Button

Because this is the image and template that fits perfectly, and is my "soul-template."

pretty.

Here's the html:

<p><a href="http://freakishdiary.blogspot.com"><img
style="WIDTH: 208px; HEIGHT: 315px" border=0 hspace=0 src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmp4AK0XtfdF-EeKcWIvbE0PoqIzFP_utc457-ISTDdYMhsjq6-t7fdAsIY5QMMnU7k4Jkkna1YDniEj3UrkFZvr9uOpqZRPEks0ey6Yuv1YskYb13_vSurAuIz7_srPqL6cJYn4gZPiE/?imgmax=800" width=410
height=667></a></p>

Just copy and paste the whole thing in a html widget.

And!

I changed my template. I like it. it's pretty. and freakish, which fits the title, no?

I did steal the image, but I said who I stole it from and that I edited it in my footer. so it's legal.

right?

maybe.

who reads this thing, anyway? what are people gonna do, charge me? pfsh.

I'm not random or anything…

boy oh boy oh boy

well, if staying up until 1am talking to a boy on the phone is on my bucket list, I can check that one off.

and I only left because my phone was dying. (mutters to herself about her stupid phone battery).

this is so surreal. I only know him because I posted a request for text messages and my phone number on my facebook status one day while I was bored. we've never even met each other. my mom was so surprised when she found that out.

I wrote him a really long letter today… almost 2000 words saying a lot of stuff I have trouble saying out loud. for those of you who know me, you know I have a hard time talking.

he said he was going to talk to my dad when he comes up. (which won't be this weekend because something came up.)

going to go to the library and knit mittens today. I want to make mittens to sell at my dad's shop over the school year so I can make some money back home.

that was a desperate attempt to get off the subject. it didn't work very well…

today at the coffee shop I ordered a peppermint hot chocolate over ice, and I think they gave me an iced coffee with peppermint in it. but I dind't have time to wait for them to re-make it because I was very nearly late for work because I was talking to mom about John…

sigh. subject changes aren't working.

anyway I saw one of my friends, my awesome librarian-local actor-facebook buddy while I was there and she basically said she has a spot for me in a play. we'll see what happens there.

okay. I'm going to go fold laundry.

random.

Woke up this morning at 3:50. My poor internal clock is so confused. I went to bed really early last night because John couldn't call me. (pathetic much?)

Ran a mile and a half today. Trying for two by friday. Unless my knees give out...

John might visit this weekend.

o.0

bother.

I apologize if this post shows up four times… blogger mobile isn't working right now for some reason…

We had a pretty intense conversation last night, and it doesn't belong online. I did, however, somehow find the strength and guts to something I've never done before: I asked.

I tend to stay quiet and not talk a lot during serious conversations, I just listen and decide my own opinion and voice them when I have the chance. but I did encourage him last night. and when he said he wanted to be friends, somehow I asked. and it was intimidating, and hard, but I did it. he answered well, considering the awkward place I put him in. at least he's being honest with me.

at least I hope he's being honest. I would be able to tell if I were face to face.

then again, I probably would have kept my mouth shut if we were face to face.

thing is, I asked, "tell me right now if that's it." and he sort of laughed. he explained further. but I had to know, because guys have shown interest in me before and then all of a sudden they back off and pull the friend card because I'm too annoying or too serious or too intense. so I asked. he's serious. and he doesn't date to date: he dates to marry.

he says he's going slow.

I shudder to know his definition of fast…

it'll work out, Em. I'm trying to leave it in God's hands. He said the same thing in his explanation.

Those of you who read my rambling and complaining and drama, please pray for us, that we go slow, stay wise, and do only what He wishes.

*smashes head against wall*

see, now I don't know what to do. John called me again last night. let's just say he seems to be able to see right through me. I've never felt so exposed in my life. and I've never even looked him in the eye. He's visiting my hometown next weekend and he wants to take me out. I've never been this nervous about meeting anyone.

