. He brought me an espresso and some cough drops. What a sweetie. I love this guy.

Dec 21, 2011

I'm going to make a video

called "10 things you didn't know about me."

Here's the list. the video will be online eventually, but I won't link it. if you know my firstnamelastname you can search it on youtube.

1. I have multiple identities online. This is only one of them. mwaahhahahhaa! (but don't worry, they're all used for good and not evil)

2. I have a strange fascination with flicking my pocket knife open and closed.

3. I was forced to get my ears pierced when I was fourteen! My ballet teacher told me I had to wear earrings with my costume, and unless it was against my parent's rules, I needed to get them pierced so I could wear earrings for the show. today, I hardly ever wear earrings because I'm allergic to all of them, even silver plated. I can't wear anything else except silver plated because my holes will bleed and turn black, and I can't wear nice quality ones for more than a few hours.

4. I'm allergic to makeup. it makes my eyes water and burn and itch. performance days were always a nightmare.

5. I listen to ballet music on my laptop, in the car, on my phone, while I'm studying, etc. because I'm so used to focusing and relaxing and thinking clearly when I hear it, that it has that effect on me now.

6. I'm extremely flexible. My ballet teacher called me Gumbi Girl because I just sort of stretch like a rubber band.

7. I can't seem to find jeans that fit me. If they fit my hips, they're too short. If they're long enough, they're too loose. So most of the time, I either wear a kid's belt that I've punched extra holes in, or I wear overalls. because overalls don't fall down.

8. I'm allergic to chocolate. it makes my throat burn and my eyes water and I cough and gag.

9. I bite my fingers like crazy but I'm trying to stop. my thumbs are almost healed now! yay!

10. I'm Dyslexic. I'm a book reviewer and a writer, but I'm dyslexic. this is why I play the piano and the recorder by ear: I can't read music.

Dec 20, 2011

Do you prefer candy or popcorn at the movies?

candy. and i always sneak it in.

John used to work at a movie theater, and he told me stories about how they save it from the night before and recycle it and how he would find whole bags and boxes of unopened candy in the seats, and of the...ahem...things...he had to clean up from the theater. EWWWW.

I will never go to a movie the same way again.

Ask me anything

Dec 18, 2011

back home

well, we made it alive. we had to drop off one of Sis's friends in Charlotte, and we got stuck in traffic for an hour and a half. then it was raining. and on the last leg of the trip (about 2.5 hours) we both got food poisoning and had to pull over at a Harris Teeter and take a bathroom break.

C'est la vie.

or as John says it, Vie la C'est.

or as John accidently says it sometimes, Cie la Vey.


We got to John's house Friday night at about 11:30. Sis and I talked with him and his folks for a little while, and then they went to bed. John and I went upstairs and hung out until 2:30 in the morning, which was so much fun I can't even explain it. It was just so nice to sit and talk face to face (and, okay, he is so warm and soft and is an awesome hugger. and there may have been a kiss or two thrown in there too). we ended the night by watching Family Guy, which is his favorite tv show (in case you don't know what it is, it's so dumb, but it's hilarious.)

next morning John's mom and Sis and I went to Starbucks and got coffee (because she loves to dote on us) and then she showed us some of her really cool Christmas ornaments. then John and I took Sis to a MtG shop where she hung out for a few hours, and then we went downtown to a knitting shop, an antique shop, a tea shop, and a CHOCOLATE BAKERY. omg. he got me this yummy thing that idk what it was, chocolate covered cheesecake with cream and fudge or something. man it was yummy.

then we took Sis to the mall and walked around a little and looked at sweaters and I got really inspired.

then we left. that was the sad part. but Sis drove so I didn't have to.

we're finally back. now we're just chilling at home. I'm eating a microwaved chicken pot pie.

(some things never change)

dad is drawing. Sis and Joe (her guy friend) and Ears are playing magic. Fish is coming down with a cough. Mom is watching Holiday Inn upstairs.

And I am on my period exactly when I'm supposed to be. The birth control worked. I also didn't have ANY mood crashes this month, thanks to the anxiety meds. I have never been so happy to have a period.

Of course it's not exactly comfortable, so I'm not really enjoying myself, but I feel like a functional woman, and that's nice.

the only thing I have to do now is find some jeans that won't fall off. John wants to get me some for Christmas. I might let him. :)

He's coming up soon. in a few days. He'll spend some time here before Christmas, and then stay for the day-before-christmas-eve party, and then go home with his parents. and then the day after Christmas I'm going up there and visiting some family with them.

yay. this is going to be a fun Christmas.




that is all.

Dec 16, 2011

lost friends

Sometimes I listen to ballet barre music to relax. Maybe it's a conditioned response, but man do I feel relaxed and focused when I listen to Josu Gallastegui. I think I might burn copies for my car.

There's this girl in my french class, we'll call her Rachel. She isn't a Christian. She swears like a sailor and she talks about sex like it's her hobby. It might become one, since she recently broke up with her boyfriend, an event that put her in the hospital. when she told me about that, I saw what I should have seen sooner: not only is she lost, she's dead and searching for meaning in life, and looking for real love that doesn't leave you over stupid immature things.

Next semester we're going to work out together. We're going to get up early—5:30!—and run, and I'm going to teach her pilates and some ballet exercises for her feet (she's very physically broken) and she's going to teach me martial arts. Which is cool because then John and I will be able to do that together!

Anyway, I know as a workout buddy there is a lot of talking. I'm asking for prayer for Rachel and for me. I can see God working in her life. He's putting her though things, and breaking her down. I'd like to think He's softening her heart. I want to be the took He uses to draw her to Him. But I'm going to need courage.

Anyway, that's what's been pressing on my mind lately. Not so much the French test that we take this afternoon at 1 (which I'd also appreciate prayer about…) but more about her. I can't imagine what her life must be like, thinking that sex is crucial to have a relationship with a guy, or that the coolest job on earth would be working in a bar.

The thing is, she's a really cool person. She's just wrong about some things.


I need to stop starting my sentences with "Anyway."




Dec 15, 2011

Some college students are stupid.

Some college student robbed the State credit union out here. Moron! He only got $300 and then, of all dumb choices, he went back to his apartment that was walking distance from the credit union.

Everyone thought he was on campus, so they sent out shelter-in-place and we were locked down for two hours. He never ended up coming on campus though.

during the course of the lockdown, I filmed my podcast (which you can find by searching my firstnamelastname on youtube) talked to John on the phone, and took a call from my possible future employer for my summer internship (more on that when my plans get finalized!).

Speaking of the internship, the place I'm thinking about going has very limited wi-fi, and no cell service. That means no boyfriend phone calls and no skyping. which means there will be lots of blog posts and probably some video blogging on my youtube channel.

Anyway. More updates soon.

Three more finals for me! An online English test, an essay I need to turn in, and a French test. Then I'll be out of here. YAY!


Dec 8, 2011

My favorite words

dictionary of my favorite words. Some exist, some are mine. the ones that are blank still need true definitions. please leave suggestions in the comments!!

Anti-engishified: when a sentence has more than three negatives.




Mamihlapinatapai: (ma-me-la-pi-nat-a-pie) a look which two people share that shows they both desire something but neither is willing to act upon it.

Haemolacria: a disease in which the victim cries blood

Homolacria: when you cry rainbows




Normaler—more normal than someone else. Example: “She is normaler than me.”

Relationshnip: the snipping of a relationship. Not to be confused with “shnip.”

Shnip: A really bad haircut.


Swaning: going on a walk with your boyfriend to look at swans.

Nov 25, 2011

warning: long dramatic rambling post about emotions and christmas and boyfriends

Thus far Thanksgiving has been pretty good. see the thing about breaks is… I love my family, but I don't like living with them. this has very little to do with them and most to do with the fact that it puts all six (or more) of us in a very small house and I just get overwhelmed. I have nowhere to be alone and recharge. Even now im sitting "alone" and I'm not really "alone." and I've found that if I don't have enough alone time I explode.

meaning school is stressful, and home is stressful. I feel like I have nowhere to go to actually have a break.

I can't wait for Christmas… but man am I dreading living at home for that long.

on the bright side, John is with us for the whole break, so I get to see him a lot. I'm so happy. I really am. it's been wonderful. I can hug him WHENEVER I WANT TO! that means a lot. I don't have to text him all day and tell him how much I miss him. because I don't. it's weird to NOT miss him.

