Oct 18, 2010


i just don't get it, really. is there something i'm missing? do i just not understand what he's thinking?

Jace says that i don't annoy him, that he likes talking to me, that i'm fun. he says to text him so we can hang out.

then i text him to hang out and he avoids saying yes.

he says to find him at lunch or dinner so we can eat together, but even when i'm in clear view he never comes to sit with me.

it just doesn't add up. his initial interest has died, so that's good. but i still want his friendship—it was all i'd wanted in the first place—because he's really cool and i like him as a person. but i can't figure him out.

and sometimes it hits me, like today, how incredibly lonely i still am. i have a few friends; my pretend brothers/sisters, and then out here my Sarah (not her real name, but i knew her from home), and Kelsey (a friend that Sarah introduced to me) and Jace and Derek.

but i'm not really close to any of them. Derek and i talked on the phone a few nights ago, but that's it really.

i want to find a friend that i can trust implicitly and no that i'm not annoying him or going to scare him off or freaking him out.

but it takes me so long to make real friends like that.

like i have this one friend. iv'e known him forEVER. like my whole life. basically we couldn't not be friends if we tried. or if he tried to ditch me i just wouldn't let him. but we're just brother/sister. i want someone who loves me.

sigh. frustrated. just ignore me. i have these days every once in a while and it passes and i'm fine for another few weeks. or days. or whatever.

just whatever.


so besides being bored and depressed and lonely… today i rode my bike to walmart.

yes i'm serious.

rode to walmart, got stuff like groceries and chocolate, and rode back. when i got back my roommate was back in.

own room gone. sigh. oh well.

then i went and danced for a while. that was AWESOME except it really hurt because my toe is still bloody from friday, and i'm really tight.

i was going to run too but i forgot my shorts and i didn't want to run in a skirt or a leotard. so i was like 'whatever. tomorrow.'

so now im in the dining hall and working on my book. i love this book. i really kinda wish my male protagonist was in my life :P



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