I did find out what "dirt" he had on me though, and it's not as bad as I thought. my girlfriend who gossiped about me (it's okay I forgive you darling) told him I sleep with a huge teddy bear (which is true, no laughing) and that I have a secret blog. he was pretty interested in said blog (which is this one in case you haven't figured it out for some reason). I told him yes I have one and that's all I'm going to tell you about it. he says he's going to find out where to find it by interrogating my friends. NOBODY TELL HIM OR I'LL KILL YOU.

she also told him I'm allergic to chocolate, also true, but I purposefully didn't tell him I was allergic to chocolate, because I knew he was the kind of guy who would bring me chocolate!

but there's a catch. I'm only allergic to the poor quality stuff like Dove or Hershey's. whatever. he knows I can eat Lindor truffles without coughing and tearing up. so there's still hope.

also: he wants to take me ballroom dancing. I about died when he told me that.

yeah. this is getting really hard. I'm trying not to freak out and back off but I'm afraid I might. he's a guy who looks for serious commitment and if I did back off he'd do the same.

But I'm trying not to hand my heart over on a silver platter. because some boys will just crush it without thinking. they have no idea how fragile it is. I doubt he'd do that, but still.

and I'm trying to remember that God's already got the whole thing figured out and He knows my story. I have to read one page at a time. I desperately want to skip to the end to see if it turns out okay but I don't have that option. So I'll just have to hold true to myself and my standards and my faith and trust that it'll work out.

so here's the thing

my life just got more complicated. not seriously complicated, but just a little. it's all John's fault.

first: he's cute. why does he have to be cute? I mean, his Facebook picture must be outdated or something because he reminded me of one of those guys who definitely has potential to be cute but hasn't quite grown into his good looks yet. but no, yesterday he was teasing me (he said he was either 6'1" or 250lbs and I had to guess which one was true. the imp. I told him I didn't think either was true because the time before that, all three things had been true) and he sent me a picture of himself to prove his point. and he's freaking cute. that makes my life so much more complicated. here I was thinking I could make a friend without letting my stupid feelings get in the way. of course he just HAD to be cute!

second: my mom found out I've been texting a nice, tall, cute, Christian boy who seems to like me a little. now she's like "oh yay! invite him over! you can cook his favorite meal! I want to meet him!" *facepalm* chill mom. let me get to know him first.

third: apparently one of my friends told him something about me and he says he has dirt on me now. I can't possibly think of what she said (I'm glaring at you!!! you know who you are!!!!) because there's really nothing out there that I've done that could really be considered blackmail. I mean, I pretended to marry my best friend when I was four, but I was four! and he's the one who is embarrassed about that story, not me. that's the only thing I can think of. so I'm clueless.

fourth: he now knows I have a secret blog. he doesn't know the name of it, so he won't be able to find it (unless he sneaks onto my computer and opens the correct blogging program and locates the appropriate account, but that requires passwords and time to figure out which of the icons on the desktop is the right one.) but he knows I have one. it's only a matter of time before SOMEONE gives it to him.

so, anyone who knows John or me or has any way of telling him anything, DON'T.

because that would make my life REALLY  complicated.

John. I think thats the name i gave him.

So here's the thing: he's been talking (texting) me for a week or so. He called me tonight. He seemed really interested in me, and by that i mean comfortably and friend wise, not sexually. (ok he did compliment my picture on facebook but that was it. and he claims i make him tongue tied.)
We talked for an hour and a half. He wants to call me tomorrow. I feel like i'm rushing into this. But we're just friends, right? So what am i rushing into?

Okay, i keep reading my list and thinking "yes...yes...probably...yeah...i think so..." and it's just a little intimidating.

Take it easy, em, and cool it.
I get worked up easy. We're nothing. Just friends. i hope that's what we are. At least, i think thats what i hope.

*Fish cackles*
Ears: Fish, you're not going to make it to princess-hood! All the princesses live in the hood thee days. *ears sings* yo i'm a princess and i live in the hood, and ive got a rap song...

