Habits, novels, and coffee shops

The thing about habits is they take a long time to make and once you’re in them you like them, but they’re really easy to get out of.

Good habits, I mean. Bad ones are the opposite.

This time last year I was sitting exactly where I am sitting right now: I was sitting in a coffee shop. I was also doing exactly what I’m doing right now: I was writing. The difference is last year I got somewhere, this year I feel like I’m a dog chasing its tail.

Last summer I wrote a 60K word novel in three weeks, read tons of books, and taught art camps. this year I am getting up at 11 (because that’s when my alarm goes off to remind me to take my medicine) and I’ve written about four sentences, and read a half a novel. I’ve crochet-ed (is that a word?) a lot of things for donation (I still haven’t come up with a name for my ministry) and planned my art camp, but haven’t gotten around to making the samples yet.

I’m trying not to stress though, because I have an internship in a few weeks, and I need to get my wrecked-car back in shape. My novel is sort of on the back burner.

But not for long. Because I’m making a change.

From now on my schedule will be:

• Wake up at 6
• Pilates, PT, jump rope, and stretch
• Go to a coffee shop (the one I’m in now, because their coffee is AMAZING and only a buck fifty in your own cup) and work on my novel!
• Go to the library (just around the corner from the CS) and work on schoolwork and crafty stuff
• Do whatever else I have to do that evening.
• Go to bed early.

(you can mix in talking to Spheal whenever I get cell service.)

at least that's the plan.

Starting Monday. since today is Saturday, and tomorrow is church.

I miss Spheal like mad.

also last semester at school my Zune got stolen. yesterday my paycheck came in, and I found a zune on amazon for really cheap. so I got it.

I CAN'T WAIT. mostly because my CD player in my car ruins cds. now I'll be able to listen to music and audiobooks without worrying about my stupid car.

here. have a cute picture of penguins in sweaters.

This weekend

This weekend I went to Spheal's apartment and picked him up, and took him to my parent's house. We visited with my grandparents on Saturday, and then left Sunday at about 10:30

My grandma gave me something really special: she gave me the watch her father gave her on her eighteenth birthday. It's really pretty, and it still works. I want to make a new band for it that matches the design, because the band right now is just a black strap and it's broken. But I fix and make jewelry all the time. it'll be a piece of cake.

The funny thing is I've actually been wanting a watch for a while. I'm sort of compulsive about time, and I like to know what time it is in class. but I can't check my phone in class! duh. so yeah.

I'll post a picture when I fix it. :)

Another project I want to do this week is make a seat cushion for my car. I lost circulation in the bottom half of my body about 4 hours into the drive… that was annoying. Also it's impossible for me to sit up straight in my car because of the angle of the seat—unless there's a pillow or something behind my back. so I'm going to take care of that eventually.

I also started another crochet afghan. I think I'm going to make it a full size one, and do little flowers or blue-birds on the plain squares. I'll sell it or donate it or something.

and I'm working on a baby sweater. it's purple and white. swo cute!

and I'm decorating a tutu for one of my students.

I miss spheal. a lot.

:(

phew.

man that was a long week.

I don't even remember everything that happened. my British literature exam was three essay questions. I wrote for like an hour and fifteen minutes straight.

I passed all my classes though (Including French, thank God) and now I'm chillaxing at Spheal's house (aka John. New nickname. Also new picture of him…with a skiddy on top).

Yeah I gave Spheal the name John because I didn't know how important he would become at the time. So John is officially Spheal now.

and apparently I'm a skiddy. so yeah.

:)

also, my summer semester starts tomorrow.

THAT'S RIGHT, I GOT A THREE DAY SUMMER VACATION. I LOVE COLLEGE.

So here's the plan:

On Friday I'm going back to my university for my summer term, and for work. I'm living at my employer's house (we'll see how that works…)

then about a week later I'm going back to my parent's house to visit the grandparents and I'm taking Spheal with me.

then I go back to school/work.

then I go to my internship.

then I go back to work.

then I go back to work at my parent's house!

then I go back for the fall semester of school!

don'tcha wish your schedule was as tight as mine?

say no.

ttyl it's cuddle time. yay.

