Butterfly Kisses

i really love butterflies. i don't know why. maybe because they're graceful, lighter than a feather, and more beautiful than i could even conceive to be myself. whenever i dance any kind of fairy dance, butterflies are the creatures i am to mimic.

today i held a butterfly.

i was walking back to my dorm and i saw this beautiful large blue and orange-colored butterfly. it looked like it had a bite out of it's wing. i'd remembered seeing that exact same butterfly about two weeks ago, and it was at about the same location.

i knelt down and watched it. it let me get very close to it. on a whim i stretched my hand out to it, and it flew right towards me and sat on my thumb.

and just sat there.

it fluttered its wings slightly, it looked at me. it let me bring it up close to my face so i could look at it. it was beautiful and light and shiny. i couldn't even feel the weight of the thing on my finger.

it didn't fly away until i lifted my hand out and signaled for it to.

it was definitely the highlight of my day, and definitely something i'll never forget. because every princess in her tutu dancing outside with the butterflies wants nothing more than to catch and hold one.

<3

new fone

i like it: good camera, big screen, better speaker, free calls to les parents, and unlimited texting.

but the keypad is horrible.

i guess i can't complain though...or actually i can. it's my blog.

ha!

yeah i keep sending half-texts and stuff with "wierd spelling" (yes i did actually text that to a friend. it's not my fault i'm lysdexic. it all looks the me to same.) the key pad is funky and hard to text with.

whatever. i'll eventually get a good phone and just put the card into the new one... :D maybe christmas? next birthday? who knows. maybe i'll just survive with this one.

anyway. sitting in starbucks waiting for my lunch to settle so i can go running. i've got club at 530, and i'll probably go to the gym after that so i can stretch and shower, then imma try to get over to Brant's dorm for Bible study.

Yeah... I'm pretty sure it's the wrong Brant. about 93% sure. which is just a little upsetting.

not my will but Thine be done. but honestly this is getting annoying.

<3

organized chaos

organized chaos
alone in a crowd
wishing for silence
but everyone's loud
knowing i need
to make an escape
get out of here soon
before I break

//pull me away
get me out
give me a break
ease  my doubt
comfort me
wipe my tears
pull me close
whisper in my ears
that you'll never let me go
that you'll never let me go…\\

watching others
hold someone close
but as close as i get
isn't close enough
getting tired of waiting
though it hasn't been long
but i'm nearly breaking
as i write this song

//pull me away
get me out
give me a break
ease  my doubt
comfort me
wipe my tears
pull me close
whisper in my ears
that you'll never let me go
that you'll never let me go…\\

i know He's got it covered
but my nerves are fried
to the point that knowledge
doesn't hide
the anxiety and stress
building up inside
the breaking point
is too near…

//pull me away
get me out
give me a break
ease  my doubt
comfort me
wipe my tears
pull me close
whisper in my ears
that you'll never let me go
that you'll never let me go…\\

Organized chaos
alone in a crowd
the tears will start flowing
but i'm not allowed
to speak of the things
i have in my heart
because putting them to words
will tear me appart

//pull me away
get me out
give me a break
ease  my doubt
comfort me
wipe my tears
pull me close
whisper in my ears
that you'll never let me go
that you'll never let me go…\\

Church notes in concentrated easy to understand paragraphs. maybe.

So for church, we had two guest preachers. they were both from Southeastern Seminary. I don't remember their names, though.

Basically in the morning service, we talked about the prodigal son. Everyone knows the story, and they focus on the beautiful story of redemption and the picture of salvation. but they forget that Jesus doesn't end His story with a completely happy ending… here's why.

the prodigal son basically went to his father and said "look i don't give a damn if you're dead or alive, i just want my inheritance… i don't care about you, i just want your stuff." so lovingly, his father gave him his stuff. he went and squandered it all, lo and behold a famine hit, so he goes home and his father forgives him—because he was lost, and is now found.

while the older brother uses his father to support him, and is basically waiting until his dad dies to take his own inheritance. he's just as lost. but he isn't found in the end.

a little depressing, hu?

so how does this apply to us?

people who have lived in the church their whole life, who have grown up in a Christian atmosphere are at risk of falling into the "older brother" category, because they look at their actions and their serving and their situation for their salvation, not what Christ has done for us.

so that was good.

well, as good as a convicting sermon can be.

in the evening service, we talked about our callings and our jobs an dour identities and such. the big thing i walked away with is this: we are meant to be first, and do second.

a baby has to be born before he can walk: a person has to become like Christ before he can do his job to the glory of God.

and we talked about identity: how our identity should come from God, and we give to other people rather than take our identify from other things and create ourselves, then worship our jobs.

it was awesome.

and, ok, the preacher was charismatic (and kinda handsome) so it was just a good day.

i'm working on a scarf. it's pretty and wide and warm and comfy. but i'm not sure who i'm going to give it to. i might give it to Jace, and write him a note and explain some stuff. still praying for him. he had a hard weekend.

i'll make sure he has a good week, though.

tomorrow i'm going to go running. and i'm going to run far, and i'm going to run hard, and i'm going to wear tights so my knee tape doesn't sweat off.

but tonight… i'm going back to my dorm and eating ice cream. or pizza. or something. because i'm hungry.