I went to the doctor today. she gave me a prescription for birth control to help my periods stay regular, and some anxiety medication that I don't remember what it's called. John came with me. he sat in the waiting room tho, he didn't come in with me.

so then we went around town and chilled a little, which was nice, and got coffee, which was great, and sat together and talked and laughed for a while.

we decorated the tree tonight too. that was fun. except mom has a new puppy, a blue standard poodle (he's not really blue, he's grey, but they call them blue) and we're afraid that he'll break the nice ornaments, so we only put up about two thirds of them this year.

I miss school, but I don't want this break to end because I don't want to drop him back off and drive another five hours back to school.

on the bright side, I'll see him a lot over Christmas break, and that's only a few weeks away. so it won't be another month or six week fast from seeing him…


Nov 19, 2011


Yesterday was pretty bad.

now there were some good parts. one was I had lunch with Jace (like I did last Friday… don't remember if I blogged about that or not). It's been great to connect up with him again. apparently he and his roommate/best friend since birth have had a falling out, so he eats most of his meals alone. im going to start eating lunch with him on fridays because lunch alone really sucks.

anyway, he teased me about John, and we talked about writing (because we're both novelists) and other random stuff.

the bad is… I had a horrific mood swing when I got home that evening, like I was crying all night because I was so stressed.

I am so doing something about this. I'm tired of mood swings and missing periods.

1. I'm going to take something. not sure what, but im seeing the doc over thanksgiving.

2. I'm going to take one less class next term so I can chill out a little.


I need to go study. or read a book. or have some coffee. or something.

What celebrity do you look like?

Audrey Hepburn. I played her in a look-alike gala once ;)

Ask me anything

Will you please eat a better diet. You will be the right weight for you and be healthy also.

eat a better diet? do you know who you're talking to?

I have a 16% body fat percentage. I eat brown rice and mashed potatos and grilled chicken and ravioli and oatmeal and soup. I have a starbucks latte when I've got money but lately I've been out.

And remember "the right weight" is relative. I'm 5' 8.5" and a ballerina, and im 125lbs. that OVERWEIGHT for me. pu-leez. the only way i could get healthier would be if I cut chocolate out of my diet completely.

and I can't do that.

Ask me anything

Nov 18, 2011

the difference

There is a difference between begging and praying. Praying is simply asking God for something. Now I think you can "pray hard," that's great, and I think you pray regularly for something, but there's a line you cross when you start thinking "God please give this to me or I won't be happy." That's when you know you probably a) won't get it, or b) you won't want it when you do.

And there is a difference between trust and laziness. Trusting that God will take care of you is vital in our walk with Him. I could be extremely stressed about my possible summer internship right now, but being stressed about it won't help me get the internship. Instead, I need to trust that God will work it out for His glory and my good.

But then again, you can't just say "Oh God will take care of me" and not do anything about it. Saying "God will give me an internship" and then sitting back and waiting won't help me.

And another thing: There's a difference between jumping in to trust God, and making dumb choices. For example: When I chose Criminal Justice as my major. I could have agonized over "oh what am I going to major in!" but I didn't, I just picked something and went for it and figured if it wasn't part of God's plan, He'd throw up a roadblock and point me in another direction. And when I switched majors it was the same thing.

Now with John, I was a bit more careful about "jumping in." but that mindset was definitely there after it was clear that he wasn't just going to pursue me, seduce me, and leave me. He and I were both in it for the right reasons, we had the same goals, we have the same beliefs about marriage and relationships, and we are both in it for the long haul. we're DEFINITELY compatible (if you can call it that…). so then I had to chose to jump in, after all that important stuff was clear.

and I could have said no. Because remember, he had an ex-girlfriend who had him thrown in jail, and his gpa isn't so great, and he's not very book-smart, and I know a grand total of two people besides me who think he's attractive. But I was pretty sure I loved him, and he was exactly what I asked for, so I jumped in.

"Why do you always bring your boyfriend into it, em? knock it off!"


The point is, you can ask through prayer, you can trust God, and you can jump in. But when it all comes down to it, no matter what you do and what choice you make, eventually you'll find the open doors (after you run into enough closed ones). but you've got to be willing to ram your face into some doors first.

and really, it doesn't hurt quite as much as you think.

And it's always worth it.

Nov 16, 2011

What made you smile today?

I got my birthday present from John today. He sent me a card, a handwritten letter, and a book. It made me REALLLLLLLY happy. ^_^

Ask me anything

sun sign is zodiac stuff. scorpio.

gotcha. scorpio. okay.

When asked about my zodiac sign I usually say "The Cross." Zodiacs are supposed to enlighten you about your personality and your destiny, right?

The Cross of Christ is what makes me who I am and who I will be.

Ask me anything

Nov 15, 2011

O.o ballet killed me yesterday... My butt is soar and my knee pain kept me up until about 2 am. But i dont have time to do PT. C'est la vie... I guess.

Nov 10, 2011

❀ flower. ❀

I found this flower icon on a piece of spam mail in my email account. it's pretty. so I'm posting it. because I'm tired, cafinated, dehydrated, malnurished, sore, I have a headache, and I'm stressed up the wall-across the ceiling-and down again.

See I have writing assignments due,

I have to get a faculty sponsor for NCUR

I have to do research for my oral presentation

I haven't eaten a real meal since yesterday (but I did get like four or five cups of coffee and no I'm not done…)

I've had rehearsals monday through tomorrow from 6-midnight and homework after that…

I'm freaking stressed. AND I MISS JOHN LIKE MAD.

Nov 6, 2011

Rock, paper or scissors?


Ask me anything

I have to…

I really don't want to do my homework right now. I have a lot of random crap to do.

I have to write two journal entries about the same thing and make them different enough that they count for my two classes (which the same thing happened in both).

I have to read a stupid book and write a blog post about each chapter.

I have to work on my honors contracts eventually.

I have to finish the project book Im making for my employer.

I have to study for my theater test on Thursday.

I have to write an essay/critique about Amilie.

and I have a buttload of books to read.


Nov 5, 2011

c'est ma mere…

This is what happens. (fyi mom and Fish are visiting this weekend)

Mom: let's meet at 7:30. I'll leave my hotel and pick you guys up at school

Fish: Okay.

(Sis and Em look at each other and laugh)

Mom: What?

Sis and Em both say: How about 8:30?

Mom: I want to make a whole day of it.

Fish: It's fine with me, I get up at 6:30 for High School.

Sis: Okay…

Em: *mutters to herself*

(7:00 Em's alarm rings)

Em: I hate my life. *texts mom, no answer. gets up anyway*

(7:30 gets text from Mom: "I overslept, I'm on my way")

Em: I hate my life.






I don't really hate my life. I just hate getting up when I don't have to. lol. c'est ma mere. J'aime-toi.

Nov 4, 2011

Has anything ever been stolen from you?

Oh sure. Tons of crap. nothing that really mattered though.

Ask me anything

heya...have been following ur blog for quite sm time...i am a romantic toooooo and i can connect a lot to u...just got curious ...wats ur sunsign...m really interested in them....its cool if u wanna protect ur privacy...m just asking.....and ya...i love w

I would totally tell you, but I have no idea what a sunsign is... Sorry Formspring cut off the second half of your question... Glad you're a long time follower though! that brings me joy.

Ask me anything

Nov 1, 2011

let's play a game.

Here's the game. If you have a button for your blog, let me know, and I'll post it on my sidebar if you return the favor.

Reason? I have one random button for another girl's blog up there now and it looks very lonely. It needs friends.


life sucks today.

today, and probably next week.

It's 27 degrees outside, my boyfriend is far away, and I'm PMSing. AGAIN.

apparently my suitemate has a period every other week, because this is absurd. of course any girl will tell you if you live with another girl, you end up synching with them.

aaaaagh ndasoihsdnaoifadsonfas. gah.

and it's cold. I like the cold, but it makes me tired and lonely. at least I live on campus and I don't have to walk fifteen minutes to get to coffee in the morning…

I'll see John the day before Thanksgiving. that day can't come soon enough. I think I understand that song "I'm taking you with me" by Relient K.

sappy I know, I'm sorry. I'm a romantic. you follow a romantic's blog, you get sappy posts.

Oct 31, 2011

I dont want to work out, i want to stay in bed...but i have to get up because if i dont i wont get anything done. I hate having self control sometimes.

Oct 30, 2011

school and work and frozen toes

okay tonight im not going to blog about John because im sure it's beginning to annoy everyone. now there's nothing wrong between us, but I need to write about other things.

1. school is INSANE. I have way too much to do. yet somehow or another im managing to get it all done.