I'm a criminal

stealing is illegal, right? well, I'm stealing internet from a random neighbor.

today mom and dad took us exploring. we ended up visiting a pottery studio and then going mini-golfing. I stayed in the arcade and took a nap while listening to THE HIGH KINGS and the family went outside and stood in the sun and hit balls into holes. whatever. I got to take a NAP and listen to BRIAN DUMPHREY. sigh.

also, sort of made a new friend. one of my Raleigh friends introduced me to him at one point. I added him on facebook and I posted on facebook something along the lines of "I'm bored, text me" and so he did. we've been talking ever since. idk how we've managed to be "friends" so long and not talk to each other or get to know each other. but sometimes it's best for some people to come into your life at certain times. God's got perfect timing.

anyway it was just funny because I am still attempting to get Jace out of my head (cndasofnvosadnovca) and I've been feeling very bored lately, and extremely lonely, and I prayed and asked God to send me a friend. I remember saying, "even a guy would be welcome at this point." (and you know how much I dislike guys)

enter John.

(We'll call him John anyway, just for the sake of it. I don't use anyone's real name on this thing anyway. Except Brad's because I never found out his last name and he isn't in my life right now anyway. and I don't really mention him anymore.)

but have no doubt, I think about him all the time.

More on John later. I need a shower. I spent the afternoon trying to avoid jellyfish at the beach.

<3

Wednesday

Woke up late (we stayed out last night and looked for sea turtles) and made blueberry pancakes. They were delicious. Then mom and Fish (second sistter) and i went to the same store i took sis to yeterday. I got a one piece swim suit thats modest and looks great. Fish got a skirt and mom got a swimsuit and a sundress. The clerk gave us discounts (which is good because i now have forty dollars to my name) and i went to the beach today and didnt feel naked. Which is always nice.

Working on two new novels and trying to develop a new series.

Day...whatever (tuesday).

Went to town with mom and visited a used book store. They have wi-fi!! And its free, unlike the wifi at the cafe downtown (she charges five bucks per half hour). So im going there thursday.

Took sis shopping. She got her first bikini!

Day 3:
Went to myrtle beach today. I wasn't impressed. Bit tourist trap, all the same crap, and by golly it was HOT.

I feel like myrtle beach should be more exciting than this... And i feel like a jerk for complaining about a week-long vacation at the beach.

Next summer, i'm doing a study abroad. I'm not coming back to my family's hometown. I'm going to paris to dance ballet, or ireland, or russia or something.

Or staying at school.

I need to stop complaining.

Day 2:
Went on a run at 5:30am, a walk with sis at 8, drove around the town, made cupcakes, took a nap, went on the beach and sat in the sand for a while and thought about mermaids (what? Future novel? No...) collected shells for a necklace, walked down to an ice cream parlour with my name as the store name (which was a surprisingly surreal experiance) and went home and am now laying in bed missing the stillness and the crispness of the mountains i call my home.

School is a perpetual vacation. I desperately want to go back.

Jace texted me yesterday. Told me we were both doing a very bad job of staying in touch. He wants me to write him a nice long email. I know i'll try to keep it shortt, but i might scare him off again...

I miss him. and his hugs.

Cupcakes.
My little sister's bday is tomorrow so i made cake today. But there were no cake pans, so i had to use the cupcake pans.

I hate decorating cupcakes.

And mom insisted i use her method of royal icing. Suffice to say, it wasn't a wise choice. She thinks the cupcakes turned out cute. I think they look attrocious.
Last time i used her method the same thing happened, only much worse.

I had this prom dress, and it had no straps, so i was going to sew on ribbon. Mom said to use strands of beads. Well... They broke three times through the night, once before i left the house. and that's not the only thing. But this phone only lets me text 5 pages.

I should really know by now to stick to my guns and do things my way.

Day 1 at the beachside vacation:

We got to the beach house around 12:45. We were on the beach by 3. I managed not to get burned because i put on lots of sunscreen and left before everyone else. Took a walk and three failed bike rides (first bike the tires had holes, second bike the tire had a lump, third bike was made for legs half my length) and went to bed early. Well, i got in bed and read my book for a while. I brought a lot of books with me... Six fiction and six non, for a seven day vacation.