<3

Run to Me

I wrote this some time from March-Jun 2010. as most of my "God-songs," i wrote it in church while i was taking notes.

so here you go.

(btw this is from Jesus' perspective)

—V1—

I know exactly how you feel
because I’ve been there
remember

I became a man for you
as I will be
forever

and now you’re curled up on the floor
because you think that
I’ve left you

but do you realize I’m right here
with My arms out
to hold you…

—C—

Run to Me
when you've fallen to your knees
run to Me
I’m your Savior and High Priest
run to Me
let Me hold you in my arms and give you peace…
run to Me

—V2—

I’ve given you a way
to come home
accepted

I’m breaking down the walls
of a shaky
foundation

that’s blocking up your heart
from My love and
forgiveness

You’ve got to trust Me enough
to hold you
together

—C—

(Upper octave)
Run to Me
when you've fallen to your knees
run to Me
I’m your Savior and High Priest
run to Me
let Me hold you in my arms and give you peace…
run to Me

—B—

(Shifts back down to first octave)
Run away from temptation
run to Me
I’ve been praying forever
that you’ll run to Me
I love you so dearly
so much more than you think
run to Me
run to Me…

—C—

(shifts up key)
Run to Me
when you've fallen to your knees
run to Me
I’m your Savior and High Priest
run to Me
let Me hold you in my arms and give you peace…
run to Me

—E—

Let me hold you in my arms and give you everlasting neverending peace…

run to me.

Take Me Far Away

I wrote this one a LONG time ago. but it's one of my favorites.

however, don't ask me what it means, because i have no idea.

Stumbling
On my way
Home from
Another day

Don’t have anything
To look forward too
Just another day tomorrow

Wondering
what I’ll see
Dreaming of
who I’ll be

But everything
I see today
Is the same as yesterday

Where are You
When will You come home
Will You take me with You
To a place where I belong
And I’m not satisfied
With mediocrity each day
I want You to come back
And take me far away

All and nothing
all the time
walking on
a borderline

between the banks
of sanity
and something frightening

All I want
Is you here
To wake me up
So I can think clear

Changing Changes
Never change they just
leave me
behind

Where are You
When will You come home
Will You take me with You
To a place where I belong
And I’m not satisfied
With mediocrity each day
I want You to come back
And take me far away

Yesterday.

Here's what I did yesterday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…

get it?

NOTHING.

no seriously, nothing.

ok, so i did do some stuff.

i woke up at 9-ish, got to the dining hall by 9:30. i ate breakfast and stayed there until lunch doing homework, and ate lunch there too. now, as you know, i don't eat a whole lot. i eat about half as much food in two meals as a normal person eats in one. so i figured i wasn't cheating.

then i went back to my dorm. i dropped off my notes and went to the library and tried to write for a while.

failed miserably.

i just… wasn't inspired.

which is annoying because i've been inspired ALL WEEK and now i can't write ANYTHING.

gah.

so. anyway.

after that, i went back to my room and moped around for a while, then went back to the dining hall and… watched youtube videos. for like… idk, an hour or so. then i called my friend <3 <3 and talked to her for a while. that was fun.

then i went back to my room and went to bed.

that was it :)

today i'm going to finish my homework and just kinda chillax a little. Jace isn't on campus (he neglected to tell me he was leaving, and he hadn't texted me back, which sorta scared me because i was worried he was in a ditch somewhere but it turns out he's fine thank God *gasp for air* sigh. i'm ok now) and i still can't write. none of my books are lining up.

i hate weekends. i kinda love the school week. but i hate weekends.

<3

yyyeeeeaaaaaahhhhh

back to that t-shirt… it doesn't really apply, but today, ironically, i wore it, and it feels like it does.

or maybe i just hate myself.

idk.

first of all, i'm thinking i have the wrong Brant. his personality is just not lining up, his major isn't right, his age doesn't seem right… sigh.

i could be wrong.

or i could be right.

i'm just going to wait it out and see what happens there. but i feel like i've turned into a detective instead of an investigator. mission isn't solved, nor is it anywhere closer to being done. it's just changed.

today—this is funny—was another debate in ethics class. they debated if online game addictions was the  fault of the manufacturers. Personally, i think it's the individual's problem.

so.

they all had good arguments, there were some good speakers and some bad speakers, and they all finished pretty well. then they sat down for the entire class to vote on their own personal convictions of the topic.

and the best part of the day: "Who thinks that manufacturers are morally responsible for the addiction of the gamers?"