An answer to prayer

Just spent a good two hours talking with Jace.

Yeah, that Jace. Remember him?

First of all: totally over him. He's easy to be friends with now.

Second: he's so different! he doesn't' swear anymore. He's focused on Christ. He told me a story about how God's been communicating with him and showing Himself and making His plan clearer for him.

It makes me so happy. Because when I met him, he was different. And I'd prayed hard for him that he would become a true Christian. and now I'm very sure he is.

It just makes me happy.

Now he's getting his laptop and is coming back down to the commons room to sit with me so we can do homework together (neither of us really want to do much of anything).

Side-note: I met Jace in September of last year. And now I'm getting my answer to prayer. Sometimes it does take some time.

Still.

Thanks Jesus.

You know what sucks?

I'll tell you what sucks.

When you're one of the best dancers in the class, but nobody wants to partner you, so the teacher has to assign someone to dance with you for the final performance, and the whole time your boyfriend would KILL to be your partner.

that sucks.

spring break and starbucks

Got up at 6 like a good ballerina, but then decided that I didn't want to go to the gym because 1. it's cold outside and 2. my ankle is still a little sore from the sprain, and I need to dance this evening, so I'd better plan to save my strength for that.

so now I'm just sitting here waiting for starbucks to open so I can get some coffee and read my Bible and maybe read another book for a while as well. preferably the one I need to read for school before 1:30 today. yeah. should probably get on that.

spring break was awesome. I didn't write much over break, mostly because John was hanging out with me constantly (like we literally didn't leave each other's sides unless 1. we were sleeping or 2. he had to go to class.

which I really can't complain about because I adore the boy.

anyway.

We got there Friday evening. I met his first cousin and his first cousin's wife ( who didn't seem to like me very much, for no reason in particular other than she was PMSing) and then Saturday the sweetheart brought me coffee when I woke up. I don't really remember what we did every day in particular, but essentially, we watched a lot of movies, sat on the couch and read Rage comics, went out to eat a few times, had a candle-lit dinner, played laser-tag and assassin's creed, and watched youtube videos.

just typical geek stuff.

3 more weeks of school. then I'm done. THANK GOD.

then summer starts.

joy.

last night I had a dream that I had a knife stuck in my chest and I couldn't take it out because it would kill me, and I couldn't get to the emergency room because Sis was in the car, and I couldn't call 911 because I didn't have a phone, and when I finally did have a phone, I couldn't find the 9.

-_-

blahhhh

my eyes suck at being eyes. they hurt so bad right now. plus my knee hurts, and my head hurts because the coffee hasn't hit my system yet, and I feel crabby because I miss the boy. good grief do I miss him.

sometimes I feel so good, like I'm on top of the world and ahead of the game because I studied, I finished my homework, I sold something on my etsy shop (called the yarn cat, btw. I won't link it for anonymity sake). or maybe I learned something new, like I learned something about my novel, or how to crochet or tat lace (all three of which happened recently).

other times, like today, I feel like a slacker because I got up at 11 only because I knew I had to take my meds at the same time every day to avoid my period coming three weeks early, and I've spent the past three hours browsing the interwebs, drinking coffee, eating a donut, and just being lazy.

plus, now, because my eyes suck at being eyes, and I've spent a while staring at a screen, my eyes hurt worse than they did when I woke up.

I want my glasses!!! they are being "processed" (whatever that means). I just hope they work—like, I hope I got all the numbers right.

Sis is sitting with me. apparently Jeff is mad at her—again—so she's hanging out with me.

I am procrastinating. I am supposed to be working on a makeup morgue.

I have a ton of books to read too.

I need to get working.

but all I want to do is brows etsy and work on my crochet squares. I think I'm going to make a little baby quilt. :)

John and his mother are coming to visit me next friday I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!!!1

~em

this morning.

