invisible man-stabber!

Omigoodness my sister just stabbed an invisible imaginary guy. She is now glaring at him. His leg is still bleeding. She offered him a bandage. SHOOT ME NOW!!!!

Christmas :)

We had a great christmas. I got a lot more stuff than i thought i would. I guess mom likes buying stuff for me. The party was great and Family time was nice. :)

I'm ready to kill someone

I have no words. I want to go home. to school where I BELONG. where at least I have a few friends. where people aren't being bitchy all the time. I always thought I grew up in a home with six Christians. I'm seeing now that that is not the case. and it's getting really painful.

need to go home.

omigoodness

Dear Jesus

please let it snow again.

Amen.

:)

<3

Back to snow

So it's 20 degrees outside, supposed to get to 18 tonight, supposed to be 12 tomorrow night. had snow today, supposed to have snow tomorrow too.

thing is, I used to think that 38 was cold. now 38 is like… "no sweater needed" kind of weather. 45 is "shorts and t-shirt go for a run" weather.

I got a good look at some snowflakes today. they fall like pieces of down from a blanket, and when you look at them, really look at them… they look just like they do in the storybooks. up close, the detail is incredible. and they're so small… and there's so many of them…

and every single one is different!

tell me again… whose idea was it that the world evolved from a cosmic soup?… stupids.

here's what I did today: since church was canceled and I couldn't drive in the slush anyway (because it warmed up to like 38 earlier so it kinda got messy outside…) I stayed in bed until like… 9:30. then I saw it was all white outside and I knew I couldn't sleep anymore. so I got dressed and went for a short walk around my dorm room in the snow and took some pictures (check fb for those of you who know me) and called my mom like… twice. because I was so excited. then I went back inside and made some oatmeal and worked on my new book for a while, then I packed up my stuff and headed off to *$ to study. then I ate lunch in the dining hall and went home (took a walk while I was at it) and knit some christmas presents. that was about it. pretty dull day.

oh yeah. the Freon is leaking out of my refrigerator… good thing that stuff isn't as toxic as some people say it is. dad said maybe it would be good for me… maybe it would fix my brain and I'd be normal… pfsh. Freon as treatment for insanity. I'd love to believe that…

but that would make the voices go away, and they keep me company when my friends decide not to hang out with me. they keep me sane.

the voices keep me sane. omigoodness.

totally random note: I just had the first regular 28-day cycle of my life. dead serious… maybe getting out of my lousy little town was better for me than I thought…

* *** * ** ** * * * * *** * *** * ** ** * * * * *** * *** * ** ** * * * * ***

* *** * ** ** * * * * *** * *** * ** ** * * * ** *** * ** ** * * * * ***

:)

<3

yay snow!

** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * * ** * * * *** * ** * * *** * *

^^ snow :)

<333333333333333333333333

Slightly Depressed… well…

ok maybe a little more than slightly.

see, im on my period. so I'm sorta in a bad mood. and see, I want to see this play tonight, but I don't want to go by myself, and I don't really have anyone to go with, because Jace goes to an irish bar on thursday nights with his friends (must be a guy thing) and derek is probably gonna hang out with his new girlfriend—the girl I wrote about a while back. he did end up eventually asking her out—and my nerdy friends are probably studying.

so yeah.

sigh.

</3

Guys scare me.

my poor brother. I'm trying to convince him that he needs to not date this girl he likes because he's leaving for school next fall, and he needs to get through college and get a good job and establish himself before putting a girl in the picture. he doesn't believe me. he's all "imma be a musician and they all start off broke so it's ok" and "well I can do long distance" and such. it's scaring me.

been trying to pound some sense into his head for the past month. he doesn't seem to be absorbing any of it.

gah. stupid boys.

just ranting.

just ignore me.

</3

Christmas Wishlist

I'll probably add to this as I go. I never remember things that I want for Christmas until like… three days before… and also at random times.

• Earphones or Headphones (my brother has mine… and my good ones broke :\ )
• Amazon gift card is always nice… for music downloads or yarn or books… :-)
• Papermate ™ Profile gel pens. They're my favorite for taking notes
• Homespun yarn. I am so making a blanket for next semester…  <3

A quick song

by The High Kings. they make me smile.

:)

see?

Not to mention that Brian  and Darren are adorable.

<3

ooooh yes that felt good.

I just scared off one of my sisters stalkers… voldemort. yeah. him. he'd been texting her again, even after last time. granted all he'd said was "hi, it's Voldemort." I texted back and said "yeah and this is me, do not text her again."

he hasn't.

bwahahahahahahahaha!

Still sick. Lost my voice. lovely timing since my debate is today. Gonna pack and clean my room after lunch. Idk if i'll sit w/ Jace or not, though.

Sick.

teehee

cute layout. it is adorable. I love it. it looks like a diary.

of course… diary's don't have spell check, so it doesn't look like MY  diary. neither do I capitalize much of anything in my real diary.

I felt like being random today.

BLAH!

hehe.

<3

Birthday

Had a good birthday. Sarah and Kelsey gave me cards (Kelsey gave me some tea!! :) and i went to church. then i went home and did laundry and homework and ate chocoalte, then went to youth group at church. got lots of facebook messages :) and of course i have fb mobile so i got them all on texts too... that was funny. anyway.

although i didn't get any hugs from my family :/ my sister did, however, call me and sing "happy birthday" at the top of her lungs, and my DH (dear roommate) could hear it on the other side of the room with the tv on. we were both laughing.

on to class.

<3

my conclusion

I have come to the conclusion that Jace is not flirting with me. or actually he is but he's just like that. he flirts with EVERYONE. that's just the way he is.

which is a relief because he's one less person I have to worry about.

I haven't heard back from Dave so that's good—no I'm not going to take the job are you kidding me—and Voldemort doesn't count anymore, so I'm free from boys.

temporarily.

watch another one be thrown into the mix as soon as it all calms down. I'll have one week of peace and then BAM another stupid boy will show up and start messing with my brain…

I really need to just get married and be done with it.

<3

Things I've managed

1. I've made a list. A list of things I want in a husband, and I've promised not to settle for anyone who doesn't meet every single requirement. That takes a few people off the "potentials" list, even if they did change. Of course that also leaves the list blank. But I'm trying to relax and not worry about it.
   
2. I've managed to eat half of the huge chocolate lava cupcake my mom sent me for my birthday. I've also managed to gag and cough and break out on my chin. But I really needed the chocolate because I'm going to be alone and doing homework and on my period on my 19th birthday. I've had sucky birthdays, but at least my mom was going to be there to give  me a hug.
   
3. I've dislocated my knee again. hey, I never said this list was things I managed to do right. my knee tape started peeling last night—got caught on my pjs—and today I squirmed in bed or something and popped it. so now it hurts. good job silly girl!
   
4. I've managed to miss a call from my best friend
   
5. I've written 2.5 of the 5 annotations for my annotated bibliography. due on Thursday. it shouldn't be too bad though, because the articles are so short I'll probably finish by tomorrow afternoon.
   
6. I helped a friend
   
7. I got a ride home for thanksgiving
   
8. I made a pair of mittens for my grandma that she likes
   
9. I managed to miss dinner with two sets of friends (one with Derek and his friends and another with Sarah and her friends, whose birthday is today) and miss creative writing club because I was so sick and tired and nasty from this stupid period.
   
10. I managed not to fall asleep in either of my classes today
    
11. I've managed to feel depressed, lonely, tired, sick, and rejected all in about four seconds simply because my teacher said something along the lines of "You guys are all English majors!" and I'm literally the only one in the class who isn't.
    
12. I've managed to make a complete disaster of my room.
    
13. I've managed to fill up my laundry bag with all my favorite clothes, leaving me with only crappy boring shirts and ugly sweat pants. not like it matters because I have acne again and I feel like shit because I'm on my freaking period.
    
14. I've managed to go several days without reading my bible, which is why I feel tired and lonely and depressed. Why do I do this? because I'm like the Israelites.
    
15. I've managed to break my Ethernet cable somehow—or maybe it was already broken—and it doesn't lock into my computer, so it's always slipping out and making me lose connections.
    
16. I've managed to take a four hour nap in the middle of the day.
    
17. I've managed to escape Starbucks without ordering anything at least twice in the past week
    
18. I've managed to only eat one piece of pizza—and whose idea was it to put pineapple on pizza anyway? idiots. I can' believe I used to like that stuff.
    
19. I've (somehow) managed to burn the top of my mouth—maybe it was the pizza—and I have a nasty piece of skin hanging in my mouth that I can't get off and it's driving me mad
    
20. I've managed to have a whole conversation with Jace without him flirting with me. (at least I don't think he was flirting with me.)
    
21. I've managed to stop picking my nails, both recently and long term. I no longer bleed when I touch things and I have fingernails :)
    
22. I've managed to figure out almost every Christmas present I need to make, and have finished a few of them
    
23. I've managed to make a backup of all my novels
    
24. I've managed to start getting over Voldemort…
    
25. I've managed to make a list of 25 things I've managed.

to mommy

one of the reasons I started this blog is for her. see I'm not very good at talking and explaining myself. so I write stuff down and I can make it understandable so she can understand me clearly.

I know my mom is busy and she probably hasn't checked this blog in forever. but this one is for mommy.

I LOVE YOU!!!

