Jul 27, 2011
Jul 24, 2011
Jul 20, 2011
How often do you remember your dreams?
very rarely... only when I'm having a REM disorder, or when they're bad. or when I've gotten too much sleep and i fall back asleep and i'm lucid. but not often.
Jul 19, 2011
o.O
John might be visiting this weekend.
I really can't say anything other than I miss him like crazy (I know I've only actually met him once. But we've been good friends for a month now.) and he wants to talk to dad while he's up here.
really. I'm sort of excited and nervous at the same time. I miss him. but I'm also kind of terrified. I'll share a piece of a text convo between me and Victory:
Victory: "Girl…I just read the list. you're in trouble."
Em: "what list?"
Victory: "THE list."
Em: "Oh. yeah. THAT list. why am I in trouble?"
Victory: "because he IS the list!"
which is true. that's sort of intimidating. I mean, he even meets the requirements I wanted but didn't put on the list, like the color of his hair and eyes and how tall I wanted him to be and that little detail about being willing to wait for our first kiss until our wedding day (though I may have to settle for when I get an engagement ring because WOW coughchemistrycough. hm. ahem.).
so yeah.
teaching twelve children how to sew and bind books and knit and make jewelry this week. I'm losing my voice. sigh. I think I'll have to settle with three or four kids. maybe five. six max. if I ever hit seven, I'm hiring a nanny.
dumb dog.
our blue standard poodle is a puppy from hell.
I don't hat ehim, I just seriously dislike him. he eats sanitary pads out of the trash can and today he was chewing on paper towels. I can't figure out his morbid fascination with used paper.
I thought poodles were supposed to be smart… but he's retarded.
apparently he'll calm down after he gets fixed. he's got hormones pumping through is blood right now. we're hoping when certain organs are removed he calms down a little.
*mutters to herself* he's like a two-year-old and a nineteen-year-old boy at the same time!
Jul 15, 2011
Songs!!
Yes I did write songs a long time ago. I found most of the good ones today and I posted them here before I forgot. I actually have quite a few more but I have lost them on my computer somewhere… no worries. I can find ANYTHING.
(well almost anything.)
but some of them… it's just better for them to stay lost.
anyway that's what that's about. they're all old.
although I may be posting some poetry some time soon. We'll see.
He Is
One of my first songs. Another one I set to music and can still play on the piano. Mind you it's not very good but it's something…
He has loved us in our sin
Sent us the Way
We’re forgiven today
He is
He was divinely sent
Rejected an shamed
Sinfully slain
He is
He is
the Great Redeemer
the Spotless Lamb
the Chief Cornerstone
The Great I Am
He heals the blind,
the lame, the dumb
HE's our refuge of safety,
The Lord of love
He’s our Heavenly Father
The Prince of Peace
Jehovah, Creator,
our friend in our need,
He is
And He will gloriously reign
Return to us again
Conquer all sin
He is
And we will lift up our hands
Fall to our face
Praise His holy name
For…
He isthe Great Redeemer
the Spotless Lamb
the Chief Cornerstone
The Great I Am
He heals the blind,
the lame, the dumb
HE's our refuge of safety,
The Lord of love
He’s our Heavenly Father
The Prince of Peace
Jehovah, Creator,
our friend in our need,
He is
He is
He is.
Dead Man Walking
This song was inspired by Galatians 2:20, and my neon orange shirt that says "Dead Man Walking."
I like that shirt.
I’ve been crucified
I’m following the Master’s path
I’ve died to the world but
Somehow I’m alive
I don’t live like you
And I don’t live like me anymore
Christ lives in me
He keeps me alive
chorus:
*Dead Man Walking
I’m a ghost of what I used to be
It’s a death I’ve chosen
I’m tired of living alive*
He died for me
So I’ve died to follow Him
Because He loves me
His life has becomes mine
So in this body
I’ll stay put until it’s gone
And I’ll keep dying
Until the day I’m alive
(Chorus)
Straight out of Psalm 29: The Voice of the Lord
A song I wrote a few years ago.
(parenthesis are echoes)
Give unto the Lord
God almighty
To the Lord
Of Strength and Glory
The glory due His name
The voice of the Lord
Rests upon the waters
(the voice of the Lord)
The voice of the Lord
Breaketh the cedars
(the voice of the Lord)
And we cry to the Holy Lord
The Lord our God
Sitith upon the flood
Praise to our Loving God
Who’s Glory thundereth
The Glory due His name
The Voice of the Lord
Divides the flames of fire
(the voice of the Lord)
The voice of the Lord
Strips the forests bare
(the voice of the Lord)
And shaketh the wilderness
(and shaketh the wilderness)
And makes the dear give birth
(and makes the dear give birth)
And is full of Majesty
(and is full of majesty)
And shows His mighty Hand
(and shows His mighty hand)
And we cry to the Holy Lord
The Lord our God
Sits upon the throne
And He will rule
As King Forever more
Give Glory to His name
Give Glory to His name
And we cry to the Holy Lord
(the voice of the Lord…)
(the voice of the Lord…)
(the voice of the Lord…)
God Who Reigns
This is one of my early songs that I set to music on the piano. It's still one of my favorites to play! The second part of the chorus could use some work, but it's right out of scripture, kind of like The Voice of the Lord.