*crickets, no hands go up*

*everyone looks around*

*everyone bursts out laughing.*

"who doesn't have an opinion?"

*two hands*

"who thinks it's the gamer's problem?"

*everyone—minus two—puts their hands up.*

my teacher wrote "lots" for the answer.

it was hilarious.

and as far as Jace…

well.

stumbled across him in the dining hall. we talked for a while, which was fun. of course he's pretty much always fun to talk to. he mentioned missions trips with his church a few times.

that sorta surprised me. honestly i don't know if i'm more concerned or relieved. there's a chance he knows the truth—not the watered down truth, the real truth. but i'm not going to bank on that. instead, i'm going to look for evidences in his life.

of course, it took me a week and a half to establish this much, so i'm thinking the evidence is right there. i'm just going to keep praying that i get a chance to witness to him and that God softens his heart.

i'm going to see a show tonight with a friend from church :) i'm pretty excited about that. it's like an irish family of singers or something… idk. but i ADORE irish music.

i am also gonna sign up for the 5K run—and yes i'm getting a t-shirt—not only because my cjs teacher is giving extra credit, but because i want to do it.

it'll require me to master taping my knee again, though.

it's been so long since i've done it, that i've nearly forgotten. it's a little off centre right now. but i'll get it with practice. of course i only re-tape it once a week, since that's how long the tape lasts.

whatever.

i got my split back!!!! not nearly the full split i had when i was dancing, but it's something.

and i'm working on some awesome knitting projects.

so there you go.

i got a 100% on my cjs test :D :D so excited. now i just have to pass my other classes.

aaaaaand i just ate my last pop-tart. so i'm gonna have to get some more.

idk if i'm anywhere near my supposed weight or not, because the scale at the gym still says i'm 120 soaking wet with shoes on. and there's just no way that's right.

even though i have been back to salad and granola every day for lunch and dinner.

whatever.

i'm going to go to starbucks and study. then to the gym. then shower and come back here and then meet my friend and go listen to awesome irish music.

and pray hard for Jace whenever i remember to. please join me on that one.

<3

Hey... I can blog from my phone :P

…anyone out there?

yes, i do actually like getting comments.

just sayin'.

in the library… i think i'll take a nap. *yawwwwwnnnnn*

<3

My day was just a little awesome. Well maybe more than a little.

So here's the rundown.

Woke up this morning with enough time to get breakfast from Chick-Fil-A and get to class. we talked about federal agencies and how to get hired, and what it takes to get hired by the FBI and stuff like that. it was cool.

then i went to my debate. see, the debate was very unorganized for three reasons:

1. we had one day to meet because our schedules clashed like all git-out.
2. the one guy in our team forgot, so there was just two of us
3. we were the "con" side, so we didn't know specifically what we were going to say until the other team said their parts.

so when i got to my part, i litterally just said the first things that came to my mind. which i kinda sucked at. but i was the only one who used all three minutes, and spoke clearly, and looked at the audience. so i hope i get a decent grade.

anyway.

after that, BCM had free hug day.

now any of you who know me know that i am not a touchy-feely kind of gal. but i do give wicked good hugs. so i stood there in the sun in jeans and hugged TONS of people for two and a half hours.

it was awesome.

and the best part is, we got in a line in front of the University Center, and we just asked everyone if they wanted hugs. and i was in a line of like… five guys. and then me. and all the guys said they gave better hugs than i did, but i knew they were just saying that because they wanted to argue with me. because for some reason, most guys think i'm cute.

whatever.

so we had people vote and they picked me as the best hugger. and sometimes they'd say something like "oh you saved the best for last!" and one guy wouldn't hug anyone but he gave up when i offered.

yeah. i guess being cute ain't that bad. i can get almost any guy to hug me just by smiling and opening my arms.

hehe.

yeah. i gave a lot of people hugs. i gave the guy from my hometown a hug, and the girl from my class a hug, and Jace got a hug, and Brant got a hug. and i am the best hugger ever.