(just sayin')

<3

The Problem with Poetry

The Problem with Poetry
is you need something to say
and you need to say it
in a certain way
But when you can't count or think
in words or phrase
you're always left
with a blank page

And the problem with song writing
is you need to sing
to create a sound
that links verse with key
but when you don't know notes
you're left standing
at a mic or piano
with all purpose missing

But the thing about writing
is it's so versitile.
you can show it or say it
let it take a while,
or multum in parvo
or not say it at all
but you're never left empty,
and always feel full.

Payback is beautiful

So Jace has been putting my silverware in my drink every time I get up from the table. today I saw him in the dining hall and waited until he got up and turned the corner, then found his seat and got him back.

it was funny. made me laugh.

payback is beautiful.

Voldemort must die

I don't know if I can let go of this one.

remember Voldemort? yeahhhh just found out he did something recently that has something to do with my family. just in case, I won't say anything specific. but oh my God I could kill him.

^@%@^&%$*&@#$^$#!@&%*^^%*&@$^#$@&*@%$

-takes deep breath-

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I do to scare boys off!

Let's call me "Me" and the boy "Dave." just for sake of conversation.

Here is the text convo I just had. Background info: I was possibly getting a job cleaning this grad student's house a few times a week.

Dave: I have someone working now, but I might be able to use you after thanksgiving.

Me: Awesome. I'll have my car by then.

Dave: Sounds good. The girl working now isn't as cute as you, so it's not distracting lol

Me: Hahaha… Uh is that good or bad?

Dave: Haha idk. If you worked here I might be tempted to hit on you

Me: Should I bring a bodyguard? a guyfriend offered to come with a baseball bat :P (which is true, I mentioned this to Jace and he said he and Derek could come and sit on the couch with baseball bats and look intimidating :P)

Dave: Haha I'm not that bad :)

(I didn't answer)

Dave: But if you want to hang out some time I wouldn't mind

Me: that might be fun. Text me sometime and let me know (I'm thinking starbucks, lunch, library…)

Dave: Ok. want to catch a movie sometime?

Me: I'm… not… allowed. But we can hang out some time, like casually.

Dave:What do u mean not allowed?

Me: Well my dad doesn't let me date, and even though we're obviously not "dating" his definition is pretty broad. It took him 10 years to give me permission to ride in a guy's car…

Dave: Really?? why is that, aren't you like 18?

Me: Well actually I'll be 19 in a few weeks. But until I marry, my dad is the man in charge of me :)

Dave: I understand, I came from a strict family too. But how can you marry if you can't date first?

Me: Ah… you might not believe this… I'm going to have an arranged marriage

Dave: Wow, really? well I hope that goes well for you

Me: yeah :) thanks

 

 

We texted a little more (he told me I was gorgeous which totally made my day) but the whole thing made me laugh. he's probably not going to ask to hang out again :P

see, this is what I mean by scaring people away!

I'll tell you my name

well… my middle name. it's 'procrastination.'

I have an essay due tomorrow that I've brainstormed just a little bit for. it's definitely nowhere near done.

however, I am good at writing essays under pressure and shall do just fine.

now I'm off to lit class. I love lit class. all my cool friends are in that class. Well, almost all of them.

did I mention I changed my minor to Professional Writing instead of literature?… I like writing more than I like reading. next term I may change my major too. idk. we'll see.

<3

Soooo confused

Ok. So.

First Jace flirts with me. then he seems uninterested, but likes to talk to me. We eat lunch together w/ his friend three times a week, and I have class with him the other two days. he'll text me and we talk after classes about our books and characters and dreams (the literal ones, about zombie-filled jewelry shops and aliens in dorm buildings) and say things like "text me and we'll hang out."

so then I text him. and he implies that he doesn't want to hang out. so I figure I'm annoying him and give him a break from me, and just talk to him when I see him.

then he flirts again. he teases me and touches my hair and knocks into me on purpose. today he stole my cucumber off of my plate.

I'm so confused. I don't know what he wants and I can't tell if I'm annoying him or not. and unless he has some major revival or something, I'm never going to marry the guy.

I mean he could change. I hope I'm around to see it, I hope I can be the tool God uses to show him what a Christian really lives like. Because right now, he ain't livin' it.

Anyway. that's what's annoying me right now.

And that on every episode on NCIS Saturday the criminal was trying to kill Abby. And she's my favorite.

I got three boxes in the mail today, and a letter and a small parcel. I ended up getting a card from a sweet lady in our church, three books, and two pairs of pointe shoes <3 <3 <3 so excited about those shoes!!!!! I'm currently working on fixing them. I've put about two hours into them so far, it'll take about four more before they're usable.

and I'm working on a few knitting projects. :)

<?

Whee well that was a scare

Derek has had this crush on this girl for like a year. He finally asked her out the other day and she said yes, so he was all "GAH WHAT DO I DO NOW!" it was funny and kinda cute. anyway he wanted to watch the DVD series that he let me borrow with her, so i had to FIND it before their date started.

nearly had to tear apart the room to find it.

but i did eventually find it.

he has yet to tell me how the date went. it should be interesting to get his take on it. if i can get a chance to talk to the girl that would be even better.

it's funny too, because you would never expect those two to date. they're so different. which is good because he said he was trying to find a girl who he could actually have a long standing relationship with, not just a casual dating relationship, and she's the kind of girl who would be serious.

there may be hope.

anyway. he seems to think that i'm a great judge of character so he's been asking me for advice. which is funny because i've never dated ANYONE and i've never had any kind of relationship but friendship. Well and hating and ignoring each other and pretending to be friends, but Voldemort is the only one who's got that one. because he's so special.

not.

yes i still want to wring his neck. or maybe shoot him from a distance so i don't have to even talk to him. that would be awesome.

i'm not violent at all.

have to study. Jace is at home giving his cats shots, and i have two tests next week. blech.

:P

Trying to determine..

i'm writing a christian romance series, and i'm trying to determine how much intimacy is appropriate. honestly i'm not sure. especially because some of the characters are married. obviously i'm not writing anything explicit, but it's hard to determine, you know? because i want it to be real, but not out of place.

i think i'll just write it with my audience in mind, and have a few friends read it through and tell me if it was ok, or if i need more or less. i mean, christians have the same general desires as nonchristians, so especially when i write the earlier stories when the characters are still courting or dating i want it to be real for them, and that includes desires.

it's just confusing.

i'm loving this series though!!!!!!

<3

grrrr

i just don't get it, really. is there something i'm missing? do i just not understand what he's thinking?

Jace says that i don't annoy him, that he likes talking to me, that i'm fun. he says to text him so we can hang out.

then i text him to hang out and he avoids saying yes.

he says to find him at lunch or dinner so we can eat together, but even when i'm in clear view he never comes to sit with me.

it just doesn't add up. his initial interest has died, so that's good. but i still want his friendship—it was all i'd wanted in the first place—because he's really cool and i like him as a person. but i can't figure him out.

and sometimes it hits me, like today, how incredibly lonely i still am. i have a few friends; my pretend brothers/sisters, and then out here my Sarah (not her real name, but i knew her from home), and Kelsey (a friend that Sarah introduced to me) and Jace and Derek.

but i'm not really close to any of them. Derek and i talked on the phone a few nights ago, but that's it really.

i want to find a friend that i can trust implicitly and no that i'm not annoying him or going to scare him off or freaking him out.

but it takes me so long to make real friends like that.

like i have this one friend. iv'e known him forEVER. like my whole life. basically we couldn't not be friends if we tried. or if he tried to ditch me i just wouldn't let him. but we're just brother/sister. i want someone who loves me.

sigh. frustrated. just ignore me. i have these days every once in a while and it passes and i'm fine for another few weeks. or days. or whatever.

just whatever.

 

so besides being bored and depressed and lonely… today i rode my bike to walmart.

yes i'm serious.

rode to walmart, got stuff like groceries and chocolate, and rode back. when i got back my roommate was back in.

own room gone. sigh. oh well.

then i went and danced for a while. that was AWESOME except it really hurt because my toe is still bloody from friday, and i'm really tight.

i was going to run too but i forgot my shorts and i didn't want to run in a skirt or a leotard. so i was like 'whatever. tomorrow.'

so now im in the dining hall and working on my book. i love this book. i really kinda wish my male protagonist was in my life :P

sigh.

</3

Danny Boy

Thursday was the first day of fall break :D I goofed off and was lazy and slept in but then went to the library and read my Bible for a while and tried to get stuff done. Didn't really get a lot done, but that's ok. Who cares, right? Went to lunch and saw Jace, so I ate with him and his roommate for a while. Went back to my room and looked at the new books I got that day in the mail… some awesome looking young adult hard-covers that'll eventually go to my local library.

that night i had a really horrible dream. i dreamed that there was an alien who was going around and killing students. it was a vampire alien. it would kill the roommate and then circle back and kill the one that was left when it was done with that hall. i decided, because i was smart, that i would kill it. so i went to my RA and told her to get a butcher knife from the kitchen and i got Jace to teach me how to shoot a gun. (idk if he actually knows how to shoot a gun in real life btw) so i fiddled with the light switch and made it motion activated, and put duct tape over one corner so it wouldn't turn on until the alien was close enough for me to kill it the first time the second the light turns on. so here i was thinking it would be hard to kill.

easiest thing i've ever killed in my life. (because of course in my dream i'd killed lots of stuff.)

anyway. the alien was scary. it looked like the one from Signs.