The morning dawns
Clouds are lit
Casting light around
Oceans turn
From grey to blue
Tides come in and out
The wonders of the earth testify Your power
You cause the sun to rise
Your power is shown before our eyes
For You make the lightning and the rain
You cause the winds to blow
All of my thoughts You know
You understand my every prayer
Righteousness and justice are the foundations of your throne
I will glorify the God who reigns
The waters of
The floods lift up
Their voices with their praise
The mountains melt
At Your commands
You are the God who reigns
The wonders of the earth testify Your power
You cause the sun to rise
Your power is shown before our eyes
For You make the lightning and the rain
You cause the winds to blow
All of my thoughts You know
You understand my every prayer
Righteousness and justice are the foundations of your throne
I will glorify the God who reigns
Key
another old song.
No one else knows
No one else understands
No one can hear the desperation calling out from my heart
The words have stayed
Locked up inside me
I didn’t plan to tell a soul from the start
But secret are confidence
When there’s no one on earth you can trust
Why tell anyone
When all they do is judge
But secrets eat away at your soul
And keeping them hidden is tough
They to cut their own way out
Until till you’re bleeding too much
Got to get it all out
It’s all locked up inside
The key is right here
But every time I try
To open my mouth
The words fly away
If I write them all down…
…maybe they’ll stay
my words are all twisted,
knotted, in vain
they never say what I want them to mean
but secrets are worthless
after hiding them every day
you get tired of lying
because they suck your life away
and secret locks and secret keys
that hide the secrets of your past
they eventually rust and melt away
and your secret dies, at last
got to get it all out
it’s all locked up inside
the key is right here
but every time I try
to set myself free
they all want to stay
if I sing them all out…
…maybe they’ll go away
Got to get it all out
It’s all locked up inside
The key is right here
But I’m to tired to try
To do it myself
But You have a key
If I surrender my heart, and accept your will, and give you my life
You’ll set me free
Mystery
A really old song I wrote. Like… five years ago old.
Pages and pages
Full of different words
All crossed through, erased, and torn out
I’ve been fighting words
For months and months on end
Trying to figure this song out
But maybe those weren’t words that were good enough
And maybe I had started in the wrong place
Maybe I started with me in my mind
Instead of You and Your amazing grace
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see
And You’ve saved me from the wrath my sins had brought and set me free
Why You chose me is a mystery to me
Why You chose me is a mystery to me
My morning begins
I always try to spend
The first few minutes in Your words
But as the day goes on
The love I read about
Vanishes from my actions and words
Why do You love a hypocrite
Why do You save a flock of run-away sheep
Why did You give You son’s life to us
Why did You save me
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see
And You’ve saved me from the wrath my sins had brought and set me free
Why You chose me is a mystery to me
Why You chose me is a mystery to me
But his death to give me life
Was destiny
Fulfilled prophecy
Perfect sovereignty
But why he did it to save sinners is
Confusing me
It’s un-clarity
It’s a mystery
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see
And You’ve saved me from the wrath my sins had brought and set me free
Why You chose me is a mystery to me
Why You chose me is a mystery to me
God one day we will
See You face to face
We will see You reign above
But I don’t think I
Could ever understand
This amazing mystery of Your love
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see
And You’ve saved me from the wrath my sins had brought and set me free
Why You chose me is a mystery to me
Why You chose me is a mystery to me
And You’ve given me a chance to show the world Your majesty,
Why You chose me is a mystery…
Jul 10, 2011
random note.
just re-read my entries over the past month or so, mainly since I met John.
I've known him for a month. yestrerday I saw him for the first time. today was our first date.
this is freaking weird. so surreal. amazing how far we've come.
10:30. bed time.
the weekend
okay. This weekend I met John. here's what happened.
Victory, the girlfriend I was staying with, decided it would be fun to publicly humiliate me by having John show up in one of the stores we were shopping in (because we were hanging out in the downtown area). I had a feeling she was going to bring me into a store with him waiting, or tell him where I was, or send me to go get something so I'd run into him. I was correct.
I was trying on dresses and I heard her talking on the phone with someone. she said something along the lines of "okay we'll meet and have lunch… see you in a few." I knew right away she was talking to him, telling him to come to the store we were in.
he came into the shop while I was still changing. I came out of the dressing room and our eyes met instantly. I recognized him, even though I'd never truly seen him before, because he looked right, he looked like what I thought he'd look like. maybe I'm a freak or maybe I'm clairvoyant, but I can see people in my head when I hear their voices. I can do it with singers too.
anyway. he said something about a picture of me not being adequate, everyone went "awwww" simultaneously and apparently I blushed (that wasn't embarrassing or anything…). I found out he has Number 26 down pat. we took him to lunch, and we spent the rest of the day hanging out together. then he came back with us to Victory's house. we played a retarded card game that made me want to murder Victory (don't ask me to play Mau ever again) and ate ice cream.