yes i am. :P

so after that, i went to the dining hall and ate crappy salad and soggy granola. then i went back to my room. and i was exhausted. so i took a nap ( ew… i was all sweaty and whatever.) and slept for 'bout an hour and a half. then i woke up about 5pm. and i was like "dangit… cjs running club at 530… i'm tired…" but i hauled my lazy @$$ out of bed and got dressed aaaaaandddd then it started raining and there was a thunderstorm outside. it was BEAUTIFUL and smelled sooo goood. I LOVE mountain thunderstorms because they're not humid. they're just awesome.

so i went to the inside gym instead of going to cjs club. idk how many miles i ran… probably two-ish. maybe. idk.

guess who was at the gym? Jace! so we talked for a while, which was fun, because we always end up talking about highly educated things like poetry and shakespeare and stuff. because we're awesome college students.

then i finished working out and took a niiiice looong shower, went back to the dining hall and ate more crappy food (pizza bagels and chicken nuggets. and more soggy granola. can you guess my main entree right now?)

then i went to starbucks and finished my homework and got about an inch of my friend's christmas present done.

now i'm gonna go to bed cuz i have an 8am class.

God is good.

<3

fail

I've just been a bit of a fail lately. so i'll warn you now, this post will be a little depressing.

on the bright side, i'm in a great mood.

so. first of all, "talk and dress like a pirate day" didn't end up happening. nobody came. so i think Derek is going to reschedule it. i hope he does, anyway. i want a chance to wear my awesome clothes :)

second, at first i was almost sure Brant was the same Brant that i thought he was. but i talked to him yesterday and i'm just not sure. i'm going to find out, though. i'm good with detective work... at least i better be if i'm going to work for a federal agency eventually, which is what i'd like to do. at least i think i'd like to. who knows.

i have a stupid debate coming up in about an hour, and i'm just not very good at debates or talking. nor is my topic very good.

but whatever.

and there's a few other minor fails. one of them is that Jace likes me (which i expected but tried to deter) and another one of Derek's friends likes me even more (and it's just a little creepy, because he's muslim and kinda odd. whatever).

and then there's my book. for the sake of identity, i won't tell you the name of my character or the book, but yesterday i realized i did something so wrong up in the beginning that everything is off. so i'm back at word 20,000 instead of 45,000.

whatever. i'll get through it and i'll do it well. because that story is very important for me to tell.

i think i'll work on it this weekend.

Jace is a writer working on a 15-book series, too. maybe we'll hang out this weekend and just... write.

sigh.

I like this one

the template. it's simple, but cool. i like the pirate picture... if i get a good pic of me this sunday i'll replace it and edit it and such, maybe put one up there.

without my face of course.

so. i have a test on monday. i'm trying to study for it, but i am a little restless. i have running club at 530 and game night at BCM (baptist campus ministry--hey i remembered it!!) where i hope i can clear my concence for the first time in several months.

hope. i might be totally wrong. in which case, the search continues.

but right now as i'm sitting here looking at the problems with self reported crime data... my legs are twitching and my body is saying "WORK ME!!"

or maybe i just hate studying.

my knee tape came in the mail today... my knee feels so good that i'm now beginning to notice the pain in the other one.

thismuch closer to a clearer conscience

Well. Today i went to the student-baptist-church-type-thing and immediately—as in the first person i had a conversation with—i found him. Let's call him Brant, because that's a good name.

at least i'm pretty sure it's him.

same name, same basic physical traits, but it was so long ago that i don't really remember what he looked like. i didn't have time to actually have the conversation i'd wanted to have (for the past five or six months) but i'm going back, and i'm going to find out for sure.

because if it's one thing that's bugging me, it's that.

actually it killed me to leave tonight without talking to him. but i know where to find him now so i'll get another chance. a little bit of stress has come off my shoulders finally finding one more puzzle piece.

but then again, i'm remembering that i have to get one more thing off my shoulders.

<3

In honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day

which is Sunday.

I have changed my layout to pirate themed. because i can.

argh!!!

Well that was interesting

Well, it wasn't really a date. for that I'm glad, because honestly i didn't want to go on one.

without giving anything ridiculous away, there was a fire drill, he wasn't able to meet me because they don't let the students leave during them (they have to stay outside the burning building. that makes a lot of sense… w/e.) so i went to where he was, and we hang out with a few of his friends. then he had something that needed to be taken care of, so i hung out with his friends for a while, and then we all met up again and talked for an hour and a half.

it was fun, and i enjoyed it. i got to know him better and that was all i wanted in the first place. he's a cool guy.

but he really needs the Lord.