On Friday I went to the gym and danced en pointe (my sister brought me my 5 1/2 4X M shoes and they still have suede on the bottom!!! yay!) they felt SO DAMN GOOD IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!

sorry. shouldn't say that.

but really they did. it felt SO GOOD to be up on my toes again, over my arches and out of my feet. i did some echapes and some chase arabesques and some piques and such.

then i took a niiiiice hoooot shower in the gym.

while i was stretching, i listened to my music. i was listening and singing to Danny Boy by The Hunt Family… which is an awesome arrangement btw. beautiful and haunting, the way it should be. so i was singing it (i was alone in the studio) and later when i was in the dining hall, this guy kept looking at me. i ignored him (thanks to Voldemort, i'm good at that… don't you love my fake names! hah.) but later he passed me and was singing Danny Boy softly to himself.

Well, he was trying to get my attention. But when guys try to get my attention, i don't give it to them.

so i didn't ask and i just left.

i was gonna hang out with Jace but he left for some special magic game competition.

Saturday i didn't do much. Knit, read, ate in my room.

Today, I didn't have a ride to church so I sorta did the same thing: chilled and did nothing. But I went to the dining hall at about 6-ish because i REALLY wanted chocolate and it was too late to go to walmart and get some but i knew it would probably be dark by the time i got back. Jace was back from his thing so we talked for a while. i was so much in my "weird mode" from not socializing all week that i said some pretty wacky things. i was totally rambling. definitely made myself look like an idiot.

but then i'm ok with that, because i kinda am an idiot.

w/e.

he left and i stayed and finished my chocolate cup cake. <3 his roommate was still there so we talked for a while—i don't remember what about—but in the end he was flirting with me. i was like 'great. here we go again.'

i totally won our argument btw.

now i'm back in my room and working on my book. i love these characters! I put Derek and Jace in the book and it is turning out WAY better than if i'd left it the way it was before.

and that has been my weekend.

i have monday and tuesday left of break. i have several books to read, some articles to read, a test to study for, and a walmart trip to make… i think i can do it.

we'll see.

<3

Furious

I am so freaking pissed. I really am. I could beat the guy up.

if you have no idea what i'm talking about, read my public blog. someone seriously tainted Jesus Christ's reputation today and it made me so mad that I cried for a very long time.

but not just mad. i feel heart broken.

i'm not going to elaborate because i might say something a hell of a lot worse than pissed.

</3

ok slacker

i haven't written since tuesday. i feel guilty.

ok. wednesday not much happened… woke up early, got breakfast, went to *$ and read by Bible for a while, went to classes. i ate lunch with Jace (fun) and then i think i studied for a while.

thursday i had a test and then my dad and sister came up that evening. we ate dinner at Macalisters (or however you spell that) and then the next day…

friday morning i got up at 6:30 and got to the gym by about 7-ish. I worked out for about an hour and then showered, blowdried my hair (yes i know right… i'm insane) then headed to *$ to read and pray. I called mom and talked to her for a while too. she was like "who are you and what have you done with my daughter?" because see i am not usually one to get up earlier than i have to.

after classes on friday i went with dad and my sister to a tiny town out here, and then went to a bigger one. i got a buttload of yarn and a funny t-shirt that says,

I'll have a Cafe Mocha,
Vodka, Marijuana, Late
to go… please.

i laughed so hard, i had to get it. there was no walking out of that store without that baby.

then we went to walmart and stocked the fridge dad brought me.

funny story there: dad emptied the fridge but didn't clean it out. he opened it up in our room and i started gagging—i swear the thing had a colony of evolutionary atavists living in there. we got it out of there and cleaned it. he teased me because i handed him a bottle of spray cleaner that he gave me at the beginning of the year and it was still sealed… (WELL I HAVE NOTHING TO SCRUB! I DON'T HAVE A SINK OR MY OWN BATHROOM OR ANYTHING!—nvm. sigh.) anyway. we were being silly and witty and… well… normal… as normal as my family gets, and we managed to get my roommate cracking up. which i've found is honestly pretty easy as long as you're creative. she just doesn't talk much otherwise.

so we stocked the fridge. :)

now i'm catching up on blogging here (hence the post…) and winding the yarn i got, and gonna read some books.

and eat some oatmeal. yummmmmm :)

<3

monday monday...

Mondays are nice. i used to hate them, but i don't anymore. i like them because everything starts over and you have a fresh start.

(unless you have homework from the weekend that you didn't do, and then you start off behind. bad idea.)

monday i woke up earlier than i had to. i thought i'd seen a roach or soemthing in my bed (illusion) and i'd barely slept. so i got up at 7:20 and gone to starbucks at 7:30 (yeah, it takes me ten minutes to walk down thre :\ stupid dorm at the top of the hill at the edge of the campus...) and read my Bible for like... an hour and a half or something. it was nice. of course i'd forgotten my ID card and coudn't get anythign to drink. then i went to my morning class, and went back to my dorm (the housekeeper let me in so i could get my ID) then went to the UC and got breakfast. then i went to my second class (which was kinda lame...we've talked about the same thing for three weeks now. my teacher drives me crazy). i ate lunch and did homework, then went back to my dorm and took a nap, then forced myself to go to the gym. after i worked out i went back to starbucks and read my reading for lit class today (ewwww Milton.). then i went to bed.

that was it :)

maybe today will be more interesting.

…There's a song about that I think…

yesterday.

something something something….yeah. i guess i don't know it. nvm.

yesterday was a good day. thursday night i went to bed at like… 8pm? …. not kidding. i was SO tired. woke up at about 2am and was up until about 4, then slept until 7-ish. i got up and got to starbucks by 8 and did my bible study there. got a caramel apple spice. those things are so good :) and they don't have caffeine! yay!

so. then i went to class. we talked about babies and serial killers (not in the same sentence) and then she tried to convince people to run in the 5k. i was going to.

(keep that in mind.)

so then i went to the UC and chilled for a while. then i went to my other class where they had a debate (and i got to sit and listen and pretend to be interested :D) and then i went to the dining hall and ate panda express. saw Jace on his way to his class.

then i went to starbucks and fought with an html layout. it's still not exactly the way it's supposed to look… but it's getting there. I'm not sure what to do about it.

Then i went to the gym and danced for a while. that was fun. well… ballet is fun in the sense that it's painful and hard and horrible, but still manages to make someone feel beautiful.

then i went to the UC again and ate a piece of pizza, then i went to my dorm and dropped off my dirty dance clothes (EWWW :P) then i went back to starbucks and worked on my book for a while. only got a few scenes done though. i'm not very inspired right now.

or rather, i'm inspired, but not for the books i'm working on. i'm inspired for the ones i haven't started yet.

maybe when i'm sure i'll never see him again, i'll tell you about the story i'm planning on doing… voldemort's basic character would be in it. but until i move out of the state forever or he dies, i'm not going to write it. i'd get so wrapped up in it i might hunt him down and wring his neck.

well, probably not. but i'd certainly fantasize about it.

so i woke up this morning at 7 to get up and get dressed and go for the 5k run. and i was FREEZING. i don't have any of my good legwarmers or tights out here, either (i figured, 'im not dancing, i don't need these' and forgot that as a ballerina, i wear dance stuff whether i'm dancing or not) so i turned off the alarm and laughed at the idea of running in sixty degree weather without warmers. i slept under a microfleece blanket and down comforter until 9:30.

then i texted Jace to see what he was up to, because Derek gave me this tv show series that he wants me to watch and there's no way i'll get through it by myself, and i figured it would be fun to watch it together. but he won't text me back.

what is it with that boy and not texting me on saturdays? that's the day i need to be entertained!! everything is closed out here on saturdays :\

stupid boy.

<3

Questions

Another old one.

this one i started writing in a new journal and didn't realize that i was rhyming until i got to the chorus.

hah

 

 

What do you do

When all you have is questions

And every answer

Feels like a lie

 

How do you find

What you’re looking for

When you don’t know what it is

Or why you try

 

What song do you sing

When all the songs you know

Fall short of what

You need today

 

And how do you write

Your own song instead

When you don’t even know

What you’re trying to say

 

*all my questions have no answers

And no one tells me where to go

Will these questions stay unanswered

Will the rivers all still flow

Will the sun keep rising higher

Will all the stars explode

Will I ever find my answers, *

 

What do you say

When you don’t understand

What you want

Or who you are

 

How do you ask

When the words you use

Turn up empty

Every time

 

And what do you do

When you’ve written it all

There’s not a poem or song

Left to write

 

And how do you finish

The very last verse

When you can’t find words

That rhyme?

 

*All my questions have no answers

And no one tells me where to go

Will these questions stay unanswered,

Will we still have rain and snow

Will the world fall to ruins

Will volcano’s lava flow

Will I ever find my answers, *

 

* All my questions have no answers

And no one tells me where to go

Will these questions stay unanswered,

Will the dolphins dance below

Will the birds still make their nests

Will the trees for them grow

Will I ever find my answers, *

 

 

 

<3

Butterfly Kisses

i really love butterflies. i don't know why. maybe because they're graceful, lighter than a feather, and more beautiful than i could even conceive to be myself. whenever i dance any kind of fairy dance, butterflies are the creatures i am to mimic.

today i held a butterfly.

i was walking back to my dorm and i saw this beautiful large blue and orange-colored butterfly. it looked like it had a bite out of it's wing. i'd remembered seeing that exact same butterfly about two weeks ago, and it was at about the same location.

i knelt down and watched it. it let me get very close to it. on a whim i stretched my hand out to it, and it flew right towards me and sat on my thumb.

and just sat there.

it fluttered its wings slightly, it looked at me. it let me bring it up close to my face so i could look at it. it was beautiful and light and shiny. i couldn't even feel the weight of the thing on my finger.

it didn't fly away until i lifted my hand out and signaled for it to.

it was definitely the highlight of my day, and definitely something i'll never forget. because every princess in her tutu dancing outside with the butterflies wants nothing more than to catch and hold one.