that evening, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. there were a lot of people, John was a lot sexier than I expected him to be (seriously? chemistry makes this even more complicated.) and there was a lot of noise. overwhelmed doesn't begin to describe it.
so I sat in the dark front room (in public, but it was a little more private than the kitchen table) and waited for him to come to me, because I knew he would, because he sees me. not like other guys who I'd have to text and say "can we hang out?" or "I need to talk to you" or "I need to be by myself for a while, I'll be right back" or "we haven't gotten a second to ourselves for the whole day and we have things to talk about. get over here." no, John sees me, he's very aware of me, he can read me and understand what's going on inside my head better than I do sometimes. so I went to the living room and waited for him to come.
he did. he sat with me, forced me to look him in the eye and talk to him (which I have a lot of trouble with, but he was patient) and then he asked my mom if he could take me on a walk.
at 9:00 at night.
I was thinking, 'mom is going to say yes. dad would say no, but mom would say yes.' she did say yes, so we went. he told her we'd be gone for thirty minutes.
we got back an hour and a half later.
no I'm not telling you what we did or said. I will say it was all appropriate and the second he got a little too close for my comfort I gave him a glare and a warning and he assured me he would honor me. He did. he did hug me though. that was nice.
we seem to lose track of time. we've talked on the phone for four hours before. once I was up until 3am on the phone. seriously, this just isn't making sense! and yet it seems to be a little too good to be true.
and that usually means it is.
anyway, we went to church together this morning, and we went to Starbucks after. We talked a lot, but then this jerk sat down right next to us and we could tell he was listening to us, so we left.
anyway. it was really nice. he's coming to my hometown soon and I'll meet his parents.
seriously can't wait to see him again.
and that, dear readers, is all the detail you'll get. for now.
maybe in the future if things turn out well, I'll type up one of my real diary entries…
distant future. like, five years from now. or fifteen.
he did make me a promise, though. one I feel like I can share. he told me he wouldn't kiss me until our wedding day. that means a lot to me. that was something I almost put on the list, but told myself that I could compromise on that if it were someone really amazing.
who would have thought I'd have found amazing and willing to wait for me? how special is that??
I let him borrow a few books from me: an encyclopedia of serial killers (he's a Criminology major and has morbid curiosities about violent people like I do) and Sonnets of the Portuguese by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (which, if you haven't read that, you must. she's amazing and so romantic…). the fact that he borrowed love poems from me—and I had him pick from a stack of books, and he chose the sappy poems—makes me happy.
I'm going to try to get some sleep tonight. we'll see if it works.
Jul 7, 2011
So lately…
Haven't been able to write a lot, I've been busy. Here's the rundown of what's been going on lately:
On July 4th, John called dad. apparently they talked for almost two hours. It was just a little crazy. I mean, He's never even met me and he's talking to my dad. He's going to come to my hometown soon and talk to him in person.
Dad seems to like him. Specifically he said "he seems like an articulate young man." I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean, but I guess he isn't prejudiced against him.
Last night in church (I wasn't there but I heard it from my sister Fish) he made a prayer request for wisdom because a guy wants to court me. he said something along the lines of "the phone call was scary for me, but hopefully it was scarier for him." I told that to John and he laughed. He told me later he wasn't scared but he did have to psych himself up to actually make the call.
he added me to his free minute loop on his phone, but it doesn't actually go through until August. So I'm going to try to keep our calls shorter so I don't use up all his minutes. I mean, talking from 9 to 1am every night isn't really helpful when you've got limited minutes and you're broke.
I get to see him saturday, and he wants to come to church with me sunday and take me out after worship service. I think it's really sweet. He really wants me to meet his parents, and I'd love to, but I also want to spend some time with Victory and her family. And I'm not going to actually get there until Friday at midnight-ish.
Now I'm going to pack for a while, and then make some demo projects for the class I'm teaching the week after next, and then maybe go to the gym and dance for a while… my feet hurt and my legs are twitchy.
So excited for this weekend.
Jul 3, 2011
Jul 1, 2011
I don't want too enter a post title! so there! bah! humbug!)
The role in the play fell through. all for the best, though, because I wouldn't have been able to visit Victory (one of my good girlfriends, you know who you are! yes you have a code name now too, you're that special) because there were performances on the date I was planning to visit.
and I promised John I'd visit him when I went up there.
kinda need to meet him in person soon I think…. we had a pretty intense convo last night. we said a lot of things that I'll never tell to anyone but my diary—the real paper one, not the freakish one—and hopefully nobody will see that until I die.
ive seen a few pictures of him, but the pictures i've seen both look so different, that I can't quite piece together what he looks like.
this is so weird. I've never met this guy in person.
I feel like a fourteen-year-old when he talks to me.
and the blushing thing? geez. it's his new favorite thing to do. he can tell when I'm blushing over the phone. it's completely humiliating. he says sweet sappy (not really sappy but they'd sound sappy if I typed them) things and compliments me all the time and says stuff to make me uncomfortable (well, uncomfortable in a good way). this is seriously going to cause problems when I meet him.
o.0
I need some pizza. maybe a bar of chocolate. or two.
<3