I'm being both good and bad this morning.

these are the good things I did:

• I got up before noon (okay, 11:30)
• I called John and we talked for a while before we got up, which was nice
• I packed all my bags full of school books, and headed to starbucks
• I didn't forget to take my medicine
• Even though I'm almost done knitting my blue ringed octopus, I didn't bring it with me to starbucks, so I could focus on my homework first! (this is a big thing for me)

these are the bad things I did this morning:

• On the phone with John, I sort of flirted with him. I wasn't horribly bad, but I could have been less of a tease I guess.
• For breakfast, I am eating a pumpkin spice latte (the venti size…) and a pumpkin cranberry cream-cheese stack from McAlisters.
• I forgot my glasses. Which means I'll have to go back to my dorm and get them, because I've been typing for two minutes and my head already hurts.

So yeah. The good outnumbers the bad, but we don't follow utilitarianism here.

at least I think that's the word.

I'm eventually going to make a dictionary. It will contain words I often forget the meaning of and have to relearn the meaning every semester, new important things I've discovered, and words I made up that I don't want to forget.

And I'll make it on InDesign. Since I paid three hundred dollars for the program, there is no reason I shouldn't' use that thing for EVERYTHING.

A little bit of ketchup

I've had an excellent week. I drove up to John's house the day after Christmas (Monday) and we headed out to Virginia to visit his extended family. His family is pretty awesome. I like them. They adore me, for some reason I can't quite figure out. They even got me Christmas presents before they met me! I have a lot of thank you notes to write this year... sadly, all my stationary is at school, so they'll take a while.

I think when I send out thank you notes, I'll also write Christmas cards, and send out a newsletter about what's been going on in my life. That way I don't have to write the same thing a gazillion times.

Anyway. We're back at John's house, and he and I are going to drive back to my place so he can stay with us for a while. He's been doing some work for my dad.

It's just been an awesome time. I finally feel like I've had a Christmas break: I've been chilling out, watching movies with John, talking to his family and gaining more and more of his mother's trust, and getting to know the guy I'm going to marry one day.

So now I'm going to get off of his laptop, and go brush my teeth. I think we're going to get pizza today, and then get COLDSTONE!!! (he found out I like coldstone because we were reading my book, the one about the two kids who meet over facebook and fall in love? if you want more info on that, email me ;))

anyway.

I'll be home by this afternoon. :)

back home

well, we made it alive. we had to drop off one of Sis's friends in Charlotte, and we got stuck in traffic for an hour and a half. then it was raining. and on the last leg of the trip (about 2.5 hours) we both got food poisoning and had to pull over at a Harris Teeter and take a bathroom break.

C'est la vie.

or as John says it, Vie la C'est.

or as John accidently says it sometimes, Cie la Vey.

Whatever.

We got to John's house Friday night at about 11:30. Sis and I talked with him and his folks for a little while, and then they went to bed. John and I went upstairs and hung out until 2:30 in the morning, which was so much fun I can't even explain it. It was just so nice to sit and talk face to face (and, okay, he is so warm and soft and is an awesome hugger. and there may have been a kiss or two thrown in there too). we ended the night by watching Family Guy, which is his favorite tv show (in case you don't know what it is, it's so dumb, but it's hilarious.)

next morning John's mom and Sis and I went to Starbucks and got coffee (because she loves to dote on us) and then she showed us some of her really cool Christmas ornaments. then John and I took Sis to a MtG shop where she hung out for a few hours, and then we went downtown to a knitting shop, an antique shop, a tea shop, and a CHOCOLATE BAKERY. omg. he got me this yummy thing that idk what it was, chocolate covered cheesecake with cream and fudge or something. man it was yummy.

then we took Sis to the mall and walked around a little and looked at sweaters and I got really inspired.

then we left. that was the sad part. but Sis drove so I didn't have to.

we're finally back. now we're just chilling at home. I'm eating a microwaved chicken pot pie.

(some things never change)

dad is drawing. Sis and Joe (her guy friend) and Ears are playing magic. Fish is coming down with a cough. Mom is watching Holiday Inn upstairs.

And I am on my period exactly when I'm supposed to be. The birth control worked. I also didn't have ANY mood crashes this month, thanks to the anxiety meds. I have never been so happy to have a period.