<3

new fone

i like it: good camera, big screen, better speaker, free calls to les parents, and unlimited texting.

but the keypad is horrible.

i guess i can't complain though...or actually i can. it's my blog.

ha!

yeah i keep sending half-texts and stuff with "wierd spelling" (yes i did actually text that to a friend. it's not my fault i'm lysdexic. it all looks the me to same.) the key pad is funky and hard to text with.

whatever. i'll eventually get a good phone and just put the card into the new one... :D maybe christmas? next birthday? who knows. maybe i'll just survive with this one.

anyway. sitting in starbucks waiting for my lunch to settle so i can go running. i've got club at 530, and i'll probably go to the gym after that so i can stretch and shower, then imma try to get over to Brant's dorm for Bible study.

Yeah... I'm pretty sure it's the wrong Brant. about 93% sure. which is just a little upsetting.

not my will but Thine be done. but honestly this is getting annoying.

<3

organized chaos

organized chaos
alone in a crowd
wishing for silence
but everyone's loud
knowing i need
to make an escape
get out of here soon
before I break

//pull me away
get me out
give me a break
ease  my doubt
comfort me
wipe my tears
pull me close
whisper in my ears
that you'll never let me go
that you'll never let me go…\\

watching others
hold someone close
but as close as i get
isn't close enough
getting tired of waiting
though it hasn't been long
but i'm nearly breaking
as i write this song

//pull me away
get me out
give me a break
ease  my doubt
comfort me
wipe my tears
pull me close
whisper in my ears
that you'll never let me go
that you'll never let me go…\\

i know He's got it covered
but my nerves are fried
to the point that knowledge
doesn't hide
the anxiety and stress
building up inside
the breaking point
is too near…

//pull me away
get me out
give me a break
ease  my doubt
comfort me
wipe my tears
pull me close
whisper in my ears
that you'll never let me go
that you'll never let me go…\\

Organized chaos
alone in a crowd
the tears will start flowing
but i'm not allowed
to speak of the things
i have in my heart
because putting them to words
will tear me appart

//pull me away
get me out
give me a break
ease  my doubt
comfort me
wipe my tears
pull me close
whisper in my ears
that you'll never let me go
that you'll never let me go…\\

Church notes in concentrated easy to understand paragraphs. maybe.

So for church, we had two guest preachers. they were both from Southeastern Seminary. I don't remember their names, though.

Basically in the morning service, we talked about the prodigal son. Everyone knows the story, and they focus on the beautiful story of redemption and the picture of salvation. but they forget that Jesus doesn't end His story with a completely happy ending… here's why.

the prodigal son basically went to his father and said "look i don't give a damn if you're dead or alive, i just want my inheritance… i don't care about you, i just want your stuff." so lovingly, his father gave him his stuff. he went and squandered it all, lo and behold a famine hit, so he goes home and his father forgives him—because he was lost, and is now found.

while the older brother uses his father to support him, and is basically waiting until his dad dies to take his own inheritance. he's just as lost. but he isn't found in the end.

a little depressing, hu?

so how does this apply to us?

people who have lived in the church their whole life, who have grown up in a Christian atmosphere are at risk of falling into the "older brother" category, because they look at their actions and their serving and their situation for their salvation, not what Christ has done for us.

so that was good.

well, as good as a convicting sermon can be.

in the evening service, we talked about our callings and our jobs an dour identities and such. the big thing i walked away with is this: we are meant to be first, and do second.

a baby has to be born before he can walk: a person has to become like Christ before he can do his job to the glory of God.

and we talked about identity: how our identity should come from God, and we give to other people rather than take our identify from other things and create ourselves, then worship our jobs.

it was awesome.

and, ok, the preacher was charismatic (and kinda handsome) so it was just a good day.

i'm working on a scarf. it's pretty and wide and warm and comfy. but i'm not sure who i'm going to give it to. i might give it to Jace, and write him a note and explain some stuff. still praying for him. he had a hard weekend.

i'll make sure he has a good week, though.

tomorrow i'm going to go running. and i'm going to run far, and i'm going to run hard, and i'm going to wear tights so my knee tape doesn't sweat off.

but tonight… i'm going back to my dorm and eating ice cream. or pizza. or something. because i'm hungry.

<3

Run to Me

I wrote this some time from March-Jun 2010. as most of my "God-songs," i wrote it in church while i was taking notes.

so here you go.

(btw this is from Jesus' perspective)

—V1—

I know exactly how you feel
because I’ve been there
remember

I became a man for you
as I will be
forever

and now you’re curled up on the floor
because you think that
I’ve left you

but do you realize I’m right here
with My arms out
to hold you…

—C—

Run to Me
when you've fallen to your knees
run to Me
I’m your Savior and High Priest
run to Me
let Me hold you in my arms and give you peace…
run to Me

—V2—

I’ve given you a way
to come home
accepted

I’m breaking down the walls
of a shaky
foundation

that’s blocking up your heart
from My love and
forgiveness

You’ve got to trust Me enough
to hold you
together

—C—

(Upper octave)
Run to Me
when you've fallen to your knees
run to Me
I’m your Savior and High Priest
run to Me
let Me hold you in my arms and give you peace…
run to Me

—B—

(Shifts back down to first octave)
Run away from temptation
run to Me
I’ve been praying forever
that you’ll run to Me
I love you so dearly
so much more than you think
run to Me
run to Me…

—C—

(shifts up key)
Run to Me
when you've fallen to your knees
run to Me
I’m your Savior and High Priest
run to Me
let Me hold you in my arms and give you peace…
run to Me

—E—

Let me hold you in my arms and give you everlasting neverending peace…

run to me.

Take Me Far Away

I wrote this one a LONG time ago. but it's one of my favorites.

however, don't ask me what it means, because i have no idea.

Stumbling
On my way
Home from
Another day

Don’t have anything
To look forward too
Just another day tomorrow

Wondering
what I’ll see
Dreaming of
who I’ll be

But everything
I see today
Is the same as yesterday

Where are You
When will You come home
Will You take me with You
To a place where I belong
And I’m not satisfied
With mediocrity each day
I want You to come back
And take me far away

All and nothing
all the time
walking on
a borderline

between the banks
of sanity
and something frightening

All I want
Is you here
To wake me up
So I can think clear

Changing Changes
Never change they just
leave me
behind

Where are You
When will You come home
Will You take me with You
To a place where I belong
And I’m not satisfied
With mediocrity each day
I want You to come back
And take me far away

Yesterday.

Here's what I did yesterday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…

get it?

NOTHING.

no seriously, nothing.

ok, so i did do some stuff.

i woke up at 9-ish, got to the dining hall by 9:30. i ate breakfast and stayed there until lunch doing homework, and ate lunch there too. now, as you know, i don't eat a whole lot. i eat about half as much food in two meals as a normal person eats in one. so i figured i wasn't cheating.

then i went back to my dorm. i dropped off my notes and went to the library and tried to write for a while.

failed miserably.

i just… wasn't inspired.

which is annoying because i've been inspired ALL WEEK and now i can't write ANYTHING.

gah.

so. anyway.

after that, i went back to my room and moped around for a while, then went back to the dining hall and… watched youtube videos. for like… idk, an hour or so. then i called my friend <3 <3 and talked to her for a while. that was fun.

then i went back to my room and went to bed.

that was it :)

today i'm going to finish my homework and just kinda chillax a little. Jace isn't on campus (he neglected to tell me he was leaving, and he hadn't texted me back, which sorta scared me because i was worried he was in a ditch somewhere but it turns out he's fine thank God *gasp for air* sigh. i'm ok now) and i still can't write. none of my books are lining up.

i hate weekends. i kinda love the school week. but i hate weekends.

<3

yyyeeeeaaaaaahhhhh

back to that t-shirt… it doesn't really apply, but today, ironically, i wore it, and it feels like it does.

or maybe i just hate myself.

idk.

first of all, i'm thinking i have the wrong Brant. his personality is just not lining up, his major isn't right, his age doesn't seem right… sigh.

i could be wrong.

or i could be right.

i'm just going to wait it out and see what happens there. but i feel like i've turned into a detective instead of an investigator. mission isn't solved, nor is it anywhere closer to being done. it's just changed.

today—this is funny—was another debate in ethics class. they debated if online game addictions was the  fault of the manufacturers. Personally, i think it's the individual's problem.

so.

they all had good arguments, there were some good speakers and some bad speakers, and they all finished pretty well. then they sat down for the entire class to vote on their own personal convictions of the topic.

and the best part of the day: "Who thinks that manufacturers are morally responsible for the addiction of the gamers?"

*crickets, no hands go up*

*everyone looks around*

*everyone bursts out laughing.*

"who doesn't have an opinion?"

*two hands*

"who thinks it's the gamer's problem?"