2. the diet thing is going okay, I sort of do really well for about a week and then eat pizza, or a latte, or chocolate, and gain all the weight back again (I say all, I mean the half pound or the one percent I lost) so it's sort of okay but not really. I have a goal: I want to be able to fit into my black lace leotard by the end of the semester. I really hope I can meet that goal. because it's a pretty leotard. and I would really like to loose about 2 percent. that would put me about where I need to be for a dancer.

3. I have like eight knitting projects that im working on and I REALLY need to finish them….. gah. im making mittens for Jace (because I promised him I would) and mittens for Dylan (again, it was a request) and a scarf for John, and a hat for Mom, and a hat for Dad, and I haven't even figured out for Sis, or Fish, or Ears. I know what I want to make Victory, but I haven't started it yet, and I can't say what it is because she reads this blog :P

4. this morning when I got up it was 31 degrees outside. this brought me great joy. for someone who has very little body fat to keep her warm, I love the cold. of course this is somewhat problematic because I do get up at 6am every morning and work out, and it's pretty cold at 6am when the sun has been down for 10 hours… yah. brrrr. good thing I run inside!!

4. work is great right now, because I'm literally getting paid to make pottery. im supposed to be doing samples, and im taking pictures and making project sheets. I tutor ballet sometimes, but my students haven't been regular. and im doing a volunteer thing with the theatre… I get to work backstage for the costumes for Sweeney Todd. yay! I don't get paid, but It'll get me in with the faculty and hopefully make me some contacts… future internships? maybe.

5. thanksgiving is coming up and Sis and I are going back home. we're kidnapping John and we're going to make turkey and yams with marshmallows and cocoa and John and I will go for walks in the evening and it will be wonderful. I know that was a run-on sentence and I know im not capitalizing or punctuating anything but I don't care. :)


…don't tell me you've forgotten to be awesome…

Have YOU pre-ordered The Fault in Our Stars? I did. I hope all you nerdfighters out there will as well. It's only about $12 of your money, which is a little over an hour's worth of minimum-wage work.

C'mon. For a John Green book, it's worth it.

I absolutely loved the first chapter. I can't wait for more!


Do you like to cook?

I like to bake cookies, especially during the Christmas season. i like Christmas in general, it's my favorite. i've had so many good memories and it's always such a sweet time of the year... i cant wait until Christmas this year :) i plan on kidnapping John. He's all for that plan.

Ask me anything

Oct 22, 2011

GAH. I HATE BEING A GIRL. %&\4"7:=^85"$\'550.

Oct 20, 2011

Homosexuality from a Berean's perspective

BTW, Berean is a term from Acts 17, where the church in Berea was congratulated because they tested everything they were being taught against what they knew was true from the old testiment. I consider myself non-denominational, but also a Berean, because I test everything I hear against what I know to be true.

This is a nerdfighter video. I would ask you please watch it before reading the post. There are some weird sexual facts about bed bugs (awkward…) but I'd like you to watch it not only because it's interesting and funny, but it brings up a good point.

you can skip it if you really want, and my post will, hopefully, still make sense.

(note: I'd say this is for ages 16+)


My response:

It's interesting to me to see a non-Christian's perspective on homosexuality. Hank made this video for National Coming Out Day.

Sexual orientation is different than personality. One of the misconceptions poor Hank had was that since his personality mixed well with girls but he didn't have crushes on them, maybe his sexual orientation matched theirs, since his personality matched theirs.

I really like knives and violent movies. I like hanging out with guys. I write crime thrillers about kick-ass guys (and girls) who blow things up. Am I attracted to women because most of the time it's men who like movies like that? absolutely not. My Sis has mostly guy friends… I think she has three girlfriends total, and she's friends with them mostly because I am (Victory, her sister, and a girl in the state we used to live in). Does that mean our sexual orientations are closer on the scale of Male than of Female? I'd beg to differ. Our personalities might be, but sexual orientation is a totally different scale, and it's not really a scale at all. It's a box, and it's determined by your DNA and your anatomy. Again, some people get confused by their personality, but that doesn't determine your sexuality.

A lot of people say they "knew they were gay" or "were born this way," but science has shown us that when we really get to the bottom of homosexuality, it's usually because of a bad experience, or confusion, such as Hank's confusion, or the confusion of my character in my book. my character decides that she hates guys because they're mean, so if she hates guys, she MUST like girls! it made sense to a little kid at the time. when she falls in love with a guy in high school, she get's REALLY confused.   sometimes but not always, someone will be confused because of sexual abuse as a child. Nobody is born gay. They are born male or female.

Now: do I have a problem with gay people? am I condemning them to hell? do I hate them? let me answer each one.

Do I have a problem with them? Define problem. I have a lot of homosexual friends. They are great friends to me. Some of my ballet students are gay. Some of my writing friends are lesbians. I write a novel about a girl who thinks she is a lesbian (email me if you're curious, because I'm not going to write about the book on this blog). Now: I have a problem with homosexuality itself. not the people, but the sin. It's disgusting. it makes me sad. it's against God's commands and it's against nature.

(if you disagree with me about it being against nature and tell me "almost every other species has homosexuality," my only argument is "every other species can still reproduce from homosexuality. they don't do it because they're confused, they do it because it's part of their survival. if two males can't have sex and have a baby, or two females can't have sex and have a baby, it's against nature.)

Also: It doesn't matter if I have a problem with it or not, because I'm not God (more on that below). God is the one who created us, God is the one who rules this universe and all of creation. If God is the one who has a problem with it, I would be smart if I were you and do what He says.

Second question: Am I condemning them to hell? no, I'm not. I'm not God. I'm a Christian, but I'm not God. Again, I hate the sin, not the people. My job on earth is to glorify God, enjoy Him forever, and go into all the world and preach the gospel and make disciples. My job is to love my neighbor as myself. My job is to trust and obey. You've heard it all before, but that's really what it boils down to. Take my life and let it be, ever only all for thee. My job is not telling people who is going to hell because of what they're doing. THAT IS GOD'S JOB. seriously. God is the one who says "You're disobeying me, you're in sin, you need my help, you need to come to me." God is the one who says "Take up your cross and follow me." God is the one who may say "Depart from me, I never knew you." (scariest words in the Bible, btw.) Condemning is not my job.

Third: Do I hate them? No. Based on everything you just read, do you think I hate them? Of course not. Again, I have homosexual friends. I don't hate them. I pray for them and I love them and I try to show them that true followers of Christ don't hate/condemn them, but that really we're no different than them.

That's right, I said it. Christians are no different than homosexuals. When it all boils down to it, we're all humans, we're all sinners, we're all separated from Christ. The only difference is Christians are redeemed, and homosexuals are not. But neither are serial killers. neither are drug addicts. neither are rapists. let's get a little dirtier: neither is your second grade math teacher who didn't believe in Jesus, but didn't tell you not to believe in Him either. neither is a Muslim or Buddhist. neither is a Catholic who believes they're going to heaven because they say Hail Mary's. (I'll write about my beliefs on Catholics another day, but in a nutshell: I believe some Catholics are saved, and some are not.) we're all dead, but Christ makes us alive.

Sin is sin. There are no degrees of sin. If my mom tells me I can have two and only two cookies, and I take three, that's sin. If I sleep with another woman, that's sin. It's the same word, it's the same meaning. I know it's a huge difference to us, but it's still sin to God, and He's the one who makes the rules, and I have no right to say any different. THAT right there is why I can't hate homosexuals: because they sin just like I do, their sin is no worse than mine, they are no different than me.

And I am commanded to love everyone as I love myself. Hopefully I love others more than I love myself.

Also: that amazing video that will BLOW YOUR MIND really is amazing. I kinda want to know the answer to the mystery!!! and I want to watch more videos by him.

Question for you:

Would you like more video response posts? And, was this absurdly long and did you skip it because I'm pathetic and long winded (or you were busy)?

Oct 17, 2011


Swanning (verb: Swan-ing). a date in which you and your boyfriend/girlfriend take a walk along a river and look at swans. Ex: John and I went swanning last night.

It's been a lovely week. I've been able to see Victory and John every day. Yesterday Victory and I even got to have a tea party :D

John took me to the ballet on Friday. Yesterday we went for a walk in the park right as the sun was going down, and we saw the swans on the river, and the baby ducks, and we sat on the swing and talked until it got too cold (even leaned up against him, and he's like a heater). then we got pizza and watched a movie.

