warning: long dramatic rambling post about emotions and christmas and boyfriends

Thus far Thanksgiving has been pretty good. see the thing about breaks is… I love my family, but I don't like living with them. this has very little to do with them and most to do with the fact that it puts all six (or more) of us in a very small house and I just get overwhelmed. I have nowhere to be alone and recharge. Even now im sitting "alone" and I'm not really "alone." and I've found that if I don't have enough alone time I explode.

meaning school is stressful, and home is stressful. I feel like I have nowhere to go to actually have a break.

I can't wait for Christmas… but man am I dreading living at home for that long.

on the bright side, John is with us for the whole break, so I get to see him a lot. I'm so happy. I really am. it's been wonderful. I can hug him WHENEVER I WANT TO! that means a lot. I don't have to text him all day and tell him how much I miss him. because I don't. it's weird to NOT miss him.

I went to the doctor today. she gave me a prescription for birth control to help my periods stay regular, and some anxiety medication that I don't remember what it's called. John came with me. he sat in the waiting room tho, he didn't come in with me.

so then we went around town and chilled a little, which was nice, and got coffee, which was great, and sat together and talked and laughed for a while.

we decorated the tree tonight too. that was fun. except mom has a new puppy, a blue standard poodle (he's not really blue, he's grey, but they call them blue) and we're afraid that he'll break the nice ornaments, so we only put up about two thirds of them this year.

I miss school, but I don't want this break to end because I don't want to drop him back off and drive another five hours back to school.

on the bright side, I'll see him a lot over Christmas break, and that's only a few weeks away. so it won't be another month or six week fast from seeing him…

sigh.

Yesterday

Yesterday was pretty bad.

now there were some good parts. one was I had lunch with Jace (like I did last Friday… don't remember if I blogged about that or not). It's been great to connect up with him again. apparently he and his roommate/best friend since birth have had a falling out, so he eats most of his meals alone. im going to start eating lunch with him on fridays because lunch alone really sucks.

anyway, he teased me about John, and we talked about writing (because we're both novelists) and other random stuff.

the bad is… I had a horrific mood swing when I got home that evening, like I was crying all night because I was so stressed.

I am so doing something about this. I'm tired of mood swings and missing periods.

1. I'm going to take something. not sure what, but im seeing the doc over thanksgiving.

2. I'm going to take one less class next term so I can chill out a little.

yeah.

I need to go study. or read a book. or have some coffee. or something.

What celebrity do you look like?

Audrey Hepburn. I played her in a look-alike gala once ;)

Ask me anything

Will you please eat a better diet. You will be the right weight for you and be healthy also.

eat a better diet? do you know who you're talking to?

I have a 16% body fat percentage. I eat brown rice and mashed potatos and grilled chicken and ravioli and oatmeal and soup. I have a starbucks latte when I've got money but lately I've been out.

And remember "the right weight" is relative. I'm 5' 8.5" and a ballerina, and im 125lbs. that OVERWEIGHT for me. pu-leez. the only way i could get healthier would be if I cut chocolate out of my diet completely.

and I can't do that.

Ask me anything

the difference

There is a difference between begging and praying. Praying is simply asking God for something. Now I think you can "pray hard," that's great, and I think you pray regularly for something, but there's a line you cross when you start thinking "God please give this to me or I won't be happy." That's when you know you probably a) won't get it, or b) you won't want it when you do.

And there is a difference between trust and laziness. Trusting that God will take care of you is vital in our walk with Him. I could be extremely stressed about my possible summer internship right now, but being stressed about it won't help me get the internship. Instead, I need to trust that God will work it out for His glory and my good.

But then again, you can't just say "Oh God will take care of me" and not do anything about it. Saying "God will give me an internship" and then sitting back and waiting won't help me.

And another thing: There's a difference between jumping in to trust God, and making dumb choices. For example: When I chose Criminal Justice as my major. I could have agonized over "oh what am I going to major in!" but I didn't, I just picked something and went for it and figured if it wasn't part of God's plan, He'd throw up a roadblock and point me in another direction. And when I switched majors it was the same thing.

Now with John, I was a bit more careful about "jumping in." but that mindset was definitely there after it was clear that he wasn't just going to pursue me, seduce me, and leave me. He and I were both in it for the right reasons, we had the same goals, we have the same beliefs about marriage and relationships, and we are both in it for the long haul. we're DEFINITELY compatible (if you can call it that…). so then I had to chose to jump in, after all that important stuff was clear.

and I could have said no. Because remember, he had an ex-girlfriend who had him thrown in jail, and his gpa isn't so great, and he's not very book-smart, and I know a grand total of two people besides me who think he's attractive. But I was pretty sure I loved him, and he was exactly what I asked for, so I jumped in.