*everyone—minus two—puts their hands up.*

my teacher wrote "lots" for the answer.

it was hilarious.

and as far as Jace…

well.

stumbled across him in the dining hall. we talked for a while, which was fun. of course he's pretty much always fun to talk to. he mentioned missions trips with his church a few times.

that sorta surprised me. honestly i don't know if i'm more concerned or relieved. there's a chance he knows the truth—not the watered down truth, the real truth. but i'm not going to bank on that. instead, i'm going to look for evidences in his life.

of course, it took me a week and a half to establish this much, so i'm thinking the evidence is right there. i'm just going to keep praying that i get a chance to witness to him and that God softens his heart.

i'm going to see a show tonight with a friend from church :) i'm pretty excited about that. it's like an irish family of singers or something… idk. but i ADORE irish music.

i am also gonna sign up for the 5K run—and yes i'm getting a t-shirt—not only because my cjs teacher is giving extra credit, but because i want to do it.

it'll require me to master taping my knee again, though.

it's been so long since i've done it, that i've nearly forgotten. it's a little off centre right now. but i'll get it with practice. of course i only re-tape it once a week, since that's how long the tape lasts.

whatever.

i got my split back!!!! not nearly the full split i had when i was dancing, but it's something.

and i'm working on some awesome knitting projects.

so there you go.

i got a 100% on my cjs test :D :D so excited. now i just have to pass my other classes.

aaaaaand i just ate my last pop-tart. so i'm gonna have to get some more.

idk if i'm anywhere near my supposed weight or not, because the scale at the gym still says i'm 120 soaking wet with shoes on. and there's just no way that's right.

even though i have been back to salad and granola every day for lunch and dinner.

whatever.

i'm going to go to starbucks and study. then to the gym. then shower and come back here and then meet my friend and go listen to awesome irish music.

and pray hard for Jace whenever i remember to. please join me on that one.

<3

Hey... I can blog from my phone :P

…anyone out there?

yes, i do actually like getting comments.

just sayin'.

in the library… i think i'll take a nap. *yawwwwwnnnnn*

<3

My day was just a little awesome. Well maybe more than a little.

So here's the rundown.

Woke up this morning with enough time to get breakfast from Chick-Fil-A and get to class. we talked about federal agencies and how to get hired, and what it takes to get hired by the FBI and stuff like that. it was cool.

then i went to my debate. see, the debate was very unorganized for three reasons:

1. we had one day to meet because our schedules clashed like all git-out.
2. the one guy in our team forgot, so there was just two of us
3. we were the "con" side, so we didn't know specifically what we were going to say until the other team said their parts.

so when i got to my part, i litterally just said the first things that came to my mind. which i kinda sucked at. but i was the only one who used all three minutes, and spoke clearly, and looked at the audience. so i hope i get a decent grade.

anyway.

after that, BCM had free hug day.

now any of you who know me know that i am not a touchy-feely kind of gal. but i do give wicked good hugs. so i stood there in the sun in jeans and hugged TONS of people for two and a half hours.

it was awesome.

and the best part is, we got in a line in front of the University Center, and we just asked everyone if they wanted hugs. and i was in a line of like… five guys. and then me. and all the guys said they gave better hugs than i did, but i knew they were just saying that because they wanted to argue with me. because for some reason, most guys think i'm cute.

whatever.

so we had people vote and they picked me as the best hugger. and sometimes they'd say something like "oh you saved the best for last!" and one guy wouldn't hug anyone but he gave up when i offered.

yeah. i guess being cute ain't that bad. i can get almost any guy to hug me just by smiling and opening my arms.

hehe.

yeah. i gave a lot of people hugs. i gave the guy from my hometown a hug, and the girl from my class a hug, and Jace got a hug, and Brant got a hug. and i am the best hugger ever.

yes i am. :P

so after that, i went to the dining hall and ate crappy salad and soggy granola. then i went back to my room. and i was exhausted. so i took a nap ( ew… i was all sweaty and whatever.) and slept for 'bout an hour and a half. then i woke up about 5pm. and i was like "dangit… cjs running club at 530… i'm tired…" but i hauled my lazy @$$ out of bed and got dressed aaaaaandddd then it started raining and there was a thunderstorm outside. it was BEAUTIFUL and smelled sooo goood. I LOVE mountain thunderstorms because they're not humid. they're just awesome.

so i went to the inside gym instead of going to cjs club. idk how many miles i ran… probably two-ish. maybe. idk.

guess who was at the gym? Jace! so we talked for a while, which was fun, because we always end up talking about highly educated things like poetry and shakespeare and stuff. because we're awesome college students.

then i finished working out and took a niiiice looong shower, went back to the dining hall and ate more crappy food (pizza bagels and chicken nuggets. and more soggy granola. can you guess my main entree right now?)

then i went to starbucks and finished my homework and got about an inch of my friend's christmas present done.

now i'm gonna go to bed cuz i have an 8am class.

God is good.

<3

fail

I've just been a bit of a fail lately. so i'll warn you now, this post will be a little depressing.

on the bright side, i'm in a great mood.

so. first of all, "talk and dress like a pirate day" didn't end up happening. nobody came. so i think Derek is going to reschedule it. i hope he does, anyway. i want a chance to wear my awesome clothes :)

second, at first i was almost sure Brant was the same Brant that i thought he was. but i talked to him yesterday and i'm just not sure. i'm going to find out, though. i'm good with detective work... at least i better be if i'm going to work for a federal agency eventually, which is what i'd like to do. at least i think i'd like to. who knows.

i have a stupid debate coming up in about an hour, and i'm just not very good at debates or talking. nor is my topic very good.

but whatever.

and there's a few other minor fails. one of them is that Jace likes me (which i expected but tried to deter) and another one of Derek's friends likes me even more (and it's just a little creepy, because he's muslim and kinda odd. whatever).

and then there's my book. for the sake of identity, i won't tell you the name of my character or the book, but yesterday i realized i did something so wrong up in the beginning that everything is off. so i'm back at word 20,000 instead of 45,000.

whatever. i'll get through it and i'll do it well. because that story is very important for me to tell.

i think i'll work on it this weekend.

Jace is a writer working on a 15-book series, too. maybe we'll hang out this weekend and just... write.

sigh.

I like this one

the template. it's simple, but cool. i like the pirate picture... if i get a good pic of me this sunday i'll replace it and edit it and such, maybe put one up there.

without my face of course.

so. i have a test on monday. i'm trying to study for it, but i am a little restless. i have running club at 530 and game night at BCM (baptist campus ministry--hey i remembered it!!) where i hope i can clear my concence for the first time in several months.

hope. i might be totally wrong. in which case, the search continues.

but right now as i'm sitting here looking at the problems with self reported crime data... my legs are twitching and my body is saying "WORK ME!!"

or maybe i just hate studying.

my knee tape came in the mail today... my knee feels so good that i'm now beginning to notice the pain in the other one.

thismuch closer to a clearer conscience

Well. Today i went to the student-baptist-church-type-thing and immediately—as in the first person i had a conversation with—i found him. Let's call him Brant, because that's a good name.

at least i'm pretty sure it's him.

same name, same basic physical traits, but it was so long ago that i don't really remember what he looked like. i didn't have time to actually have the conversation i'd wanted to have (for the past five or six months) but i'm going back, and i'm going to find out for sure.

because if it's one thing that's bugging me, it's that.

actually it killed me to leave tonight without talking to him. but i know where to find him now so i'll get another chance. a little bit of stress has come off my shoulders finally finding one more puzzle piece.

but then again, i'm remembering that i have to get one more thing off my shoulders.

<3

In honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day

which is Sunday.

I have changed my layout to pirate themed. because i can.

argh!!!

Well that was interesting

Well, it wasn't really a date. for that I'm glad, because honestly i didn't want to go on one.

without giving anything ridiculous away, there was a fire drill, he wasn't able to meet me because they don't let the students leave during them (they have to stay outside the burning building. that makes a lot of sense… w/e.) so i went to where he was, and we hang out with a few of his friends. then he had something that needed to be taken care of, so i hung out with his friends for a while, and then we all met up again and talked for an hour and a half.

it was fun, and i enjoyed it. i got to know him better and that was all i wanted in the first place. he's a cool guy.

but he really needs the Lord.