My mom and sis are coming up today, and they're bringing my new microwave, and a few other random things. John and I are going to try to have dinner tonight, since tomorrow I won't see him until he drops me off at my carpool to go back to school.


but I'll see him over thanksgiving :) which is in a month. :\


Oct 13, 2011

Thank God for Fall Break!!!

:D Yay. idk if I mentioned it or not, but Sis and I came up to visit John and Victory for Fall break this week. He picked us up at a gas station (because we got a ride most of the way) and took us to Victory's house.

When we were settled, he stole me for about a half hour. we went on a short walk and just held hands and hugged and it was lovely. He even sang to me while we slow-danced in the street. But we went inside because it was starting to rain. and because he had to get up at 8 the next morning, and it was already past midnight.

it was just so good to see him. it's been a long six weeks. A six weeks where I had three periods.



now I'm sitting in Starbucks knitting his scarf for Christmas. And I'll see him this afternoon. Victory and he both get out of school at 4. Sis went home with dad (who I got to see today and I gave him a BIG hug) so I get Victory and her sister, Lizzy, all to myself.

This is going to be the best week ever.

Also. My "Keep Calm and DFTBA" shirt came in.


Oct 9, 2011
I will answer anything unless it's wildly inappropriate! and I may even answer those because theyre funny

Just stumbled across your page from a nanowrimo thread. Absolutely love "The List". Could have been my daughters who wrote this, except you left our "Be an Eagle Scout". My eldest knows, and has worked with, many and she believes attaining that rank sho

:) believe it or not, my boyfriend was extremely close to being an Eagle Scout! I'm glad you liked the list.

Ask me anything

sexy boyfriends, overweight ballerinas, and college pranks

It makes me sad that John thinks he's not attractive. I tell him he is, but he doesn't quite believe me. Then again, he tells me I am, and I don't quite believe him. So I guess he's just more open about his doubt than I am. I made him promise not to cut himself down anymore, and it'll take some getting used to, but I think he'll get better at it.

The thing is, he is everything I want and everything I need. and I don't really know how to prove that to him. I think I'm just going to have to prove it after a long period of time. He's going to have to realize it himself—and realize that it doesn't matter even if he isn't "good enough" for me, because I love him and I'm sticking with him.

So there's nothing really I can do, because he as to find his worth in Christ, not me. But it makes me feel kind of helpless.

On a brighter (or not so brighter) note, I've decided, again, to lose weight. I don't like stretch marks. they're ugly. So the weight is going bye-bye. I don't look good in a leotard anymore.

This is going to be expensive, however, because it means I have to eat upstairs, and that costs a lot of money. It's going to be hard, because that means I have to give up Caramel Macciattos. and I really like those. Also no more latte's either. I'm going back to coffee. It's cheaper and non-fattening.

I'm also trying to figure out how to cook beans and lentils in the microwave.

of course, not that my microwave is broken, it's a bit of a moot point.

I was pranked… Here's the story.

There's this guy. He lives across the hall and down a door or two. Let's call him Scott. He's a Freshman and he's almost as obnoxious as me. He loves zombies and we share a sort of passion for sharp objects and violence. (what you mean you didn't know I was a violent person? pu-leez.)

He discovered:

  1. I have a cool assassin hat
  2. I leave my door unlocked most of the time
  3. my boyfriend lives 300 miles away.

So this is what he did.

  1. he stole my hat
  2. when I finally got it back, a few days later he snuck into my room and ransacked it and stole it again
  3. he brought me cookies and popcorn as an apology but wouldn't return the hat.

I did eventually get the hat back, btw. I made him feel really guilty because in the process of ransacking my room, he put my laundry detergent in my microwave. Now this normally wouldn't be a problem, but he didn't know the laundry detergent cap was broken, and it leaked all over my microwave.

like this:



yeah. I was mad.

so I cleaned it out as best I could. after letting the rest of it dry out for a day or two, I plugged it in and it was making weird crackly electrical noises, so I unplugged it and set it asside.

Scott felt really bad. he said he wanted to buy me a new one but he was broke, so he gave me my hat back. I kept the pictures for blackmail. bwahahahaha!

and for funsies.

So I have my hat and no microwave. however an old friend of mine said they had an extra and they're going to bring it to my folks place so I can get it after fall break. yay!

God is awesome like that.

So now I know two things:

  1. Lock my door at all times. no exceptions.
  2. Don't tease/joke around with/participate in activities with Scott, because he does like me. Which is a little creepy, honestly, because he is like seventeen and I'm almost twenty. and he knows that.





Oct 3, 2011

I am not feeling creative enough to title this post.

Okay so basically here's the gist.

I'm visiting Victory and John over fall break. I'll be staying with Victory and her family (yay! I get to see my girlfriends and my boyfriend at the same time!!) and I'm really excited.

I get to see them in NINE DAYS. it's been hard. we both had some days where I seriously would have just gotten in the car and driven down if I'd had the gas money.

good thing I'm broke.

wait. scratch that. I wish I had more money.

anyway I talked to his mom today, because it was her anniversary and apparently John was the only one who remembered. so I gave her a call to say hi. she seemed really happy to talk to me. she told me about a yarn shop out there, and I may see if John will take me.

not like I need any yarn. I have buckets full.

Sep 25, 2011


knitting from the heart….get it?


Sep 19, 2011

I DONT WANT TO GET UP. I WANT TO SLEEP ALL DAY. grrrrrrr. &$1=\$87"&'\\;=&'\5\.

Sep 18, 2011


so you know how in novels when the girl is really sad and she can't stop crying and she doesn't know why so the guy stays up on the phone with her and sings her songs and tells her funny stories so she can calm down and go to sleep?

they're real. and I've got one for a boyfriend.

okay any guy readers: this is going to be awkward…

my period is driving me crazy. I had it two weeks ago. I had it two weeks before that. and if I'm PMSing again (which it sure felt like I was) that means I'll have another one after three weeks. this isn't fair. not at all. RAWR!!!

I need a caramel machiatto. with extra caramel.

Sep 8, 2011



so stupid mobile blogger isn't letting me post more than a page. and anyone who knows me or who has been following this blog very long knows I'm just a little wordy, so I don't do the whole 160 characters thing.

here's what's been going on with me lately:

Friday the 2, Sis and I went home for the weekend for Labor Day after her classes, so we didn't leave until 2:30-ish. We stopped on our way home and I got to see John for about an hour and a half. it was almost torture because I wanted to stay forever but it was already about 9:00pm, and we couldn't stay any longer.

Saturday was a bit of a blur, I remember sleeping in but not much else. But that evening John called me, and we talked for a while. he asked me a funny question: "when does your church service start?" shortly thereafter he said he was going to visit last year's roommate the next day, and his roommate lives in my hometown. I was thinking "yeah okay you're driving two hours to see your roommate who hasn't spoken to you in several months, but you aren't mentioning visiting me, even though I live fifteen minutes away. you're hiding something."

turns out he was.

Because Sunday he showed up for church.

this brought me immense joy. I knew he'd be there, but it still made me so happy. I sat through sunday school thinking "I thought he would be here. it was so obvious." I even saw a car like his drive up. I got all panicky but it wasn't him.

of course I turned around and checked later, just as he was coming through the door…which is something I've been doing lately. it's like I can sense when he's around me. he hasn't snuck up on me once.

Yes. I was very happy. I asked him why he came and he was like "duh, I came to talk to your dad."


anyway, he did, and he got my dad's permission to peruse me, so we're officially "dating". which is weird because this time last year I was telling people I was going to have an arranged marriage. which was more of a "approved courtship with adult supervision" anyway, but that's such a mouthful.

I miss my boyfriend… (that's weird. I have a boyfriend. this is so weird.) I won't see him until Thanksgiving.

Sep 6, 2011

Stupid mobile blogger. Some of my posts are getting lost. I dont want to get up but ive got a buttload of stuff to do this morning... i hate being responsable.

Aug 31, 2011


So John called my dad this evening and confessed his undying love for me to him. apparently it went better than he expected. Later when he called me he found out that I'm on my period and told me he wished he could be there to hold me and cuddle with me because he felt so sorry that I had to experience such torture.

which is really sweet and funny at the same time. he blows periods way out of proportion. he's like "The inside layer of your womb is being ripped out. that's gotta hurt." and im like "yeah half the time I forget about it. chill out." and he's like "well I'm in love with you so you're going to have to get over the fact that I feel sorry for you." or something along those lines.

so you see how it's funny. but it's also sweet because I honestly don't know any other guy who will stay on the phone with me while I'm crying because im PMSing and sing to me until I calm down and then tell me jokes until I feel better. nor do I know another guy in history who wasn't afraid of girls while they were on their periods. even my dad, when he finds out, says "oh, uh…" and hunches his back and awkwardly leaves the room. but John is different.

he's so different, I don't know of any other guy like him. except maybe the ones out of my novels. and even then, he's like a combination of all their best attributes.