Also: there's no internet here (well there is but the local cafe charges 5$ per half-hour) so you're more than welcome to leave comments but i wont get them until the 18th.

Things girls should know about guys

I'm sort of collecting these. Boys, if you have any to add, please leave a comment ;)

1. watching you smile is like the best thing in the world. especially if we made you smile.
2. you girls understand non-verbal stuff but we really don't. so please don't drop hints because we won't get them.
3. don't obsess about your body. we don't notice if you're a size three or a size seven.
4. girls… your dad scares me.
5. food is so important. beauty fades but good cooking only gets better. we're smart enough to know that.
6. don't wear immodest clothing and then get mad when we have trouble paying attention to your face.
7. we know when we're lost and we'll ask for directions. otherwise we know we can handle it. please don't bug us.
8. RESPECT.

Waiting
For a letter to send
Because
I've no money to spend
To be a member
At the YMCA
So i can keep dancing!

YMCA
Any day
Would be a good time
For that letter to come
So i can get to the gym
And go for a run

YMCA
Please come my way
my knees are so sore
And my kneecap is out
You can get it back in
Without doubt

Can you tell i'm bored and desperate? I'm going nuts. I wrote a freaking song!!

My Alphabet

A. Age: 19, turning 20 in November
B. Bed size: Twin right now, but extra long twin at school.
C. Chore that you hate: Cleaning with bleach. I have a really bad reaction to bleach. 
D. Dogs: needy, slobbery, demanding. I'd prefer a cat. 
E. Essential start to your day: Hot chocolate and my Bible study.  
F. Favorite color: Forest green. 
G. Gold or Silver: either <3
H. Height: when I'm just standing I'm about 5'7" but when I stand up straight and let my spine stretch like I do when I'm dancing, I'm 5'8.5"
I. Instruments you play: Recorder and Piano, both by ear.
J. Job title: Student, book reviewer, would-be-ballet teacher
K. Kids: Need a husband first ;)
L. Live: Little town in NC during the summer, and another little town 8 hours away from the first one during the school year.  
M. Mother's name: Michelle
N. Nicknames: "Hey you," "Princess," "Ballerina girl," etc. 
O. Overnight hospital stays: Zero.
P. Pet peeve: boys. (lol sorry.) No, mostly people who don't follow rules. and bad drivers. man do I hate bad drivers. 
Q. Quote from a movie: "when what's left of you gets around to what's left to be gotten, what's left to be gotten won't be worth getting, whatever it is you've got left." ~White Christmas
R. Right or left handed: Right
S. Siblings: three: two little sisters and a little brother (who might end up taller than me…)
T. Time you wake up: Well. See. At school I wake up at 5:30 M-F and whenever I feel like it S/S. At home. it depends on what I did last night, whether I have to work the next day, and whether mom is feeling strict or not. 
U. Underwear: what about it?
V. Vegetable you hate: Almost all of them. I'll eat peas, though…
W. What makes you run late: Other people. I'm usually early. 
X. X-Rays you've had: teeth, knee, stomach
Y. Yummy food that you make: cake. <3
Z. Zoo animal: I hate the zoo. Peacocks are cool though. But generally they don't have butterfly cages at the zoo…

If you do this, leave a comment so I can see yours :)

I'm remembering why i hate my home town. I HAVE NO FRIENDS HERE! I'm going nuts.

Also. I work for my ddad but the store is doing so poorly that he can't give me many hours. So it's looking like i'll be paid pennies this summer.

What color do you want your dinosaur to be?

that's not even a question. i mean it is but it's not valid. you're operating on the presuppositions that 1) dinosaurs are still alive [which may or may not be true], 2) i can get a dinosaur [which even if they were alive it would be expensive], 3)the dinosaur would cooperate [it would probably just eat me] and 4) i want a dinosaur [which, given the size of their teeth, tails, and poop, i may not want to put up with it.]

so the answer is, lavender.

Ask me anything