I'm praying that i get a chance to witness to him and his friends, and i hope you guys will too, because it would be greatly appreciated.

tonight i'm going to the student-church-baptist-type-thing (i don't remember what it stands for) and i'm hoping i can find a christian friend to fellowship with. i've been praying that i find one, because even though i understand that my job is to be in the world with the unsaved, it takes a toll on your mood.

especially when you're on your period.

which did eventually come, btw. so no fears, i'm still healthy and heavy enough to have one. though idk what'll happen to my weight, since i found out today that i can run 2.5 miles. and if i can get my Achilles tendon stretched out to the point that it doesn't cramp up on me, then i'll certainly be able to run more. because it wasn't my side or my legs that was tired, it was my right ankle tendon.

suck it up, big girl, as my ballet teacher would have said.

my own personal motto: if it doesn't hurt, work harder. if it hurts, work harder more often.

so i'm going running tomorrow, too.

the problem with gaining weight is that you have to eat more food and more snacks. but that means you have to buy more food and snacks. i really hope i don't run out of money…

Well…idk if that was unexpected or not

does that make any sense? because see, it's normal for guys to be interested in me. and i came to college expecting it. yet it's always unexpected when it happens.

so a few days ago i met a group of cool people who decided i was ok enough to hang out with. and so we started hanging out. i'm praying that i get a chance to witness to them. somehow through the course of the night, one of the guys—we'll call him Derek—got my phone number (i don't remember how that happened but whatever) and we decided to hang out another time.

so then yesterday Derek introduced me to one of his friends. we can call his friend Jace, because he reminds me a little of a book character named Jace. (Ever read The Mortal Instruments?…good series!! some stuff I don't like, but the good outweighs the bad for me.) Derek told me to text him something and handed me the phone number, so i thought ok, what else could i do? so i texted him. don't really remember what it was about. anyway we talked a little bit and this morning he asked if we could hang out some time.

and i was like "crap. what am i supposed to say?"

so i called my dad.

he helped me figure out what to do and how to look at this correctly. basically, if he wants to be friends with me, i'm all for it—he's funny and nice and cool. but that's about all it can ever be, because he's also very lost. and i'm all for being friends, because i'll probably get a chance to share the gospel with him.

but i'll also have to keep my head on straight.

then again, this is me we're talking about here. i don't think i'll have too much of a problem with that.

so, dear followers, of whom there are only like…three…pray for me, that i have the boldness to witness to my friends.

and also pray that i find some more Christian friends. because honestly, i do need some regular christian fellowship. it is true i need to be spending my time in the world: why do i hang out with lost people? that's like asking Jesus why he chilled with tax collectors and prostitutes. they were the ones who needed His love. But he also had His disciples.

anyway. i know God works this stuff out.

<3

screw it.

i went running. felt pretty good. did some pt.

at the library now...drinking hot chocolate.

tomorrow will be better.

WARNING: PMS!

over friendly people annoy me.

Ya know, sometimes i just want to sit and wallow in misery. And then some friendly person is like 'can i do anything for you' and how do you say 'no i'm just being stupid on purpose, ignore me.'

you can't, really.

and then they go and give you a free starbucks drink.

ok so maybe the starbucks guy ain't so bad after all. i was gonna get a hot cocoa at the library, but luckily i checked and they don't open until six. i would have walked all the way there and then seen the hours. and if that were the case, i probably would have started crying right then and there.

so he gave me a coffee and i forced him a few smiles. i managed to leave before i cried. have managed to keep it in thus far... well, save church service. i cried this morning. but that had nothing to do with pms.

so then i went and sat under a tree in the sun and the breeze. it was SOOOO NIIIIICE. except the sun was fading and kept sloooowwwwwlllyyy disappearing off of me and i kept having to move. by the time it was all gone i had a wet butt (it rained ALL DAY yesterday). now, i'm feeling the effects of the caffiene. granted i dind't drink all the caramel apple spice latte, but i drank enough of it for that yucky clogged feeling to come to my body. still, i didn't want to say 'sorry, i don't drink caffinated drinks.' when he made me a free coffee. i'm mean, but i'm not disrespectful or rude.

well, not most of the time anyway.

i can't decide if i want to go eat panda express leftovers in my room, or get fresh food from the dining hall, or go back to starbucks and get coffee cake, or go to the library and get hot chocolate, or go back to my dorm and work on my book, or--God forbid--study (actually studying aint so bad), or go for a run...

honestly i want to go for a run. but i've run so much lately that my knee is hurting like CRAZY.(old injury). i actually had to order keniseo text tape (which is kinda pricey) because it hurt so bad.

yes i got the waterproof kind. it lasts longer.

when my mom finds out she'll be mad at me though, because i'm allergic to the glue, and it makes little red dots show upon my knee, and then they turn into scars when i rip the tape off, then i put more on (get it? moron? that's me) and get an infection. then i have to stop using it and clean my knee with rubbing alcohol (ever put rubbing alcohol on an open wound? hurts like #$%^. honestly. moron.) and not use it for a few days, which means it'll hurt from running, and i'll never get better until i quit.