Victory has started planning our wedding.

alright, enough about the boyfriend. yes he is the boyfriend now, even though it's not "facebook official," because he called me his girlfriend. so there. HAH.

Aug 28, 2011

True Love

by Judith Viorst (I didn't write this)

It is true love because

I put on eyeliner and a concerto and
make pungent observations about

the great issues of the day

Even when there’s no one here but him

And because

I do not resent watching the Green Bay Packers

Even though I am philosophically opposed to football,

And because

When he is late for dinner and I know

he must be either having an affair or

lying dead in the middle of the street,

I always hope he’s dead.

It’s true love because

If he said quit drinking martinis but I kept

drinking them and the next morning

I couldn’t get out of bed,

He wouldn’t hell me he told me,

And because

He’s willing to wear unironed undershorts

Out of respect for the fact that I am philosophically

opposed to ironing,

And because

If his mother was drowning and I was drowning

and he had to choose one of us to save,

He says he’d save me.

It’s true love because

When he went to San Francisco on business

while I had to stay home with the painters

and the exterminator and the baby who

was getting the chicken pox,

He understood why I hated him,

And because

When I said that playing the stock market was

juvenile and irresponsible and then the

stock I wouldn’t let him buy went up

twenty-six points,

I understood why he hated me,

And because

Despite cigarette cough, tooth decay,

acid indigestion, dandruff, and other

features of married life that tend to

dampen the fires of passion,

We still feel something

We can call

True love.

Aug 27, 2011

Irene is sitting on my parents.

there's a hurricane at my hometown. my folks have had no AC or electricity for almost a day now. im a bit worried about them, but I know they'll be alright.

last night sis and I went on a camping trip with the Baptist Campus Ministry. it was cool. I met some new people, showed off my awesome pocket knife to the guys (and they were like "dude, this is SICKKK.") and played some fun games.

but I was hot and dehydrated and I did NOT want to sleep out where bugs may be, so sis and I went home at about 11 and slept in our air conditioned rooms on supportive mattresses.

today I went to the gym and ran 2 miles. it felt awesome! and I have decided that starting monday, im going to get back into my regular routine. my body needs it and my soul needs it too.

(this consists of getting up early to run, probably outside as the weather is still nice, then going to the gym for PT, then coffee and breakfast and bible study with sis.)

I miss John. he called me on friday for like two or three hours (my dad is going to flip because I know it'll show up on the phone bill) because he couldn't talk to me much the past week.

He's seriously considering transferring to my school next fall.

AND THE HORRIBLE THING THAT HAD HAPPENED TO HIM THAT WASN'T HIS FAULT? IT'S ALL OVER. some of you know exactly what I mean, and for those of you who don't? essentially someone got him in trouble for something he didn't do and it was keeping him from getting a job and getting into school. and now it's over and done with. it's such a relief!

going to shower and then explore the downtown area with sis.

<3 :)))


ps as you can tell, im not telling you what I eat for a while. I haven't quite gotten my self discipline back yet ;)

Aug 26, 2011

Screw the gym. I turned on the light and let the nightmare fade until i was tired again. I wish i had a boy to hug when im scared...
I hate nightmares. I hate wasps. I hate nihtmares with wasps in them. Cant sleep in peace now so im off th the gym.

Aug 22, 2011

back to the grindstone.

Worked out this morning. if you can call it that. I ran four laps and stretched. it took 15 minutes. but by the end of the fall semester, I'll be working out two to three hours every morning. I'm just really weak right now.

classes today weren't really classes, they were more like "meet the teacher and read the syllabus" day. so that's what we did. I have one of my favorite teachers for English. he's very funny. he was born in the wrong century, he should have been born in England in the 18th century. because that's where he fits in… and yet he makes Monty Python jokes and accepts cultural event reports about Zombie Walks.  I'm taking a ballet class and helping the teacher in part of another dance class. I'm excited :D

John called me for a few minutes around lunch. he really missed me and I told him I had some time, so we chatted for a little while. I miss him.

later this afternoon I went to starbucks and tried to work on one of my books, but it wasn't working so I gave up and facebooked John for a while, but then facebook wasn't working so I gave up on that. so I went to the cookout behind our dorm and attempted to eat a crappy hamburger and failed miserably (I hate about half a bite) and sat there opening and closing my knife that John gave me (yes, he gave me a knife. dumb, right?). then who should show up but Jace!

and let me tell you. it's so much easier to be just a friend to guys when you've got another guy on your mind.

now I can still appreciate beauty. Although Jace chopped off all his hair and shaved his beard so he looks completely different—still attractive, but different— still handsome, but not quite as sexy as he was with a head of blond curls. I threatened to kill him. so he took away my knife.

anyway, he loves speaking french and I have to study french so we're going to hang out and study french together. I hope. because that would be awesome.

the only thing I'm worried about is this… I need to make some new friends this year because Sarah and Katie and Jace and a lot of other people I know are graduating in the spring, and I won't have any friends left :( so I need to make some new friends.

so for food this week, I'm focusing on boosting my metabolism. I'll eat well too, but more than anything I'm trying to get the metabolism up. so don't kill me for eating pizza.

Breakfast: 3/4 cup oatmeal, little cinnamon, 1 tsp wheat germ, 1/2 cup whole milk. this is nasty. I didn't realize wheat germ tasted nasty by itself. but its good for me so I'm going to eat it anyway. ew. I only ate half of it.

snack: Naked Acai berry drink. almost the whole thing. basically that's two days worth of fruit. I love that stuff.

lunch: Natural crunchy Peanut butter and strawberry preserves on french bread. yum! (and water.)

snack: a few triscuit's

late snack: small 3-meat pizza.  and the rest of my chocolate cake. and okay, a starbucks drink. I sort of lost it about 5:00.

I do not want to get my lazy butt out of bed and run laps. I dont, but im going to. Because im G like that.

Aug 21, 2011

If you could time travel, where would you go?

i'd watch the resurrection.

Ask me anything

Going to try again

First of all, no I'm not starving myself.

but I am going to try to go back on my dance diet.

this involves eating about six or seven small meals a day and consuming almost 3000 calories. so again, not starving myself. losing weight, yes hopefully, but not starving myself. I don't want to hear any "Emily, you're going to kill yourself!" or "Emily I'm going to make you eat food!" or "Emily you look so skinny you're going to die!" or "Emily you're underweight!"

because, by the way, a Body Fat Percentage of 11 would be underweight. I'm aiming for 14 as opposed to…whatever I am now, which I actually don't know.

Anyway. I don't want to hear it. that's the stuff that made it fail last time.

Im thinking I'm going to post what I eat on this blog, for accountability. It'll force me to not sneak in chocolate cake too often (yes there will occasionally be some chocolate cake or Ben and Jerry's. it's a must-have during that time, which John refers to as "ravenholm." I'll explain that later.)

which, by the way, he's the only guy I've ever met who will openly ask "are you on your period? do you need extra hugs? can I get you anything?" he's so sweet and considerate like that. and he doesn't feel awkward when I complain about cramps or grumpiness. that right there makes him super special.

he gave me chocolate when I visited him (not Tuesday, but the other weekend when I took Sis to the MtG shop.) it made me immensely happy.

and I think he's going to give me flowers for my birthday because he was sort of hinting at it. ive never gotten flowers from anyone but my dad. it would be really nice to get flowers…

okay yes I'm totally in love with him.

back to the subject at hand.

My goal is 120 with a BFP of 14. Last time I hit 122 with a BFP of 14.8, and that took a little over a month, but I only recorded about 3 weeks of it.

We'll see if it works. It'll keep me blogging regularly at least!!

School starts tomorrow. so excited, but a little nervous :)

Aug 16, 2011

Need to get up. We're leaving at 7. So excited ^^

Aug 11, 2011


well the visit was nice. I get to see him on tuesday. wednesday we go to school.

lost (and found) my phone today. lost my GPS last week and still can't find it.

also lost my zune. which didn't work anyway but at least I knew where it was.

im so stressed and frustrated and nervous about John. I won't get into the details of why, but it's tricky and a little nerve wracking.



Aug 7, 2011

Headphone Horrors!