I'm praying that i get a chance to witness to him and his friends, and i hope you guys will too, because it would be greatly appreciated.

tonight i'm going to the student-church-baptist-type-thing (i don't remember what it stands for) and i'm hoping i can find a christian friend to fellowship with. i've been praying that i find one, because even though i understand that my job is to be in the world with the unsaved, it takes a toll on your mood.

especially when you're on your period.

which did eventually come, btw. so no fears, i'm still healthy and heavy enough to have one. though idk what'll happen to my weight, since i found out today that i can run 2.5 miles. and if i can get my Achilles tendon stretched out to the point that it doesn't cramp up on me, then i'll certainly be able to run more. because it wasn't my side or my legs that was tired, it was my right ankle tendon.

suck it up, big girl, as my ballet teacher would have said.

my own personal motto: if it doesn't hurt, work harder. if it hurts, work harder more often.

so i'm going running tomorrow, too.

the problem with gaining weight is that you have to eat more food and more snacks. but that means you have to buy more food and snacks. i really hope i don't run out of money…

Well…idk if that was unexpected or not

does that make any sense? because see, it's normal for guys to be interested in me. and i came to college expecting it. yet it's always unexpected when it happens.

so a few days ago i met a group of cool people who decided i was ok enough to hang out with. and so we started hanging out. i'm praying that i get a chance to witness to them. somehow through the course of the night, one of the guys—we'll call him Derek—got my phone number (i don't remember how that happened but whatever) and we decided to hang out another time.

so then yesterday Derek introduced me to one of his friends. we can call his friend Jace, because he reminds me a little of a book character named Jace. (Ever read The Mortal Instruments?…good series!! some stuff I don't like, but the good outweighs the bad for me.) Derek told me to text him something and handed me the phone number, so i thought ok, what else could i do? so i texted him. don't really remember what it was about. anyway we talked a little bit and this morning he asked if we could hang out some time.

and i was like "crap. what am i supposed to say?"

so i called my dad.

he helped me figure out what to do and how to look at this correctly. basically, if he wants to be friends with me, i'm all for it—he's funny and nice and cool. but that's about all it can ever be, because he's also very lost. and i'm all for being friends, because i'll probably get a chance to share the gospel with him.

but i'll also have to keep my head on straight.

then again, this is me we're talking about here. i don't think i'll have too much of a problem with that.

so, dear followers, of whom there are only like…three…pray for me, that i have the boldness to witness to my friends.

and also pray that i find some more Christian friends. because honestly, i do need some regular christian fellowship. it is true i need to be spending my time in the world: why do i hang out with lost people? that's like asking Jesus why he chilled with tax collectors and prostitutes. they were the ones who needed His love. But he also had His disciples.

anyway. i know God works this stuff out.

<3

screw it.

i went running. felt pretty good. did some pt.

at the library now...drinking hot chocolate.

tomorrow will be better.

WARNING: PMS!

over friendly people annoy me.

Ya know, sometimes i just want to sit and wallow in misery. And then some friendly person is like 'can i do anything for you' and how do you say 'no i'm just being stupid on purpose, ignore me.'

you can't, really.

and then they go and give you a free starbucks drink.

ok so maybe the starbucks guy ain't so bad after all. i was gonna get a hot cocoa at the library, but luckily i checked and they don't open until six. i would have walked all the way there and then seen the hours. and if that were the case, i probably would have started crying right then and there.

so he gave me a coffee and i forced him a few smiles. i managed to leave before i cried. have managed to keep it in thus far... well, save church service. i cried this morning. but that had nothing to do with pms.

so then i went and sat under a tree in the sun and the breeze. it was SOOOO NIIIIICE. except the sun was fading and kept sloooowwwwwlllyyy disappearing off of me and i kept having to move. by the time it was all gone i had a wet butt (it rained ALL DAY yesterday). now, i'm feeling the effects of the caffiene. granted i dind't drink all the caramel apple spice latte, but i drank enough of it for that yucky clogged feeling to come to my body. still, i didn't want to say 'sorry, i don't drink caffinated drinks.' when he made me a free coffee. i'm mean, but i'm not disrespectful or rude.

well, not most of the time anyway.

i can't decide if i want to go eat panda express leftovers in my room, or get fresh food from the dining hall, or go back to starbucks and get coffee cake, or go to the library and get hot chocolate, or go back to my dorm and work on my book, or--God forbid--study (actually studying aint so bad), or go for a run...

honestly i want to go for a run. but i've run so much lately that my knee is hurting like CRAZY.(old injury). i actually had to order keniseo text tape (which is kinda pricey) because it hurt so bad.

yes i got the waterproof kind. it lasts longer.

when my mom finds out she'll be mad at me though, because i'm allergic to the glue, and it makes little red dots show upon my knee, and then they turn into scars when i rip the tape off, then i put more on (get it? moron? that's me) and get an infection. then i have to stop using it and clean my knee with rubbing alcohol (ever put rubbing alcohol on an open wound? hurts like #$%^. honestly. moron.) and not use it for a few days, which means it'll hurt from running, and i'll never get better until i quit.

running, that is. i already quit dance.

and she'll be mad because that happened while i was dancing. she made me stop using the waterproof kind.

and i can't stop running, i like it too much.

the thing about running is...you get into a quiet place. how do you get into a quiet place when you're breathing hard, and sweating, and hearing the slap slap slap slap of your shoes and the gasp, push, gasp, push of your breathing? well... see it's like this.

when i danced, i had an interior monologue. that means i heard things--my own inner voice--telling me stuff while i danced: 'lift higher. breathe the music, feel it in your blood. float. become the character.' when i was in character, i had the thoughts the charcter would have: 'oh here, let me fix your bow. God give me a chance to fly, don't let me die please... etc.'

and when i'm sitting in one place staring at a wall (i do that quite often, actually) i hear stuff. voices.

yes i do.

what, you didn't read my diary of the depressed blog? the old one?...no?...good. it was horrible. i did stupid things when i was a kid.

moron.

and besides voices, i hear my characters. 'hey, btw, my husband dies in the sixth book. the guy needs to let up on girl for a while. she thinks her soulmate is trying to kill her. he is the bad guy, not him.'

just random stuff.

and then of course my main interior monologue is the character who stars in her own series (i won't put it up here...just in case.) and she is SO FREAKING OBNOXIOUS. at home, she'd say something and i'd laugh, and my brother would think i was laughing at him. or the like.

but not when i run.

when i run, i don't think about anything. there isn't any music (when i'm running outside). i'm not my characters, i'm not in a fantasy, i'm not thinking. i'm just me, i'm just existing in the presence, and i'm sweating my ass off. and i like it that way.

so i'm not quitting, no matter what happens to my knee. taping and alergies and dislocated kneecaps are worth it. just for a little bit of flipping silence.

this post is turning out longer than i planned.

i feel nasty too. like i'm craving oily food, but i know it won't make this sickish feeling go away. of course i'm also craving chocolate, but imma wait until the caffiene fades before getting anything tasty-ish to drink.

why is it that, when we're depressed, the worst think you can do is sit, and eat...and those are the things we do?

people are stupid

morons.

in summary, the bad side of PMS is that i feel like freaking shit. the good side is that i'm still heavy enough to have a period. because i am underweight. i fluctuate between 117-120. i'm five foot eight. that's just not good.

the whole no friends thing ain't helping my mood either. yeah i've got a few gals up here tht i know, that i like to hang out with. but nobody i would seek out time to spend with. nobody has clicked with me like that yet.

so i'm alone, sick, tired, caffinated, bored, and insanely lonely, i can't go running because i've run like...eight or ten days in a row now, and my body needs a break so i don't die, and my closest friends are five hours away.

and of course, my body is telling me i should be married with three kids by now. honestly...if i had to chose between college and a husband, i'd pick the latter.

be joyful! rejoice! be glad!

shut up.

the thing i've found about depression is that anyone depressed could get out of it if they tried hard enough. but when yuo're in a pit, you don't honestly believe it's worth the effort.

Second Chances

So that guy that I knew back in my hometown who ended up here as well? I got another chance to witness to him today. we had lunch together and talked about God and the church and religion for the entire hour and a half.

 

good stuff

 

im just gonna keep praying for him. please pray for him too.

 

<3

Always when you least expect it

I love how God works with the unexpected. Like yesterday, i was not expecting to meet a cool Christian guy in the coffee shop and talk about being a missionary and being radical on campus. which, i have to say, talking to someone who was on fire for Christ like that…it really made my day. well, it was like 10pm, so it made my night. and made today better, too. he was really cool and friendly and just nice. He had a tattoo all up one arm. so yeah. that conversation was unexpected. good side, it was a breath of fresh air to meet another Christian who viewed Jesus as the most important thing in the universe. downside, never got his name.

 

oh well. "In the Lord I put my trust."

and how today when i left my room, i forgot a pen. you can't take notes without a pen. well, i could have used my computer, but my teacher prefers us to use paper. so she gave me a pen that she found on the desk randomly. but then for my other class, i randomly found a pencil on the ground. yay! i didn't have to buy one or steal one… not that i would or anything. just sayin'.

 

and it was just today, as i sat there eating my chick-fil-a for breakfast, that i realized that i would probably run out of money by the end of the year. and i went to the mail room (where i found the pencil) and i opened my mail box…and found a check for one thousand, eight hundred, and fifty-six dollars.

 

that's a lot of money.

 

i think it's my financial aid rebate check (the aid i was awarded but never used the credit for) and it'll either pay down my loans over the summer, or pay for food for the next two years.

well, maybe a year and a half.

 

but still.

 

i love how God works like that. especially when i found that pencil. i was like "thanks, Jesus. you've got it covered, don't you?"

 

that was one of the things that Tattoo said: all you need, literally, is Him. you don't need ANYTHING else.

 

Also, today in class, my cjs teacher mentioned how the school has this research program for students. i asked about it, and she said we could work on it together. i would do research and write things, and try to get them published. and if i could get them published this early in my career… well. she said i could do just about anything.

 

and i'd get chances to go on vacations for free to cjs conferences. that would be SO COOL. and it's also a witnessing opportunity. Wherever i go it's a witnessing opportunity… that's one of the things i've been reading about.

 

last night before i went to sleep, i read some of Acts. Acts is a cool book. there's lots of miracles in there…it's just cool. so is Romans. it's kinda depressing, but also awesome.

and so is Ephesians. well, and Philippians.

 

wait, how can you pick a favorite?

