Sep 12, 2010


over friendly people annoy me.

Ya know, sometimes i just want to sit and wallow in misery. And then some friendly person is like 'can i do anything for you' and how do you say 'no i'm just being stupid on purpose, ignore me.'

you can't, really.

and then they go and give you a free starbucks drink.

ok so maybe the starbucks guy ain't so bad after all. i was gonna get a hot cocoa at the library, but luckily i checked and they don't open until six. i would have walked all the way there and then seen the hours. and if that were the case, i probably would have started crying right then and there.

so he gave me a coffee and i forced him a few smiles. i managed to leave before i cried. have managed to keep it in thus far... well, save church service. i cried this morning. but that had nothing to do with pms.

so then i went and sat under a tree in the sun and the breeze. it was SOOOO NIIIIICE. except the sun was fading and kept sloooowwwwwlllyyy disappearing off of me and i kept having to move. by the time it was all gone i had a wet butt (it rained ALL DAY yesterday). now, i'm feeling the effects of the caffiene. granted i dind't drink all the caramel apple spice latte, but i drank enough of it for that yucky clogged feeling to come to my body. still, i didn't want to say 'sorry, i don't drink caffinated drinks.' when he made me a free coffee. i'm mean, but i'm not disrespectful or rude.

well, not most of the time anyway.

i can't decide if i want to go eat panda express leftovers in my room, or get fresh food from the dining hall, or go back to starbucks and get coffee cake, or go to the library and get hot chocolate, or go back to my dorm and work on my book, or--God forbid--study (actually studying aint so bad), or go for a run...

honestly i want to go for a run. but i've run so much lately that my knee is hurting like CRAZY.(old injury). i actually had to order keniseo text tape (which is kinda pricey) because it hurt so bad.

yes i got the waterproof kind. it lasts longer.

when my mom finds out she'll be mad at me though, because i'm allergic to the glue, and it makes little red dots show upon my knee, and then they turn into scars when i rip the tape off, then i put more on (get it? moron? that's me) and get an infection. then i have to stop using it and clean my knee with rubbing alcohol (ever put rubbing alcohol on an open wound? hurts like #$%^. honestly. moron.) and not use it for a few days, which means it'll hurt from running, and i'll never get better until i quit.

running, that is. i already quit dance.

and she'll be mad because that happened while i was dancing. she made me stop using the waterproof kind.

and i can't stop running, i like it too much.

the thing about running get into a quiet place. how do you get into a quiet place when you're breathing hard, and sweating, and hearing the slap slap slap slap of your shoes and the gasp, push, gasp, push of your breathing? well... see it's like this.

when i danced, i had an interior monologue. that means i heard things--my own inner voice--telling me stuff while i danced: 'lift higher. breathe the music, feel it in your blood. float. become the character.' when i was in character, i had the thoughts the charcter would have: 'oh here, let me fix your bow. God give me a chance to fly, don't let me die please... etc.'

and when i'm sitting in one place staring at a wall (i do that quite often, actually) i hear stuff. voices.

yes i do.

what, you didn't read my diary of the depressed blog? the old one? it was horrible. i did stupid things when i was a kid.


and besides voices, i hear my characters. 'hey, btw, my husband dies in the sixth book. the guy needs to let up on girl for a while. she thinks her soulmate is trying to kill her. he is the bad guy, not him.'

just random stuff.

and then of course my main interior monologue is the character who stars in her own series (i won't put it up here...just in case.) and she is SO FREAKING OBNOXIOUS. at home, she'd say something and i'd laugh, and my brother would think i was laughing at him. or the like.

but not when i run.

when i run, i don't think about anything. there isn't any music (when i'm running outside). i'm not my characters, i'm not in a fantasy, i'm not thinking. i'm just me, i'm just existing in the presence, and i'm sweating my ass off. and i like it that way.

so i'm not quitting, no matter what happens to my knee. taping and alergies and dislocated kneecaps are worth it. just for a little bit of flipping silence.

this post is turning out longer than i planned.

i feel nasty too. like i'm craving oily food, but i know it won't make this sickish feeling go away. of course i'm also craving chocolate, but imma wait until the caffiene fades before getting anything tasty-ish to drink.

why is it that, when we're depressed, the worst think you can do is sit, and eat...and those are the things we do?

people are stupid


in summary, the bad side of PMS is that i feel like freaking shit. the good side is that i'm still heavy enough to have a period. because i am underweight. i fluctuate between 117-120. i'm five foot eight. that's just not good.

the whole no friends thing ain't helping my mood either. yeah i've got a few gals up here tht i know, that i like to hang out with. but nobody i would seek out time to spend with. nobody has clicked with me like that yet.

so i'm alone, sick, tired, caffinated, bored, and insanely lonely, i can't go running because i've run like...eight or ten days in a row now, and my body needs a break so i don't die, and my closest friends are five hours away.

and of course, my body is telling me i should be married with three kids by now. honestly...if i had to chose between college and a husband, i'd pick the latter.

be joyful! rejoice! be glad!

shut up.

the thing i've found about depression is that anyone depressed could get out of it if they tried hard enough. but when yuo're in a pit, you don't honestly believe it's worth the effort.

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