Ok so here's what happened:

My MP3 player is a Microsoft Zune. It sucks. It's horrible. I hate it. I mean I like it, but I hate that sometimes it works great and sometimes it doesn't work at all. So it sucks.

It died. I decide it's time to use my phone as an MP3 player since that's what it's supposed to do… so I go out and get a cable to hook my phone up to my computer. $30.

Get home and figure out that my phone won't store any music on it unless I get a Micro SD chip. So I get a Micro SD chip. $15.

Synch my music: I'm so excited! look for the headphone jack and discover I don't have any micro headphones. So I go to radio shack because that's where I got the cable, and I ask if they have headphones. they don't have any.

so I go to the  AT&T store, assuming that since it's an AT&T phone the store that sells the phone will also sell the headphones. they don't have them either.

so I go to staples as a last resort. they don't have them either. but they do have bluetooth headsets and that gives me an idea.

so I go BACK to the AT&T store and ask for BLUETOOTH headphones instead of MICRO headphones because my phone has bluetooth connectivity. they do have bluetooth headphones. but they cost $100. I did however find out that they had an accessory sale going on, so it was only $80. there was also an Itunes gift card for ten bucks, so technically I spent $70 on headphones and $10 on Itunes. (which is a rip off anyway because Itunes is so freaking expensive. Amazon is much better.)

and THEN mom was like "oh. I have a pair of bluetooth headphones you can have!"

I was like "gee. thanks mom."

but moms won't connect to my phone.

the ones I bought did, but they don't fit.

o.0 nvodashogsnvoasf.

Aug 5, 2011

Bwahahaa i just figured out how to use the t9 autocorrect on my phone hehehehe

Aug 4, 2011

im sowwy

I know ive been really bad about blogging lately. here's why:

  1. ive been working for my dad teaching art camps. I know right? im a freaking art teacher. John teases me about the bodies of problem students being stored in my freezer.
  2. there's been a lot to say, but I wanted to just sit down and write it all out in a nice long post, but that takes time, and time is something I don't have a lot of.
  3. im sick as a dog.
  4. my aunt is visiting from CA so we've been playing tour guides and entertainers for the past week. and the week before that was house cleaning. and I mean serious cleaning. my mom dusted books and sorted through her scrapbooking papers.

so here's what's happened.

  1. yes I was PMSing. (and yes you did need to know that random awkward detail). That was Wednesday I believe…maybe tuesday. Not sure. anyway I was such a mess. I went to the store and worked on some art stuff for several hours. I was stressed, crying over the phone with John, yeah it was horrible.
  2. John explained to me how the middle finger came about. yeah I know that's random. it's actually really funny and I'll write about it some time.
  3. Last Friday I took Ears, Sis, and Mat (her boy-friend who isn't her boyfriend) to some card shops. while they bought MTG cards, I hung out with John. (and Victory: THIS was the first date, he said so. so there. hah! ;D) We went out to pizza and went back to his place and I met his dad. then we watched a movie called RED: Retired Extremely Dangerous—and it was awesome. it was my kind of movie: spies, dangerous weapons, fight scenes, huge explosions, and undying love.
  4. Saturday mom and I went up to get my aunt from the air port, and we visited John's family while we were up there. our mothers went shopping, John and I went around town for a drive, and then went back to his place (his dad was there)  and sat on the couch and talked. it was so nice.
  5. this week I got new pointe shoes that fit me so well and look great on my feet!! im so excited. they cost me almost $200 for two pairs, but they're great. they look beautiful, unlike the old ones that just looked boxy.
  6. now im sick. and I may not be able to visit John this weekend when everyone goes up to drop off the aunt and go school shopping (we were going to hang out while they went shopping) but I can't go if im sick.
  7. therefore, im going to be so I can get well.

and that's about it. 


Jul 27, 2011

God. Please tell me im pms-ing.

Jul 24, 2011

Who makes you laugh the hardest?

John, Sis, Dad, or Jace.

Ask me anything

Jul 20, 2011

How often do you remember your dreams?

very rarely... only when I'm having a REM disorder, or when they're bad. or when I've gotten too much sleep and i fall back asleep and i'm lucid. but not often.

Ask me anything

Did you ever date Cameron?

roflmbo. no. and i don't intend to.

Ask me anything

Jul 19, 2011


John might be visiting this weekend.

I really can't say anything other than I miss him like crazy (I know I've only actually met him once. But we've been good friends for a month now.) and he wants to talk to dad while he's up here.

really. I'm sort of excited and nervous at the same time. I miss him. but I'm also kind of terrified. I'll share a piece of a text convo between me and Victory:


Victory: "Girl…I just read the list. you're in trouble."

Em: "what list?"

Victory: "THE list."

Em: "Oh. yeah. THAT list. why am I in trouble?"

Victory: "because he IS the list!"


which is true. that's sort of intimidating. I mean, he even meets the requirements I wanted but didn't put on the list, like the color of his hair and eyes and how tall I wanted him to be and that little detail about being willing to wait for our first kiss until our wedding day (though I may have to settle for when I get an engagement ring because WOW coughchemistrycough. hm. ahem.).

so yeah.

teaching twelve children how to sew and bind books and knit and make jewelry this week. I'm losing my voice. sigh. I think I'll have to settle with three or four kids. maybe five. six max. if I ever hit seven, I'm hiring a nanny.

dumb dog.

our blue standard poodle is a puppy from hell.

I don't hat ehim, I just seriously dislike him. he eats sanitary pads out of the trash can and today he was chewing on paper towels. I can't figure out his morbid fascination with used paper.

I thought poodles were supposed to be smart… but he's retarded.

apparently he'll calm down after he gets fixed. he's got hormones pumping through is blood right now. we're hoping when certain organs are removed he calms down a little.

*mutters to herself* he's like a two-year-old and a nineteen-year-old boy at the same time!

Jul 15, 2011


Yes I did write songs a long time ago. I found most of the good ones today and I posted them here before I forgot. I actually have quite a few more but I have lost them on my computer somewhere… no worries. I can find ANYTHING.

(well almost anything.)

but some of them… it's just better for them to stay lost.

anyway that's what that's about. they're all old.

although I may be posting some poetry some time soon. We'll see.

He Is

One of my first songs. Another one I set to music and can still play on the piano. Mind you it's not very good but it's something…

He has loved us in our sin
Sent us the Way
We’re forgiven today

He is

He was divinely sent
Rejected an shamed
Sinfully slain

He is

He is
the Great Redeemer
the Spotless Lamb
the Chief Cornerstone
The Great I Am
He heals the blind,
the lame, the dumb
HE's our refuge of safety,
The Lord of love
He’s our Heavenly Father
The Prince of Peace
Jehovah, Creator,
our friend in our need,
He is

And He will gloriously reign
Return to us again
Conquer all sin

He is

And we will lift up our hands
Fall to our face
Praise His holy name


He is
the Great Redeemer
the Spotless Lamb
the Chief Cornerstone
The Great I Am
He heals the blind,
the lame, the dumb
HE's our refuge of safety,
The Lord of love
He’s our Heavenly Father
The Prince of Peace
Jehovah, Creator,
our friend in our need,
He is

He is

He is.

Dead Man Walking

This song was inspired by Galatians 2:20, and my neon orange shirt that says "Dead Man Walking."

I like that shirt.

I’ve been crucified
I’m following the Master’s path
I’ve died to the world but
Somehow I’m alive

I don’t live like you
And I don’t live like me anymore
Christ lives in me
He keeps me alive


*Dead Man Walking
I’m a ghost of what I used to be
It’s a death I’ve chosen
I’m tired of living alive*

He died for me
So I’ve died to follow Him
Because He loves me
His life has becomes mine

So in this body
I’ll stay put until it’s gone
And I’ll keep dying
Until the day I’m alive


Straight out of Psalm 29: The Voice of the Lord

A song I wrote a few years ago.

(parenthesis are echoes)

Give unto the Lord
God almighty
To the Lord
Of Strength and Glory

The glory due His name

The voice of the Lord
Rests upon the waters
(the voice of the Lord)

The voice of the Lord
Breaketh the cedars
(the voice of the Lord)

And we cry to the Holy Lord

The Lord our God
Sitith upon the flood
Praise to our Loving God
Who’s Glory thundereth

The Glory due His name

The Voice of the Lord
Divides the flames of fire
(the voice of the Lord)

The voice of the Lord
Strips the forests bare
(the voice of the Lord)

And shaketh the wilderness
(and shaketh the wilderness)
And makes the dear give birth
(and makes the dear give birth)
And is full of Majesty
(and is full of majesty)
And shows His mighty Hand
(and shows His mighty hand)

And we cry to the Holy Lord

The Lord our God
Sits upon the throne
And He will rule
As King Forever more

Give Glory to His name
Give Glory to His name

And we cry to the Holy Lord
(the voice of the Lord…)
(the voice of the Lord…)
(the voice of the Lord…)

God Who Reigns

This is one of my early songs that I set to music on the piano. It's still one of my favorites to play! The second part of the chorus could use some work, but it's right out of scripture, kind of like The Voice of the Lord.