Of course it's not exactly comfortable, so I'm not really enjoying myself, but I feel like a functional woman, and that's nice.

the only thing I have to do now is find some jeans that won't fall off. John wants to get me some for Christmas. I might let him. :)

He's coming up soon. in a few days. He'll spend some time here before Christmas, and then stay for the day-before-christmas-eve party, and then go home with his parents. and then the day after Christmas I'm going up there and visiting some family with them.

yay. this is going to be a fun Christmas.

also.

I'M DONE WITH SCHOOL FOR THE SEMESTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH I AM SO HAPPY.

that is all.

random stuff I found on my computer that I've been meaning to post

warning: long dramatic rambling post about emotions and christmas and boyfriends

Thus far Thanksgiving has been pretty good. see the thing about breaks is… I love my family, but I don't like living with them. this has very little to do with them and most to do with the fact that it puts all six (or more) of us in a very small house and I just get overwhelmed. I have nowhere to be alone and recharge. Even now im sitting "alone" and I'm not really "alone." and I've found that if I don't have enough alone time I explode.

meaning school is stressful, and home is stressful. I feel like I have nowhere to go to actually have a break.

I can't wait for Christmas… but man am I dreading living at home for that long.

on the bright side, John is with us for the whole break, so I get to see him a lot. I'm so happy. I really am. it's been wonderful. I can hug him WHENEVER I WANT TO! that means a lot. I don't have to text him all day and tell him how much I miss him. because I don't. it's weird to NOT miss him.

I went to the doctor today. she gave me a prescription for birth control to help my periods stay regular, and some anxiety medication that I don't remember what it's called. John came with me. he sat in the waiting room tho, he didn't come in with me.

so then we went around town and chilled a little, which was nice, and got coffee, which was great, and sat together and talked and laughed for a while.

we decorated the tree tonight too. that was fun. except mom has a new puppy, a blue standard poodle (he's not really blue, he's grey, but they call them blue) and we're afraid that he'll break the nice ornaments, so we only put up about two thirds of them this year.

I miss school, but I don't want this break to end because I don't want to drop him back off and drive another five hours back to school.

on the bright side, I'll see him a lot over Christmas break, and that's only a few weeks away. so it won't be another month or six week fast from seeing him…

sigh.

the difference

There is a difference between begging and praying. Praying is simply asking God for something. Now I think you can "pray hard," that's great, and I think you pray regularly for something, but there's a line you cross when you start thinking "God please give this to me or I won't be happy." That's when you know you probably a) won't get it, or b) you won't want it when you do.

And there is a difference between trust and laziness. Trusting that God will take care of you is vital in our walk with Him. I could be extremely stressed about my possible summer internship right now, but being stressed about it won't help me get the internship. Instead, I need to trust that God will work it out for His glory and my good.

But then again, you can't just say "Oh God will take care of me" and not do anything about it. Saying "God will give me an internship" and then sitting back and waiting won't help me.

And another thing: There's a difference between jumping in to trust God, and making dumb choices. For example: When I chose Criminal Justice as my major. I could have agonized over "oh what am I going to major in!" but I didn't, I just picked something and went for it and figured if it wasn't part of God's plan, He'd throw up a roadblock and point me in another direction. And when I switched majors it was the same thing.

Now with John, I was a bit more careful about "jumping in." but that mindset was definitely there after it was clear that he wasn't just going to pursue me, seduce me, and leave me. He and I were both in it for the right reasons, we had the same goals, we have the same beliefs about marriage and relationships, and we are both in it for the long haul. we're DEFINITELY compatible (if you can call it that…). so then I had to chose to jump in, after all that important stuff was clear.

and I could have said no. Because remember, he had an ex-girlfriend who had him thrown in jail, and his gpa isn't so great, and he's not very book-smart, and I know a grand total of two people besides me who think he's attractive. But I was pretty sure I loved him, and he was exactly what I asked for, so I jumped in.

"Why do you always bring your boyfriend into it, em? knock it off!"