running, that is. i already quit dance.

and she'll be mad because that happened while i was dancing. she made me stop using the waterproof kind.

and i can't stop running, i like it too much.

the thing about running is...you get into a quiet place. how do you get into a quiet place when you're breathing hard, and sweating, and hearing the slap slap slap slap of your shoes and the gasp, push, gasp, push of your breathing? well... see it's like this.

when i danced, i had an interior monologue. that means i heard things--my own inner voice--telling me stuff while i danced: 'lift higher. breathe the music, feel it in your blood. float. become the character.' when i was in character, i had the thoughts the charcter would have: 'oh here, let me fix your bow. God give me a chance to fly, don't let me die please... etc.'

and when i'm sitting in one place staring at a wall (i do that quite often, actually) i hear stuff. voices.

yes i do.

what, you didn't read my diary of the depressed blog? the old one?...no?...good. it was horrible. i did stupid things when i was a kid.

moron.

and besides voices, i hear my characters. 'hey, btw, my husband dies in the sixth book. the guy needs to let up on girl for a while. she thinks her soulmate is trying to kill her. he is the bad guy, not him.'

just random stuff.

and then of course my main interior monologue is the character who stars in her own series (i won't put it up here...just in case.) and she is SO FREAKING OBNOXIOUS. at home, she'd say something and i'd laugh, and my brother would think i was laughing at him. or the like.

but not when i run.

when i run, i don't think about anything. there isn't any music (when i'm running outside). i'm not my characters, i'm not in a fantasy, i'm not thinking. i'm just me, i'm just existing in the presence, and i'm sweating my ass off. and i like it that way.

so i'm not quitting, no matter what happens to my knee. taping and alergies and dislocated kneecaps are worth it. just for a little bit of flipping silence.

this post is turning out longer than i planned.

i feel nasty too. like i'm craving oily food, but i know it won't make this sickish feeling go away. of course i'm also craving chocolate, but imma wait until the caffiene fades before getting anything tasty-ish to drink.

why is it that, when we're depressed, the worst think you can do is sit, and eat...and those are the things we do?

people are stupid

morons.

in summary, the bad side of PMS is that i feel like freaking shit. the good side is that i'm still heavy enough to have a period. because i am underweight. i fluctuate between 117-120. i'm five foot eight. that's just not good.

the whole no friends thing ain't helping my mood either. yeah i've got a few gals up here tht i know, that i like to hang out with. but nobody i would seek out time to spend with. nobody has clicked with me like that yet.

so i'm alone, sick, tired, caffinated, bored, and insanely lonely, i can't go running because i've run like...eight or ten days in a row now, and my body needs a break so i don't die, and my closest friends are five hours away.

and of course, my body is telling me i should be married with three kids by now. honestly...if i had to chose between college and a husband, i'd pick the latter.

be joyful! rejoice! be glad!

shut up.

the thing i've found about depression is that anyone depressed could get out of it if they tried hard enough. but when yuo're in a pit, you don't honestly believe it's worth the effort.

Second Chances

So that guy that I knew back in my hometown who ended up here as well? I got another chance to witness to him today. we had lunch together and talked about God and the church and religion for the entire hour and a half.

 

good stuff

 

im just gonna keep praying for him. please pray for him too.

 

<3

Always when you least expect it

I love how God works with the unexpected. Like yesterday, i was not expecting to meet a cool Christian guy in the coffee shop and talk about being a missionary and being radical on campus. which, i have to say, talking to someone who was on fire for Christ like that…it really made my day. well, it was like 10pm, so it made my night. and made today better, too. he was really cool and friendly and just nice. He had a tattoo all up one arm. so yeah. that conversation was unexpected. good side, it was a breath of fresh air to meet another Christian who viewed Jesus as the most important thing in the universe. downside, never got his name.

 

oh well. "In the Lord I put my trust."

and how today when i left my room, i forgot a pen. you can't take notes without a pen. well, i could have used my computer, but my teacher prefers us to use paper. so she gave me a pen that she found on the desk randomly. but then for my other class, i randomly found a pencil on the ground. yay! i didn't have to buy one or steal one… not that i would or anything. just sayin'.

 

and it was just today, as i sat there eating my chick-fil-a for breakfast, that i realized that i would probably run out of money by the end of the year. and i went to the mail room (where i found the pencil) and i opened my mail box…and found a check for one thousand, eight hundred, and fifty-six dollars.

 

that's a lot of money.