"Why do you always bring your boyfriend into it, em? knock it off!"

Sorry…

The point is, you can ask through prayer, you can trust God, and you can jump in. But when it all comes down to it, no matter what you do and what choice you make, eventually you'll find the open doors (after you run into enough closed ones). but you've got to be willing to ram your face into some doors first.

and really, it doesn't hurt quite as much as you think.

And it's always worth it.

What made you smile today?

I got my birthday present from John today. He sent me a card, a handwritten letter, and a book. It made me REALLLLLLLY happy. ^_^

Ask me anything

sun sign is zodiac stuff. scorpio.

gotcha. scorpio. okay.

When asked about my zodiac sign I usually say "The Cross." Zodiacs are supposed to enlighten you about your personality and your destiny, right?

The Cross of Christ is what makes me who I am and who I will be.

Ask me anything

O.o ballet killed me yesterday... My butt is soar and my knee pain kept me up until about 2 am. But i dont have time to do PT. C'est la vie... I guess.

❀ flower. ❀

I found this flower icon on a piece of spam mail in my email account. it's pretty. so I'm posting it. because I'm tired, cafinated, dehydrated, malnurished, sore, I have a headache, and I'm stressed up the wall-across the ceiling-and down again.

See I have writing assignments due,

I have to get a faculty sponsor for NCUR

I have to do research for my oral presentation

I haven't eaten a real meal since yesterday (but I did get like four or five cups of coffee and no I'm not done…)

I've had rehearsals monday through tomorrow from 6-midnight and homework after that…

I'm freaking stressed. AND I MISS JOHN LIKE MAD.

Rock, paper or scissors?

42.

Ask me anything

I have to…

I really don't want to do my homework right now. I have a lot of random crap to do.

I have to write two journal entries about the same thing and make them different enough that they count for my two classes (which the same thing happened in both).

I have to read a stupid book and write a blog post about each chapter.

I have to work on my honors contracts eventually.

I have to finish the project book Im making for my employer.

I have to study for my theater test on Thursday.

I have to write an essay/critique about Amilie.

and I have a buttload of books to read.

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

c'est ma mere…

This is what happens. (fyi mom and Fish are visiting this weekend)

Mom: let's meet at 7:30. I'll leave my hotel and pick you guys up at school

Fish: Okay.

(Sis and Em look at each other and laugh)

Mom: What?

Sis and Em both say: How about 8:30?

Mom: I want to make a whole day of it.

Fish: It's fine with me, I get up at 6:30 for High School.

Sis: Okay…

Em: *mutters to herself*

…

…

…

…

(7:00 Em's alarm rings)

Em: I hate my life. *texts mom, no answer. gets up anyway*

(7:30 gets text from Mom: "I overslept, I'm on my way")

Em: I hate my life.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't really hate my life. I just hate getting up when I don't have to. lol. c'est ma mere. J'aime-toi.

Has anything ever been stolen from you?

Oh sure. Tons of crap. nothing that really mattered though.

Ask me anything

heya...have been following ur blog for quite sm time...i am a romantic toooooo and i can connect a lot to u...just got curious ...wats ur sunsign...m really interested in them....its cool if u wanna protect ur privacy...m just asking.....and ya...i love w

I would totally tell you, but I have no idea what a sunsign is... Sorry Formspring cut off the second half of your question... Glad you're a long time follower though! that brings me joy.

Ask me anything

let's play a game.

Here's the game. If you have a button for your blog, let me know, and I'll post it on my sidebar if you return the favor.

Reason? I have one random button for another girl's blog up there now and it looks very lonely. It needs friends.

:)

life sucks today.

today, and probably next week.

It's 27 degrees outside, my boyfriend is far away, and I'm PMSing. AGAIN.

apparently my suitemate has a period every other week, because this is absurd. of course any girl will tell you if you live with another girl, you end up synching with them.

aaaaagh ndasoihsdnaoifadsonfas. gah.

and it's cold. I like the cold, but it makes me tired and lonely. at least I live on campus and I don't have to walk fifteen minutes to get to coffee in the morning…

I'll see John the day before Thanksgiving. that day can't come soon enough. I think I understand that song "I'm taking you with me" by Relient K.

sappy I know, I'm sorry. I'm a romantic. you follow a romantic's blog, you get sappy posts.