 

i've had a good morning. the only slightly depressing aspects of my life right now are these:

1. try as i might, the scale in the gym always says i'm 119 or 120. i can't seem to get it back up to a normal weight. my friend out here is a nutrition and diet major, and she was like…"yeah…you're fifteen pounds underweight at least." sigh. imma try pop-tarts. those always seem to do the freshman in, don't they?
2. my period should have come seven days ago. granted i've never in my life been regular, but it's usually somewhere around the first-ish week of the month. i know (or doubt) it has anything to do with my weight…i'm not that skinny. i mean, i am an A cup now (stupid boobs) and my jeans keep falling down… but i'm not that skinny…right?? :(
3. i've been getting horrible cramps whenever i run. but. i talked to my teacher today, and she said it's because i'm eating too soon before i run. so today imma try to run on an empty stomach. of course that'll mean i miss dinner, and that'll mean my metabolism will run for two hours after that, meaning i'll be hungry at 11:pm, and i'll wake up three pounds lighter than i went to sleep. or something ridiculous like that.

so there ya go.

<3

Vacation is over, i'm ready for school now...

So the visit to the fam was nice. Ready to go home, though.

back to school, that is.

have to do this weird assignment for my science class, and i don't really understand it. hope i get an explanation before it's late...otherwise i'm screwed.

and i have a tour tomorrow for a book i haven't read. imma try to read as much as i can, and then post the review a few days later or something.

anyway.

i got some chocolate today, too :D AND omg a new bikini. they were on sale at target, and i got a really pretty floral one and a little swim dress to go with it. i'm technically not allowed to wear bikinis, but if i wear a shirt or something with them, its ok.

which is good, because that's the only thing that fits. my boobs are a small, my waist is an extra small, my butt is an extra large, and my torso is a long. what one piece or tankini fits that?

nothing!

so bikini with a swim dress or shirt it is.

so. tomorrow im gonna meet my ride at the beach, and the family and i are gonna swim for a while, then we'll leave. YAY! for going home to college.

i miss college.

my criminal justice teacher's birthday is on monday. i'm making her a starwars scarf (because she likes starwars) and giving her a cool card that sings the starwars song. and some starwars pens. because i'm awesome like that. and every cjs teacher who runs ten miles at five in the morning needs a chewbacca scarf...right?

riiiight.

<3

ok… i can admit to that

yeah, i don't like watching all those "happy couples" around campus. i don't like watching a guy and a girl walk with their arms around each other smiling like fools on their way to the dining hall. i don't like watching a guy sneak up behind a girl and hug her and kiss her. it bugs me.

 

is it jealously? idk. probably. well ok yeah maybe. truth be told, my body is telling me i should be married right now. i want a husband and kids.

 

but i also want to get through college without guy problems.

 

ironically, it was voldey who disagreed with me on something i held for a long time: don't get married in college. it's what i've been told for years. don't marry in college, don't marry right out of college.

 

but he disagreed, saying if you know you're going to marry someone, marry them right away. it keeps you focused.

 

yeah, that makes sense. but i haven't found a husband yet.

 

and sometimes i just have this horrible feeling like if i don't get a hug soon, i'm just going to fall apart.

 

no it's not college that brought this on.

 

maybe i just feel worse tonight than normal. it seems like everyone around me has someone special to cling to. and the only relationship i have ever had is with my cat.

 

and he doens't count.

 

<-3

yay!!!

I got a ride home for this weekend!!! WOOT! so excited. gonna visit my family :)

 

so today in class, the guy beside me said something about Jesus not being real. I swear i almost broke the desk.  made me so mad. it was like ice in the pit of my stomach. ever felt that?

 

And i thought, "wouldn't it be cool if Jesus appeared in class, right now?"

 

then i thought "Yeah, but we'd all die. idk if i want that to happen."

 

today i'm bringing my laptop with me to the gym. i'm going to dance a little… it's hard to dance with no music, and it's harder to dance with an mp3 player stuck on your arm. so laptop it is. I miss dance and i love it. it makes me feel lie i'm flying. i mean, what other thing can you do to get that feeling? there isn't anything. there's nothing to compare it to…

 

i also got a box today… my mommy mailed me a loaf of bread. yay!!

 

aaaand that's all i can think of for now. i got an ARC in the mail of The Infernal Devices book 1, Clockwork Angel. I might start reading that.

 

sigh.

 

i miss coffee. already. it's been one and a half days without it… i can do this. i know i can.

 

but i still miss the taste.

 

i have yet to find him… I really have been looking everywhere. I look in the dining hall. i looked at church. granted it's only been two weeks, but still. it's kinda annoying… and i don't want to just ask around. that would be weird. if i ever get the chance, i'm going to take it. but still… idk. it's annoying. he's still on my mind, almost every day.

 

and for the record, voldey is still in my head too. i don't think he'll ever leave. one of these days i'll forget about him.

 

maybe i'll move far far away.

 

or maybe i'll get the chance to smack him in the face. reallly. really. hard.

 

<3

No i don't really have anything to say

so why am I blogging?

1. because i have nothing better to do.
2. because i have a meeting at eight and it's already five and i don't want to hike up a hill twice more today
3. because my roommate doesn't like to talk
4. because i'm tired of studying aquafilters
5. because i don't feel like reading or knitting, i just feel like being stupid
6. because i know if i leave my dorm, the first thing i'll do is get a caramel macciatto, and the last thing i need right now is caffiene.
7. because i want to call my parents but i don't want to talk to them. makes perfect sense, right?

 

riiight

 

today after studying various types of crime—remind me to get back to that… thanks—i went and suffered through ethics class.

 

i am really beginning to dislike that class.

 

we've studied the same thing for like, three weeks now. and my teacher… it's like he's trying to teach us reading comprehension. i mean, yes, the writing that we're studying is a little old. but it's not that complicated, right? so why is he talking to us like eight-graders and trying to teach us note-taking in a computer science course?

 

gah.

 

so back to CJS.

 

i mentioned earlier that i loved my teacher. she's the cool one who can get away with calling a criminal a bastard because it fits into context and doesn't really sound like a curse… it just sounds like yes, a guy who stores alcohol in a baby bottle and lets the kid drink it all and die is definitely a bastard.

 

not that i'd ever say that outloud. there are just some words that feel like fire coming out of my mouth.

 

unlike one of my friends here, whose favorite word starts with an F… i bet you know what that one is. which, funny story, i took classes with him back in my home town. we saw each other at orientation—creepy much—and we talked for like, two hours today. spread out over time, but still. he's funny and he's got some stories to tell, but they're still pretty littered with language. i feel like i have to scrub my brain out after talking to him, even though he's kinda fun to talk to.

 

but i'd never tell him that to his face. it's just kinda mean. i'm mean, but i'm not that mean.

 

nor am i mean enough to give him the wrong phone number on purpose. which he thought i did. but we cleared that up.

 

so—again—back to CJS. did you know that the three main characteristics of a serial killer are

1. torturing small animals
2. violence/murder
3. lighting things on fire.

did i mention that my brother is a pyromaniac-wanna-be?

she told me that and i was like……"Oh…my…lollipop."

 

naw. my bro would never be a serial killer. nor would he torture puppies. or kitties.

 

well… idk about kitties. he does love to chase our cats.

 

anyway.

 

next semester… i think i want to take six courses, and three of them with my awesome cjs teacher. maybe.

 

in fact, i almost don't want to go home over the summer, because she's teaching a serial killer class june 1-july 31 (summer term.)

 

i wonder how much convincing it would take my parents to let me do the summer term…

 

her birthday is september 7th. i think i'm gong to knit her something. i don't have wrapping paper and i don't have birthday cards, and i don't have money to buy her a book or a crime-dvd, but i do have yarn. and lots of  it. and every cjs teacher needs a handknit scarf to keep her warm when she runs every morning at 5am…right?

 

riiight.

 

imma go to the library and knit for a while.

 

thank you, blogger, for letting me blog on you, and thank you loyal readers (all four of you) for reading my nothingnesses.

 

is that a word?

 

idk. i'll get lannie to add it to our list of "words that are words because we say they are words."

 

*tells herself to get offline*

 

<3

Sheer Panic

After Bible study at 6:30 by myself in the cool morning air and breakfast at the bagel shop, and an nice cool relaxing walk to my classroom, I sit down in my chair in class at 7:47-ish and—

my heart is racing but I can't breathe—I can't breathe!!—and my chest and arms are hot, but my fingers are numb. my legs are jittery and my mouth is sticky—Still can't breathe!—I'm dizzy because i'm hyperventilating but i can't get enough oxygen to calm down. I rub my legs to make sure they're still alive and haven't stopped working. they're bouncing.

i almost get up. i can't miss class. but—Oh God—I can't breathe.

im fine.

i know that. there's nothing wrong. my heart is healthy. im strong. shoot, im a beast.

i'm going to die.

before i know what i'm doing, i've stood up and asked my teacher where the doctors office is. she tells me how to get there and i leave quickly. i throw away the remainder of my coffee—i'm never drinking coffee again!—and exit the classroom. she said it was outside across the street. but there are too many doors to go out, and there are too many "across the streets" to figure out which one she meant. i walk towards one hall, then change my mind and walk back, then stop. I don't know which one!!

