Whee well that was a scare

Derek has had this crush on this girl for like a year. He finally asked her out the other day and she said yes, so he was all "GAH WHAT DO I DO NOW!" it was funny and kinda cute. anyway he wanted to watch the DVD series that he let me borrow with her, so i had to FIND it before their date started.

nearly had to tear apart the room to find it.

but i did eventually find it.

he has yet to tell me how the date went. it should be interesting to get his take on it. if i can get a chance to talk to the girl that would be even better.

it's funny too, because you would never expect those two to date. they're so different. which is good because he said he was trying to find a girl who he could actually have a long standing relationship with, not just a casual dating relationship, and she's the kind of girl who would be serious.

there may be hope.

anyway. he seems to think that i'm a great judge of character so he's been asking me for advice. which is funny because i've never dated ANYONE and i've never had any kind of relationship but friendship. Well and hating and ignoring each other and pretending to be friends, but Voldemort is the only one who's got that one. because he's so special.

not.

yes i still want to wring his neck. or maybe shoot him from a distance so i don't have to even talk to him. that would be awesome.

i'm not violent at all.

have to study. Jace is at home giving his cats shots, and i have two tests next week. blech.

:P

Trying to determine..

i'm writing a christian romance series, and i'm trying to determine how much intimacy is appropriate. honestly i'm not sure. especially because some of the characters are married. obviously i'm not writing anything explicit, but it's hard to determine, you know? because i want it to be real, but not out of place.

i think i'll just write it with my audience in mind, and have a few friends read it through and tell me if it was ok, or if i need more or less. i mean, christians have the same general desires as nonchristians, so especially when i write the earlier stories when the characters are still courting or dating i want it to be real for them, and that includes desires.

it's just confusing.

i'm loving this series though!!!!!!

<3

grrrr

i just don't get it, really. is there something i'm missing? do i just not understand what he's thinking?

Jace says that i don't annoy him, that he likes talking to me, that i'm fun. he says to text him so we can hang out.

then i text him to hang out and he avoids saying yes.

he says to find him at lunch or dinner so we can eat together, but even when i'm in clear view he never comes to sit with me.

it just doesn't add up. his initial interest has died, so that's good. but i still want his friendship—it was all i'd wanted in the first place—because he's really cool and i like him as a person. but i can't figure him out.

and sometimes it hits me, like today, how incredibly lonely i still am. i have a few friends; my pretend brothers/sisters, and then out here my Sarah (not her real name, but i knew her from home), and Kelsey (a friend that Sarah introduced to me) and Jace and Derek.

but i'm not really close to any of them. Derek and i talked on the phone a few nights ago, but that's it really.

i want to find a friend that i can trust implicitly and no that i'm not annoying him or going to scare him off or freaking him out.

but it takes me so long to make real friends like that.

like i have this one friend. iv'e known him forEVER. like my whole life. basically we couldn't not be friends if we tried. or if he tried to ditch me i just wouldn't let him. but we're just brother/sister. i want someone who loves me.

sigh. frustrated. just ignore me. i have these days every once in a while and it passes and i'm fine for another few weeks. or days. or whatever.

just whatever.

 

so besides being bored and depressed and lonely… today i rode my bike to walmart.

yes i'm serious.

rode to walmart, got stuff like groceries and chocolate, and rode back. when i got back my roommate was back in.

own room gone. sigh. oh well.

then i went and danced for a while. that was AWESOME except it really hurt because my toe is still bloody from friday, and i'm really tight.

i was going to run too but i forgot my shorts and i didn't want to run in a skirt or a leotard. so i was like 'whatever. tomorrow.'

so now im in the dining hall and working on my book. i love this book. i really kinda wish my male protagonist was in my life :P

sigh.

</3

Danny Boy

Thursday was the first day of fall break :D I goofed off and was lazy and slept in but then went to the library and read my Bible for a while and tried to get stuff done. Didn't really get a lot done, but that's ok. Who cares, right? Went to lunch and saw Jace, so I ate with him and his roommate for a while. Went back to my room and looked at the new books I got that day in the mail… some awesome looking young adult hard-covers that'll eventually go to my local library.

that night i had a really horrible dream. i dreamed that there was an alien who was going around and killing students. it was a vampire alien. it would kill the roommate and then circle back and kill the one that was left when it was done with that hall. i decided, because i was smart, that i would kill it. so i went to my RA and told her to get a butcher knife from the kitchen and i got Jace to teach me how to shoot a gun. (idk if he actually knows how to shoot a gun in real life btw) so i fiddled with the light switch and made it motion activated, and put duct tape over one corner so it wouldn't turn on until the alien was close enough for me to kill it the first time the second the light turns on. so here i was thinking it would be hard to kill.

easiest thing i've ever killed in my life. (because of course in my dream i'd killed lots of stuff.)

anyway. the alien was scary. it looked like the one from Signs.