The morning dawns

Clouds are lit

Casting light around


Oceans turn

From grey to blue

Tides come in and out


The wonders of the earth testify Your power


You cause the sun to rise

Your power is shown before our eyes

For You make the lightning and the rain

You cause the winds to blow

All of my thoughts You know

You understand my every prayer

Righteousness and justice are the foundations of your throne

I will glorify the God who reigns


The waters of

The floods lift up

Their voices with their praise


The mountains melt

At Your commands

You are the God who reigns


The wonders of the earth testify Your power

You cause the sun to rise

Your power is shown before our eyes

For You make the lightning and the rain

You cause the winds to blow

All of my thoughts You know

You understand my every prayer

Righteousness and justice are the foundations of your throne

I will glorify the God who reigns


another old song.

No one else knows

No one else understands

No one can hear the desperation calling out from my heart

The words have stayed

Locked up inside me

I didn’t plan to tell a soul from the start


But secret are confidence

When there’s no one on earth you can trust

Why tell anyone

When all they do is judge

But secrets eat away at your soul

And keeping them hidden is tough

They to cut their own way out

Until till you’re bleeding too much


Got to get it all out

It’s all locked up inside

The key is right here

But every time I try

To open my mouth

The words fly away

If I write them all down…

…maybe they’ll stay


my words are all twisted,

knotted, in vain

they never say what I want them to mean


but secrets are worthless

after hiding them every day

you get tired of lying

because they suck your life away

and secret locks and secret keys

that hide the secrets of your past

they eventually rust and melt away

and your secret dies, at last


got to get it all out

it’s all locked up inside

the key is right here

but every time I try

to set myself free

they all want to stay

if I sing them all out…

…maybe they’ll go away


Got to get it all out

It’s all locked up inside

The key is right here

But I’m to tired to try

To do it myself

But You have a key

If I surrender my heart, and accept your will, and give you my life

You’ll set me free


A really old song I wrote. Like… five years ago old.

Pages and pages
Full of different words
All crossed through, erased, and torn out

I’ve been fighting words
For months and months on end
Trying to figure this song out

But maybe those weren’t words that were good enough
And maybe I had started in the wrong place
Maybe I started with me in my mind
Instead of You and Your amazing grace

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see
And You’ve saved me from the wrath my sins had brought and set me free
Why You chose me is a mystery to me
Why You chose me is a mystery to me

My morning begins
I always try to spend
The first few minutes in Your words

But as the day goes on
The love I read about
Vanishes from my actions and words

Why do You love a hypocrite
Why do You save a flock of run-away sheep
Why did You give You son’s life to us
Why did You save me

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see
And You’ve saved me from the wrath my sins had brought and set me free
Why You chose me is a mystery to me
Why You chose me is a mystery to me

But his death to give me life
Was destiny
Fulfilled prophecy
Perfect sovereignty

But why he did it to save sinners is
Confusing me
It’s un-clarity
It’s a mystery

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see
And You’ve saved me from the wrath my sins had brought and set me free
Why You chose me is a mystery to me
Why You chose me is a mystery to me

God one day we will
See You face to face
We will see You reign above

But I don’t think I
Could ever understand
This amazing mystery of Your love

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see
And You’ve saved me from the wrath my sins had brought and set me free
Why You chose me is a mystery to me
Why You chose me is a mystery to me

And You’ve given me a chance to show the world Your majesty,
Why You chose me is a mystery…

Jul 10, 2011

random note.

just re-read my entries over the past month or so, mainly since I met John.

I've known him for a month. yestrerday I saw him for the first time. today was our first date.

this is freaking weird. so surreal. amazing how far we've come.

10:30. bed time.

the weekend

okay. This weekend I met John. here's what happened.

Victory, the girlfriend I was staying with, decided it would be fun to publicly humiliate me by having John show up in one of the stores we were shopping in (because we were hanging out in the downtown area). I had a feeling she was going to bring me into a store with him waiting, or tell him where I was, or send me to go get something so I'd run into him. I was correct.

I was trying on dresses and I heard her talking on the phone with someone. she said something along the lines of "okay we'll meet and have lunch… see you in a few." I knew right away she was talking to him, telling him to come to the store we were in.

he came into the shop while I was still changing. I came out of the dressing room and our eyes met instantly. I recognized him, even though I'd never truly seen him before, because he looked right, he looked like what I thought he'd look like. maybe I'm a freak or maybe I'm clairvoyant, but I can see people in my head when I hear their voices. I can do it with singers too.

anyway. he said something about a picture of me not being adequate, everyone went "awwww" simultaneously and apparently I blushed (that wasn't embarrassing or anything…). I found out he has Number 26 down pat. we took him to lunch, and we spent the rest of the day hanging out together. then he came back with us to Victory's house. we played a retarded card game that made me want to murder Victory (don't ask me to play Mau ever again) and ate ice cream.

that evening, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. there were a lot of people, John was a lot sexier than I expected him to be (seriously? chemistry makes this even more complicated.) and there was a lot of noise. overwhelmed doesn't begin to describe it.

so I sat in the dark front room (in public, but it was a little more private than the kitchen table) and waited for him to come to me, because I knew he would, because he sees me. not like other guys who I'd have to text and say "can we hang out?" or "I need to talk to you" or "I need to be by myself for a while, I'll be right back" or "we haven't gotten a second to ourselves for the whole day and we have things to talk about. get over here." no, John sees me, he's very aware of me, he can read me and understand what's going on inside my head better than I do sometimes. so I went to the living room and waited for him to come.

he did. he sat with me, forced me to look him in the eye and talk to him (which I have a lot of trouble with, but he was patient) and then he asked my mom if he could take me on a walk.

at 9:00 at night.

I was thinking, 'mom is going to say yes. dad would say no, but mom would say yes.' she did say yes, so we went. he told her we'd be gone for thirty minutes.

we got back an hour and a half later.

no I'm not telling you what we did or said. I will say it was all appropriate and the second he got a little too close for my comfort I gave him a glare and a warning and he assured me he would honor me. He did. he did hug me though. that was nice.

we seem to lose track of time. we've talked on the phone for four hours before. once I was up until 3am on the phone. seriously, this just isn't making sense! and yet it seems to be a little too good to be true.

and that usually means it is.

anyway, we went to church together this morning, and we went to Starbucks after. We talked a lot, but then this jerk sat down right next to us and we could tell he was listening to us, so we left.

anyway. it was really nice. he's coming to my hometown soon and I'll meet his parents.

seriously can't wait to see him again.

and that, dear readers, is all the detail you'll get. for now.

maybe in the future if things turn out well, I'll type up one of my real diary entries…

distant future. like, five years from now. or fifteen.

he did make me a promise, though. one I feel like I can share. he told me he wouldn't kiss me until our wedding day. that means a lot to me. that was something I almost put on the list, but told myself that I could compromise on that if it were someone really amazing.

who would have thought I'd have found amazing and willing to wait for me? how special is that??

I let him borrow a few books from me: an encyclopedia of serial killers (he's a Criminology major and has morbid curiosities about violent people like I do) and Sonnets of the Portuguese by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (which, if you haven't read that, you must. she's amazing and so romantic…). the fact that he borrowed love poems from me—and I had him pick from a stack of books, and he chose the sappy poems—makes me happy.

I'm going to try to get some sleep tonight. we'll see if it works.

Jul 7, 2011

So lately…

Haven't been able to write a lot, I've been busy. Here's the rundown of what's been going on lately:

On July 4th, John called dad. apparently they talked for almost two hours. It was just a little crazy. I mean, He's never even met me and he's talking to my dad. He's going to come to my hometown soon and talk to him in person.

Dad seems to like him. Specifically he said "he seems like an articulate young man." I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean, but I guess he isn't prejudiced against him.