 

i think it's my financial aid rebate check (the aid i was awarded but never used the credit for) and it'll either pay down my loans over the summer, or pay for food for the next two years.

well, maybe a year and a half.

 

but still.

 

i love how God works like that. especially when i found that pencil. i was like "thanks, Jesus. you've got it covered, don't you?"

 

that was one of the things that Tattoo said: all you need, literally, is Him. you don't need ANYTHING else.

 

Also, today in class, my cjs teacher mentioned how the school has this research program for students. i asked about it, and she said we could work on it together. i would do research and write things, and try to get them published. and if i could get them published this early in my career… well. she said i could do just about anything.

 

and i'd get chances to go on vacations for free to cjs conferences. that would be SO COOL. and it's also a witnessing opportunity. Wherever i go it's a witnessing opportunity… that's one of the things i've been reading about.

 

last night before i went to sleep, i read some of Acts. Acts is a cool book. there's lots of miracles in there…it's just cool. so is Romans. it's kinda depressing, but also awesome.

and so is Ephesians. well, and Philippians.

 

wait, how can you pick a favorite?

 

i've had a good morning. the only slightly depressing aspects of my life right now are these:

1. try as i might, the scale in the gym always says i'm 119 or 120. i can't seem to get it back up to a normal weight. my friend out here is a nutrition and diet major, and she was like…"yeah…you're fifteen pounds underweight at least." sigh. imma try pop-tarts. those always seem to do the freshman in, don't they?
2. my period should have come seven days ago. granted i've never in my life been regular, but it's usually somewhere around the first-ish week of the month. i know (or doubt) it has anything to do with my weight…i'm not that skinny. i mean, i am an A cup now (stupid boobs) and my jeans keep falling down… but i'm not that skinny…right?? :(
3. i've been getting horrible cramps whenever i run. but. i talked to my teacher today, and she said it's because i'm eating too soon before i run. so today imma try to run on an empty stomach. of course that'll mean i miss dinner, and that'll mean my metabolism will run for two hours after that, meaning i'll be hungry at 11:pm, and i'll wake up three pounds lighter than i went to sleep. or something ridiculous like that.

so there ya go.

<3

Vacation is over, i'm ready for school now...

So the visit to the fam was nice. Ready to go home, though.

back to school, that is.

have to do this weird assignment for my science class, and i don't really understand it. hope i get an explanation before it's late...otherwise i'm screwed.

and i have a tour tomorrow for a book i haven't read. imma try to read as much as i can, and then post the review a few days later or something.

anyway.

i got some chocolate today, too :D AND omg a new bikini. they were on sale at target, and i got a really pretty floral one and a little swim dress to go with it. i'm technically not allowed to wear bikinis, but if i wear a shirt or something with them, its ok.

which is good, because that's the only thing that fits. my boobs are a small, my waist is an extra small, my butt is an extra large, and my torso is a long. what one piece or tankini fits that?

nothing!

so bikini with a swim dress or shirt it is.

so. tomorrow im gonna meet my ride at the beach, and the family and i are gonna swim for a while, then we'll leave. YAY! for going home to college.

i miss college.

my criminal justice teacher's birthday is on monday. i'm making her a starwars scarf (because she likes starwars) and giving her a cool card that sings the starwars song. and some starwars pens. because i'm awesome like that. and every cjs teacher who runs ten miles at five in the morning needs a chewbacca scarf...right?

riiiight.

<3

ok… i can admit to that

yeah, i don't like watching all those "happy couples" around campus. i don't like watching a guy and a girl walk with their arms around each other smiling like fools on their way to the dining hall. i don't like watching a guy sneak up behind a girl and hug her and kiss her. it bugs me.

 

is it jealously? idk. probably. well ok yeah maybe. truth be told, my body is telling me i should be married right now. i want a husband and kids.

 

but i also want to get through college without guy problems.

 

ironically, it was voldey who disagreed with me on something i held for a long time: don't get married in college. it's what i've been told for years. don't marry in college, don't marry right out of college.

 

but he disagreed, saying if you know you're going to marry someone, marry them right away. it keeps you focused.

 

yeah, that makes sense. but i haven't found a husband yet.

 

and sometimes i just have this horrible feeling like if i don't get a hug soon, i'm just going to fall apart.

 

no it's not college that brought this on.

 

maybe i just feel worse tonight than normal. it seems like everyone around me has someone special to cling to. and the only relationship i have ever had is with my cat.

 

and he doens't count.

 

<-3

yay!!!

I got a ride home for this weekend!!! WOOT! so excited. gonna visit my family :)

 

so today in class, the guy beside me said something about Jesus not being real. I swear i almost broke the desk.  made me so mad. it was like ice in the pit of my stomach. ever felt that?