On Friday I went to the gym and danced en pointe (my sister brought me my 5 1/2 4X M shoes and they still have suede on the bottom!!! yay!) they felt SO DAMN GOOD IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!

sorry. shouldn't say that.

but really they did. it felt SO GOOD to be up on my toes again, over my arches and out of my feet. i did some echapes and some chase arabesques and some piques and such.

then i took a niiiiice hoooot shower in the gym.

while i was stretching, i listened to my music. i was listening and singing to Danny Boy by The Hunt Family… which is an awesome arrangement btw. beautiful and haunting, the way it should be. so i was singing it (i was alone in the studio) and later when i was in the dining hall, this guy kept looking at me. i ignored him (thanks to Voldemort, i'm good at that… don't you love my fake names! hah.) but later he passed me and was singing Danny Boy softly to himself.

Well, he was trying to get my attention. But when guys try to get my attention, i don't give it to them.

so i didn't ask and i just left.

i was gonna hang out with Jace but he left for some special magic game competition.

Saturday i didn't do much. Knit, read, ate in my room.

Today, I didn't have a ride to church so I sorta did the same thing: chilled and did nothing. But I went to the dining hall at about 6-ish because i REALLY wanted chocolate and it was too late to go to walmart and get some but i knew it would probably be dark by the time i got back. Jace was back from his thing so we talked for a while. i was so much in my "weird mode" from not socializing all week that i said some pretty wacky things. i was totally rambling. definitely made myself look like an idiot.

but then i'm ok with that, because i kinda am an idiot.

w/e.

he left and i stayed and finished my chocolate cup cake. <3 his roommate was still there so we talked for a while—i don't remember what about—but in the end he was flirting with me. i was like 'great. here we go again.'

i totally won our argument btw.

now i'm back in my room and working on my book. i love these characters! I put Derek and Jace in the book and it is turning out WAY better than if i'd left it the way it was before.

and that has been my weekend.

i have monday and tuesday left of break. i have several books to read, some articles to read, a test to study for, and a walmart trip to make… i think i can do it.

we'll see.

<3

Furious

I am so freaking pissed. I really am. I could beat the guy up.

if you have no idea what i'm talking about, read my public blog. someone seriously tainted Jesus Christ's reputation today and it made me so mad that I cried for a very long time.

but not just mad. i feel heart broken.

i'm not going to elaborate because i might say something a hell of a lot worse than pissed.

</3

ok slacker

i haven't written since tuesday. i feel guilty.

ok. wednesday not much happened… woke up early, got breakfast, went to *$ and read by Bible for a while, went to classes. i ate lunch with Jace (fun) and then i think i studied for a while.

thursday i had a test and then my dad and sister came up that evening. we ate dinner at Macalisters (or however you spell that) and then the next day…

friday morning i got up at 6:30 and got to the gym by about 7-ish. I worked out for about an hour and then showered, blowdried my hair (yes i know right… i'm insane) then headed to *$ to read and pray. I called mom and talked to her for a while too. she was like "who are you and what have you done with my daughter?" because see i am not usually one to get up earlier than i have to.

after classes on friday i went with dad and my sister to a tiny town out here, and then went to a bigger one. i got a buttload of yarn and a funny t-shirt that says,

I'll have a Cafe Mocha,
Vodka, Marijuana, Late
to go… please.

i laughed so hard, i had to get it. there was no walking out of that store without that baby.

then we went to walmart and stocked the fridge dad brought me.

funny story there: dad emptied the fridge but didn't clean it out. he opened it up in our room and i started gagging—i swear the thing had a colony of evolutionary atavists living in there. we got it out of there and cleaned it. he teased me because i handed him a bottle of spray cleaner that he gave me at the beginning of the year and it was still sealed… (WELL I HAVE NOTHING TO SCRUB! I DON'T HAVE A SINK OR MY OWN BATHROOM OR ANYTHING!—nvm. sigh.) anyway. we were being silly and witty and… well… normal… as normal as my family gets, and we managed to get my roommate cracking up. which i've found is honestly pretty easy as long as you're creative. she just doesn't talk much otherwise.

so we stocked the fridge. :)

now i'm catching up on blogging here (hence the post…) and winding the yarn i got, and gonna read some books.

and eat some oatmeal. yummmmmm :)

<3

monday monday...

Mondays are nice. i used to hate them, but i don't anymore. i like them because everything starts over and you have a fresh start.