Last night in church (I  wasn't there but I heard it from my sister Fish) he made a prayer request for wisdom because a guy wants to court me. he said something along the lines of "the phone call was scary for me, but hopefully it was scarier for him." I told that to John and he laughed. He told me later he wasn't scared but he did have to psych himself up to actually make the call.

he added me to his free minute loop on his phone, but it doesn't actually go through until August. So I'm going to try to keep our calls shorter so I don't use up all his minutes. I mean, talking from 9 to 1am every night isn't really helpful when you've got limited minutes and you're broke.

I get to see him saturday, and he wants to come to church with me sunday and take me out after worship service. I think it's really sweet. He really wants me to meet his parents, and I'd love to, but I also want to spend some time with Victory and her family. And I'm not going to actually get there until Friday at midnight-ish.

Now I'm going to pack for a while, and then make some demo projects for the class I'm teaching the week after next, and then maybe go to the gym and dance for a while… my feet hurt and my legs are twitchy.

So excited for this weekend.

Jul 3, 2011

Test post because sometimes blogget texts dont work...

Jul 1, 2011

I don't want too enter a post title! so there! bah! humbug!)

The role in the play fell through. all for the best, though, because I wouldn't have been able to visit Victory (one of my good girlfriends, you know who you are! yes you have a code name now too, you're that special) because there were performances on the date I was planning to visit.

and I promised John I'd visit him when I went up there.

kinda need to meet him in person soon I think…. we had a pretty intense convo last night. we said a lot of things that I'll never tell to anyone but my diary—the real paper one, not the freakish one—and hopefully nobody will see that until I die.

ive seen a few pictures of him, but the pictures i've seen both look so different, that I can't quite piece together what he looks like.

this is so weird. I've never met this guy in person.

I feel like a fourteen-year-old when he talks to me.

and the blushing thing? geez. it's his new favorite thing to do. he can tell when I'm blushing over the phone. it's completely humiliating. he says sweet sappy (not really sappy but they'd sound sappy if I typed them) things and compliments me all the time and says stuff to make  me uncomfortable (well, uncomfortable in a good way). this is seriously going to cause problems when I meet him.


I need some pizza. maybe a bar of chocolate. or two.


Jun 30, 2011


Because this is the image and template that fits perfectly, and is my "soul-template."



Here's the html:

<p><a href=""><img
style="WIDTH: 208px; HEIGHT: 315px" border=0 hspace=0 src="" width=410

Just copy and paste the whole thing in a html widget.


I changed my template. I like it. it's pretty. and freakish, which fits the title, no?

I did steal the image, but I said who I stole it from and that I edited it in my footer. so it's legal.



who reads this thing, anyway? what are people gonna do, charge me? pfsh.

I'm not random or anything…

boy oh boy oh boy

well, if staying up until 1am talking to a boy on the phone is on my bucket list, I can check that one off.

and I only left because my phone was dying. (mutters to herself about her stupid phone battery).

this is so surreal. I only know him because I posted a request for text messages and my phone number on my facebook status one day while I was bored. we've never even met each other. my mom was so surprised when she found that out.

I wrote him a really long letter today… almost 2000 words saying a lot of stuff I have trouble saying out loud. for those of you who know me, you know I have a hard time talking.

he said he was going to talk to my dad when he comes up. (which won't be this weekend because something came up.)

going to go to the library and knit mittens today. I want to make mittens to sell at my dad's shop over the school year so I can make some money back home.

that was a desperate attempt to get off the subject. it didn't work very well…

today at the coffee shop I ordered a peppermint hot chocolate over ice, and I think they gave me an iced coffee with peppermint in it. but I dind't have time to wait for them to re-make it because I was very nearly late for work because I was talking to mom about John…

sigh. subject changes aren't working.

anyway I saw one of my friends, my awesome librarian-local actor-facebook buddy while I was there and she basically said she has a spot for me in a play. we'll see what happens there.

okay. I'm going to go fold laundry.

Jun 29, 2011


Woke up this morning at 3:50. My poor internal clock is so confused. I went to bed really early last night because John couldn't call me. (pathetic much?)

Ran a mile and a half today. Trying for two by friday. Unless my knees give out...

John might visit this weekend.


Jun 28, 2011


I apologize if this post shows up four times… blogger mobile isn't working right now for some reason…

We had a pretty intense conversation last night, and it doesn't belong online. I did, however, somehow find the strength and guts to something I've never done before: I asked.

I tend to stay quiet and not talk a lot during serious conversations, I just listen and decide my own opinion and voice them when I have the chance. but I did encourage him last night. and when he said he wanted to be friends, somehow I asked. and it was intimidating, and hard, but I did it. he answered well, considering the awkward place I put him in. at least he's being honest with me.

at least I hope he's being honest. I would be able to tell if I were face to face.

then again, I probably would have kept my mouth shut if we were face to face.

thing is, I asked, "tell me right now if that's it." and he sort of laughed. he explained further. but I had to know, because guys have shown interest in me before and then all of a sudden they back off and pull the friend card because I'm too annoying or too serious or too intense. so I asked. he's serious. and he doesn't date to date: he dates to marry.

he says he's going slow.

I shudder to know his definition of fast…

it'll work out, Em. I'm trying to leave it in God's hands. He said the same thing in his explanation.

Those of you who read my rambling and complaining and drama, please pray for us, that we go slow, stay wise, and do only what He wishes.

Jun 25, 2011

*smashes head against wall*

see, now I don't know what to do. John called me again last night. let's just say he seems to be able to see right through me. I've never felt so exposed in my life. and I've never even looked him in the eye. He's visiting my hometown next weekend and he wants to take me out. I've never been this nervous about meeting anyone.

I did find out what "dirt" he had on me though, and it's not as bad as I thought. my girlfriend who gossiped about me (it's okay I forgive you darling) told him I sleep with a huge teddy bear (which is true, no laughing) and that I have a secret blog. he was pretty interested in said blog (which is this one in case you haven't figured it out for some reason). I told him yes I have one and that's all I'm going to tell you about it. he says he's going to find out where to find it by interrogating my friends. NOBODY TELL HIM OR I'LL KILL YOU.

she also told him I'm allergic to chocolate, also true, but I purposefully didn't tell him I was allergic to chocolate, because I knew he was the kind of guy who would bring me chocolate!

but there's a catch. I'm only allergic to the poor quality stuff like Dove or Hershey's. whatever. he knows I can eat Lindor truffles without coughing and tearing up. so there's still hope.

also: he wants to take me ballroom dancing. I about died when he told me that.

yeah. this is getting really hard. I'm trying not to freak out and back off but I'm afraid I might. he's a guy who looks for serious commitment and if I did back off he'd do the same.

But I'm trying not to hand my heart over on a silver platter. because some boys will just crush it without thinking. they have no idea how fragile it is. I doubt he'd do that, but still.

and I'm trying to remember that God's already got the whole thing figured out and He knows my story. I have to read one page at a time. I desperately want to skip to the end to see if it turns out okay but I don't have that option. So I'll just have to hold true to myself and my standards and my faith and trust that it'll work out.

Jun 24, 2011

so here's the thing

my life just got more complicated. not seriously complicated, but just a little. it's all John's fault.

first: he's cute. why does he have to be cute? I mean, his Facebook picture must be outdated or something because he reminded me of one of those guys who definitely has potential to be cute but hasn't quite grown into his good looks yet. but no, yesterday he was teasing me (he said he was either 6'1" or 250lbs and I had to guess which one was true. the imp. I told him I didn't think either was true because the time before that, all three things had been true) and he sent me a picture of himself to prove his point. and he's freaking cute. that makes my life so much more complicated. here I was thinking I could make a friend without letting my stupid feelings get in the way. of course he just HAD to be cute!

second: my mom found out I've been texting a nice, tall, cute, Christian boy who seems to like me a little. now she's like "oh yay! invite him over! you can cook his favorite meal! I want to meet him!" *facepalm* chill mom. let me get to know him first.

third: apparently one of my friends told him something about me and he says he has dirt on me now. I can't possibly think of what she said (I'm glaring at you!!! you know who you are!!!!) because there's really nothing out there that I've done that could really be considered blackmail. I mean, I pretended to marry my best friend when I was four, but I was four! and he's the one who is embarrassed about that story, not me. that's the only thing I can think of. so I'm clueless.

fourth: he now knows I have a secret blog. he doesn't know the name of it, so he won't be able to find it (unless he sneaks onto my computer and opens the correct blogging program and locates the appropriate account, but that requires passwords and time to figure out which of the icons on the desktop is the right one.) but he knows I have one. it's only a matter of time before SOMEONE gives it to him.

so, anyone who knows John or me or has any way of telling him anything, DON'T.

because that would make my life REALLY  complicated.