 

And i thought, "wouldn't it be cool if Jesus appeared in class, right now?"

 

then i thought "Yeah, but we'd all die. idk if i want that to happen."

 

today i'm bringing my laptop with me to the gym. i'm going to dance a little… it's hard to dance with no music, and it's harder to dance with an mp3 player stuck on your arm. so laptop it is. I miss dance and i love it. it makes me feel lie i'm flying. i mean, what other thing can you do to get that feeling? there isn't anything. there's nothing to compare it to…

 

i also got a box today… my mommy mailed me a loaf of bread. yay!!

 

aaaand that's all i can think of for now. i got an ARC in the mail of The Infernal Devices book 1, Clockwork Angel. I might start reading that.

 

sigh.

 

i miss coffee. already. it's been one and a half days without it… i can do this. i know i can.

 

but i still miss the taste.

 

i have yet to find him… I really have been looking everywhere. I look in the dining hall. i looked at church. granted it's only been two weeks, but still. it's kinda annoying… and i don't want to just ask around. that would be weird. if i ever get the chance, i'm going to take it. but still… idk. it's annoying. he's still on my mind, almost every day.

 

and for the record, voldey is still in my head too. i don't think he'll ever leave. one of these days i'll forget about him.

 

maybe i'll move far far away.

 

or maybe i'll get the chance to smack him in the face. reallly. really. hard.

 

<3

No i don't really have anything to say

so why am I blogging?

1. because i have nothing better to do.
2. because i have a meeting at eight and it's already five and i don't want to hike up a hill twice more today
3. because my roommate doesn't like to talk
4. because i'm tired of studying aquafilters
5. because i don't feel like reading or knitting, i just feel like being stupid
6. because i know if i leave my dorm, the first thing i'll do is get a caramel macciatto, and the last thing i need right now is caffiene.
7. because i want to call my parents but i don't want to talk to them. makes perfect sense, right?

 

riiight

 

today after studying various types of crime—remind me to get back to that… thanks—i went and suffered through ethics class.

 

i am really beginning to dislike that class.

 

we've studied the same thing for like, three weeks now. and my teacher… it's like he's trying to teach us reading comprehension. i mean, yes, the writing that we're studying is a little old. but it's not that complicated, right? so why is he talking to us like eight-graders and trying to teach us note-taking in a computer science course?

 

gah.

 

so back to CJS.

 

i mentioned earlier that i loved my teacher. she's the cool one who can get away with calling a criminal a bastard because it fits into context and doesn't really sound like a curse… it just sounds like yes, a guy who stores alcohol in a baby bottle and lets the kid drink it all and die is definitely a bastard.

 

not that i'd ever say that outloud. there are just some words that feel like fire coming out of my mouth.

 

unlike one of my friends here, whose favorite word starts with an F… i bet you know what that one is. which, funny story, i took classes with him back in my home town. we saw each other at orientation—creepy much—and we talked for like, two hours today. spread out over time, but still. he's funny and he's got some stories to tell, but they're still pretty littered with language. i feel like i have to scrub my brain out after talking to him, even though he's kinda fun to talk to.

 

but i'd never tell him that to his face. it's just kinda mean. i'm mean, but i'm not that mean.

 

nor am i mean enough to give him the wrong phone number on purpose. which he thought i did. but we cleared that up.

 

so—again—back to CJS. did you know that the three main characteristics of a serial killer are

1. torturing small animals
2. violence/murder
3. lighting things on fire.

did i mention that my brother is a pyromaniac-wanna-be?

she told me that and i was like……"Oh…my…lollipop."

 

naw. my bro would never be a serial killer. nor would he torture puppies. or kitties.

 

well… idk about kitties. he does love to chase our cats.

 

anyway.

 

next semester… i think i want to take six courses, and three of them with my awesome cjs teacher. maybe.

 

in fact, i almost don't want to go home over the summer, because she's teaching a serial killer class june 1-july 31 (summer term.)

 

i wonder how much convincing it would take my parents to let me do the summer term…

 

her birthday is september 7th. i think i'm gong to knit her something. i don't have wrapping paper and i don't have birthday cards, and i don't have money to buy her a book or a crime-dvd, but i do have yarn. and lots of  it. and every cjs teacher needs a handknit scarf to keep her warm when she runs every morning at 5am…right?

 

riiight.

 

imma go to the library and knit for a while.

 

thank you, blogger, for letting me blog on you, and thank you loyal readers (all four of you) for reading my nothingnesses.

 

is that a word?

 

idk. i'll get lannie to add it to our list of "words that are words because we say they are words."

 

*tells herself to get offline*

 

<3