(unless you have homework from the weekend that you didn't do, and then you start off behind. bad idea.)

monday i woke up earlier than i had to. i thought i'd seen a roach or soemthing in my bed (illusion) and i'd barely slept. so i got up at 7:20 and gone to starbucks at 7:30 (yeah, it takes me ten minutes to walk down thre :\ stupid dorm at the top of the hill at the edge of the campus...) and read my Bible for like... an hour and a half or something. it was nice. of course i'd forgotten my ID card and coudn't get anythign to drink. then i went to my morning class, and went back to my dorm (the housekeeper let me in so i could get my ID) then went to the UC and got breakfast. then i went to my second class (which was kinda lame...we've talked about the same thing for three weeks now. my teacher drives me crazy). i ate lunch and did homework, then went back to my dorm and took a nap, then forced myself to go to the gym. after i worked out i went back to starbucks and read my reading for lit class today (ewwww Milton.). then i went to bed.

that was it :)

maybe today will be more interesting.

…There's a song about that I think…

yesterday.

something something something….yeah. i guess i don't know it. nvm.

yesterday was a good day. thursday night i went to bed at like… 8pm? …. not kidding. i was SO tired. woke up at about 2am and was up until about 4, then slept until 7-ish. i got up and got to starbucks by 8 and did my bible study there. got a caramel apple spice. those things are so good :) and they don't have caffeine! yay!

so. then i went to class. we talked about babies and serial killers (not in the same sentence) and then she tried to convince people to run in the 5k. i was going to.

(keep that in mind.)

so then i went to the UC and chilled for a while. then i went to my other class where they had a debate (and i got to sit and listen and pretend to be interested :D) and then i went to the dining hall and ate panda express. saw Jace on his way to his class.

then i went to starbucks and fought with an html layout. it's still not exactly the way it's supposed to look… but it's getting there. I'm not sure what to do about it.

Then i went to the gym and danced for a while. that was fun. well… ballet is fun in the sense that it's painful and hard and horrible, but still manages to make someone feel beautiful.

then i went to the UC again and ate a piece of pizza, then i went to my dorm and dropped off my dirty dance clothes (EWWW :P) then i went back to starbucks and worked on my book for a while. only got a few scenes done though. i'm not very inspired right now.

or rather, i'm inspired, but not for the books i'm working on. i'm inspired for the ones i haven't started yet.

maybe when i'm sure i'll never see him again, i'll tell you about the story i'm planning on doing… voldemort's basic character would be in it. but until i move out of the state forever or he dies, i'm not going to write it. i'd get so wrapped up in it i might hunt him down and wring his neck.

well, probably not. but i'd certainly fantasize about it.

so i woke up this morning at 7 to get up and get dressed and go for the 5k run. and i was FREEZING. i don't have any of my good legwarmers or tights out here, either (i figured, 'im not dancing, i don't need these' and forgot that as a ballerina, i wear dance stuff whether i'm dancing or not) so i turned off the alarm and laughed at the idea of running in sixty degree weather without warmers. i slept under a microfleece blanket and down comforter until 9:30.

then i texted Jace to see what he was up to, because Derek gave me this tv show series that he wants me to watch and there's no way i'll get through it by myself, and i figured it would be fun to watch it together. but he won't text me back.

what is it with that boy and not texting me on saturdays? that's the day i need to be entertained!! everything is closed out here on saturdays :\

stupid boy.

<3

Questions

Another old one.

this one i started writing in a new journal and didn't realize that i was rhyming until i got to the chorus.

hah

 

 

What do you do

When all you have is questions

And every answer

Feels like a lie

 

How do you find

What you’re looking for

When you don’t know what it is

Or why you try

 

What song do you sing

When all the songs you know

Fall short of what

You need today

 

And how do you write

Your own song instead

When you don’t even know

What you’re trying to say

 

*all my questions have no answers

And no one tells me where to go

Will these questions stay unanswered

Will the rivers all still flow

Will the sun keep rising higher

Will all the stars explode

Will I ever find my answers, *

 

What do you say

When you don’t understand

What you want

Or who you are

 

How do you ask

When the words you use

Turn up empty

Every time

 

And what do you do

When you’ve written it all

There’s not a poem or song

Left to write

 

And how do you finish

The very last verse

When you can’t find words

That rhyme?

 

*All my questions have no answers

And no one tells me where to go

Will these questions stay unanswered,

Will we still have rain and snow

Will the world fall to ruins

Will volcano’s lava flow

Will I ever find my answers, *

 

* All my questions have no answers

And no one tells me where to go

Will these questions stay unanswered,

Will the dolphins dance below

Will the birds still make their nests

Will the trees for them grow

Will I ever find my answers, *

 

 

 

<3