I pick one and scream in my head nothings wrong! i'm fine! i need to calm down. but my legs are working too fast. my arms are tingling a little and my mouth is so sticky that i don't know if i can open it.

i ask a stranger where the building is and she points to the one two buildings away from me. I try to walk controlled, but end up power walking, which doesn't help my heart rate. my chest isn't quite as hot now, because it's chilly outside. my head doesn't hurt as bad either.

i get inside and the smell of cleaner hits me like a wall. i freak out again. i hate the smell of cleaner because about a year ago i nearly fried my brain with bleach and windex (well, it felt like i nearly fried my brain. i was just fine after a day, but i can't clean the bathroom with bleach or windex to this day).

there's nobody at the desk.

i finally got to the doctors and now there's nobody here! i'm going to fall over dead and nobody will know!
a voice snaps me out of my mindset. he tells me to fill out a form.

i don't want to fill out a freaking form! i want to see a doctor and make sure there's nothing wrong with me! it seems like if i hear those words, if a doctor says them, i know i'll be ok. just somebody tell me i'm not going to die.

i rush and fill out the form, and because my handwriting is so bad the lady gets me into the system as the wrong person. i don't find out until later.

they ask me if i want water. water? what would i do with water? it's hot in here again and my arms and legs won't stop moving and i'm hyperventilating again.

"I don't know." i say. because i don't. will water make me feel better? will it make it go away? will it keep me from dying?

"Well, if you feel like you're going to pass out, lay down on your back."

pass out! oh my God. He thinks i might pass out. maybe i will. i've never passed out before. what does it feel like? is it scary? is it better than this feeling? because if it is, i'll do anything it takes to pass out.

i just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling normal again.

what does normal feel like again? I'm scared.

"a nurse will come for you in just a second."

a second? a few minutes? fifteen minutes? the lady at the desk leaves. i'm terrified but i'm not sure what i'm scared of.

now i'm alone! i don't realize it but i've picked the healing scab off of my thumbs, and my cuticles, the ones that took weeks to grow back, are gone on my thumbs too. my brain tells me to knock it off, that picking won't help, but i can't. i can't stop moving. i feel like i'll explode.

Finally i get in to see a doctor. finally the doctor talks to me. the whole time i'm crying and shaking. he's nice, he holds my hands and helps me stop shaking for a while. and i'm scared. i don't know what i'm scared of, but i'm scared.

he says i can just wait until it stops (which would be fine but i might die before then!)  or he can give me medicine.

i hate medicine. i refused to take meds for depression years ago, and i won't even talk about a prescription now. i don't even take pain meds when im on my period or when my mouth hurts or when my knee is out. i grin and bare it. but at that point, all i want to do is fall asleep instantly and wake up and be able to think.

because that's what happens every time. i agree—reluctantly—and when he leaves to get me some medicine i text my parents. pray fore me. then i remember how to spell and i fix it. they text back quickly that they are.

i want to pray and make it go away. i know in my head that Jesus can make it stop but i can't remember how to get from here to there. I just say Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. until the doctor leads me to a recliner.

they give me half a pill because i hardly ever take medicine. it freaks me out. what will it feel like? will it happen slowly? will i be able to feel my arms and legs? they're still twitching a little. i drink all the water and take the pill, hoping that it isn't too bad.

i lay back and they give me a blanket. it's warm, but i'm hot from my heart beating too fast too hard too often. i push it down to my knees.

he said it would make me tired, i'm still scared. how long will it take to dissolve into my blood? will i sink away slowly or will i just wake up later?

i just remember holding on to the button they gave me in case i need them. i almost push it a few times, but tell myself that im ok even though i don't feel like it.

i don't remember when i fell asleep. i think i laid there for about twenty minutes, fearful, breathing hard, crying, and with a cramp in my side. eventually i fell asleep. i remember dreaming that i woke up, unhooked my overalls, and rolled over. i dreamed it several times, which is my body's way of saying "wake up and do this!"

so eventually, about two hours later, i woke up and unhooked my overalls. they were hurting my arms. i fell asleep for another fifteen minutes or so, but when i woke up…

it was like the fog had lifted.

and i realized I was a nutcase for thinking that i'd die even though i'm healthy… i eat salad twice a day. i drink fluids (probably not enough, but still). i didn't have too much caffeine that day. so what had caused me to freak out over absolutely nothing?

absolutely nothing.

I sighed and stood up. i stretched and made sure i wasn't dizzy or ditzy from the meds. thank God i'd only had a half a dose, or i'd have been out for six hours or something.

the doctor smiled and said "welcome back to the world."

and really, that's what it was like. it was like waking up after a bad dream.

that's what a panic attack is like. irrational fear over absolutely nothing.

so. that was my morning. how was yours? :)
<3

new layout

because i can only handle a layout for about a month before i change it.

ya know?

well, you do now.

plus also, now you can comment.

(if you want to.)

<3

Warning, offensive material ahead!

COLLEGE!

(hope I spelled that right.)

Here's the quick and dirty on the past four days.

1. My Criminal Justice teacher is freaking awesome. She would have used a different word that freaking, I'm sure you can figure it out if you think about it long enough. She cusses in class all the time. Now normally I'm offended by language, but somehow, someway, she can get away with it without being offensive. Maybe she's putting it into context? Idk. My characters in my books cuss sometimes, and it doesn't bug me. Maybe it's the same. When she talks about serial killers and crack dealers and murderers, saying shit doesn't seem abnormal.
2. I still have no idea what to expect from Internet Security and Ethics... no idea whatsoever.
3. My Literature teacher is cool!!! I can't wait for his class. He's got this prestigious look about him and he talks like he's totally at ease. which he probably is. he has so much knowledge about his field that it radiates from him, almost tangibly. when he walked into the room, it was silent. he had this aura of "I know more than you do so shut up and listen," but it was a nice respectful "shut up." he demands respect in the way he speaks and holds himself.
4. My geology teacher is cool but... shoot guys. we learned about the big bang today. and it was incredible how ironic it was. here's why: she would constantly say "does that make sense to you guys?" and yes, hypothetically i understood what she was saying. but it amazes me that the science behind the nebula theory and the creation of the earth is so illogical, anyone in the second grade could see it. and yet they're all brainwashed.

no i didn't stand up in class and ask offensive questions... here's the questions I didn't ask:

• "so you date the fossils by the rocks, and you date the rocks by the fossils. how does that work?"
• Where did the star come from that exploded and made the solar system?
• if the disk that created the planets determines which direction the planets rotate, and all the planets rotate around the sun the same way, why do some planets turn on their axis backwards?
• how did the solar wind separate the chemicals to create the planets... and why aren't all the planets made of the same materials?
  
  (btw guys, take a bunch of rock, dirt, sand, gavel, and water, put it in a jar, and swirl it. it'll be evenly distributed.)
• If Carbon dating has fixed rates and works so well, why do people have to date things over and over and over, and end up with vastly different numbers every time?
• what about the dinosaur they dated where one part of it's body was one age and the other part was several million years difference? (yeah... my leg was a little slow to die. NO.)
• how did sediments cut through rock? there would have had to be something to shake the earth or crack it to allow the sediments in there to form. something catastrophic like, say, i don't know, an earthquake, or a fault, or a FLOOD.... just sayin'.
• if trilobites only existed in the first time period and they ALL died, why did we find live ones about ten years ago?

yeah. those are the questions i didn't ask. because i don't want to make my teacher look bad in front of her class. Me? i don't have a problem with me looking bad. shoot there were probably other creationists in the room who were like "stupid." but if you're up there, and someone asks you to answer questions like that and you can't... it's embarrassing. and i'm gonna need to keep my teacher on my side if i'm gonna pass this course. let's just say im not good at science.

or i could say im good at science, but i suck at the religion of evolution.

more on that later.

So I mentioned the language thing, right? riiight. guess how many times I heard the F-bomb yesterday?!

.........waits......

I don't remember! too many times.

sigh. people are stupid.

i mean really, there are much better words than that. fiddlesticks. that's just discombobulated. oh my lillipop. what the gumbo. you can come up with some very funny catchy un-cuss words to say if you try hard enough.

but people don't like to think... not about bad words, or culture, or the arts, or religion, or science. slam a rock into a molten body of lava. does it make a planet and a moon? no. it makes a molten body of lava with a rock stuck in it until the rock dissolves.

stupids.

<3

ok… well

So I did eventually get the microwave, but of course it’s a three-prong and i can’t plug it into my extension chord.

and my extension chords are crappy… i can’t put stuff all the way in. which is dangerous. I eventually figured out that i just had to push REALLY HARD and it would work.

then i worked out. i got to take a bike ride around campus… and i mean i went everywhere. all over. up and down hills… shoot some of those hills are so steep that i had to hold my breaks down and it was still a little nerve wracking… i’ll get the feel for the roads and then i’ll be fine. let’s just say that it would take me twenty minutes to walk to my one classroom… well on the bike it’ll probably take about four minutes at the most ;) happyday! (of course… then i have to get back up the hill to my dorm.)

after my long and strenuous bike ride (yeah there were a few cars will rolled down windows and screaming guys, but not too many and nothing offensive, thank God.) I hiked back to my dorm (quite literally) and did situps for about four minutes, pushups (like… i think i did fifteen. which is a lot for my skimpy arms) and stretched.

i’m seriously like eight inches away from a split. I used to be able to do a full crossed split and lean forwards, and then kick my back foot up and lean back and touch it to my nose. but seriously? i’m SO tight!

I’ll get it back in a week, though. i swear! (ok so maybe two). with all the hiking ill be doing, hamstrings will be tiiiight… but my butt will look great by Christmas. legs too. yay for living on the top of the hill!

then i painted my nails.

see?

purty. they all have orange flowers with blue centers and green stems. fannncy stuff.

so there was my day :)

<3