May 4, 2011

just ignore me.

im a little depressed because school is over. and although I want to go home I know I'm going to miss the independence and the freedom.

I'm also stressed because I really don't want to run into voldemort and I know I probably will, and I'm still not sure where we stand. he facebooked me back at one point, but we're still not even friends on facebook. I'm really not sure what to do about him. I'm just hoping I don't have to do anything, I'm sort of hoping I just don't see him at all.

but the probability of that in my itty bitty little town is extremely small.

I'm also really upset with myself. see for a while I was down to 122 pounds. I liked it down there. my legs looked really nice. but all my friends and family were worried about me for some reason, even though I was healthier then than I am now. but I got off the diet and started eating junk food again and I'm a lot heavier now. well, not a lot heavier now, like six or eight pounds heavier, but I hate myself again. I just do. maybe from a certain perspective my body is nice, but as a dancer, I'm a disaster. I want my legs back. and everything inside me is telling me to stop eating, even though I know from experience and education that THAT WILL NOT HELP ANYTHING. I did a freaking research report this semester on just that. but I feel like if I starve myself, I'll FEEL like it's helping.

I just have to start eating right again, I tell myself. then I go out and buy cookie dough.

I also haven't exercised as much as I'd like, but I blame it on my shoes. they're so worn out that everything hurts when I exercise, run or otherwise.

maybe it's PMS. it probably is. but right now it doesn't feel like that, it feels like I'm fat and ugly and worthless and I want to hide under my covers and talk to my characters because they'll listen and talk back and probably give me some pretty damn good advice. believe it or not, people who don't exist give really good advice. trust me, I've been listening to them for years. like when Derek said "do yourself a favor and make sure you know him before you decide if you like him or not." or when Nomi says stuff like "the people who don't like me aren't worth being my friends anyway." or when Lisa says "you're not responsible for other people's sins—you have a responsibility to God." I mean, I'd never come up with that stuff without them.

Right now It's Sophie. "There's a balance between taking care of your body, and enjoying food."

I want to enjoy food.

but I also want to look ok in a swimsuit. right now I sorta hang out of it.

doesn't matter. I'll be wearing shorts and a t-shirt over it anyway. at least that's what I tell myself to make me feel better about being fat.

stupid PMS. sometimes I just want to lose weight so I don't get my period anymore. but then I remember that if my parents found out about that, they'd take me out of school and make me gain weight.

stupid. stupid stupid stupid.

just ignore me. I don't think I'm serious about anything right now.


1 comment:

Alphonse said...

-hug- praying for you