Sorry…

The point is, you can ask through prayer, you can trust God, and you can jump in. But when it all comes down to it, no matter what you do and what choice you make, eventually you'll find the open doors (after you run into enough closed ones). but you've got to be willing to ram your face into some doors first.

and really, it doesn't hurt quite as much as you think.

And it's always worth it.

life sucks today.

today, and probably next week.

It's 27 degrees outside, my boyfriend is far away, and I'm PMSing. AGAIN.

apparently my suitemate has a period every other week, because this is absurd. of course any girl will tell you if you live with another girl, you end up synching with them.

aaaaagh ndasoihsdnaoifadsonfas. gah.

and it's cold. I like the cold, but it makes me tired and lonely. at least I live on campus and I don't have to walk fifteen minutes to get to coffee in the morning…

I'll see John the day before Thanksgiving. that day can't come soon enough. I think I understand that song "I'm taking you with me" by Relient K.

sappy I know, I'm sorry. I'm a romantic. you follow a romantic's blog, you get sappy posts.

Swanning

Swanning (verb: Swan-ing). a date in which you and your boyfriend/girlfriend take a walk along a river and look at swans. Ex: John and I went swanning last night.

It's been a lovely week. I've been able to see Victory and John every day. Yesterday Victory and I even got to have a tea party :D

John took me to the ballet on Friday. Yesterday we went for a walk in the park right as the sun was going down, and we saw the swans on the river, and the baby ducks, and we sat on the swing and talked until it got too cold (even leaned up against him, and he's like a heater). then we got pizza and watched a movie.

My mom and sis are coming up today, and they're bringing my new microwave, and a few other random things. John and I are going to try to have dinner tonight, since tomorrow I won't see him until he drops me off at my carpool to go back to school.

ugh.

but I'll see him over thanksgiving :) which is in a month. :\

<3

Thank God for Fall Break!!!

:D Yay. idk if I mentioned it or not, but Sis and I came up to visit John and Victory for Fall break this week. He picked us up at a gas station (because we got a ride most of the way) and took us to Victory's house.

When we were settled, he stole me for about a half hour. we went on a short walk and just held hands and hugged and it was lovely. He even sang to me while we slow-danced in the street. But we went inside because it was starting to rain. and because he had to get up at 8 the next morning, and it was already past midnight.

it was just so good to see him. it's been a long six weeks. A six weeks where I had three periods.

WHICH DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

gah.

now I'm sitting in Starbucks knitting his scarf for Christmas. And I'll see him this afternoon. Victory and he both get out of school at 4. Sis went home with dad (who I got to see today and I gave him a BIG hug) so I get Victory and her sister, Lizzy, all to myself.

This is going to be the best week ever.

Also. My "Keep Calm and DFTBA" shirt came in.

<3

sexy boyfriends, overweight ballerinas, and college pranks

It makes me sad that John thinks he's not attractive. I tell him he is, but he doesn't quite believe me. Then again, he tells me I am, and I don't quite believe him. So I guess he's just more open about his doubt than I am. I made him promise not to cut himself down anymore, and it'll take some getting used to, but I think he'll get better at it.

The thing is, he is everything I want and everything I need. and I don't really know how to prove that to him. I think I'm just going to have to prove it after a long period of time. He's going to have to realize it himself—and realize that it doesn't matter even if he isn't "good enough" for me, because I love him and I'm sticking with him.

So there's nothing really I can do, because he as to find his worth in Christ, not me. But it makes me feel kind of helpless.

On a brighter (or not so brighter) note, I've decided, again, to lose weight. I don't like stretch marks. they're ugly. So the weight is going bye-bye. I don't look good in a leotard anymore.

This is going to be expensive, however, because it means I have to eat upstairs, and that costs a lot of money. It's going to be hard, because that means I have to give up Caramel Macciattos. and I really like those. Also no more latte's either. I'm going back to coffee. It's cheaper and non-fattening.

I'm also trying to figure out how to cook beans and lentils in the microwave.

of course, not that my microwave is broken, it's a bit of a moot point.

I was pranked… Here's the story.

There's this guy. He lives across the hall and down a door or two. Let's call him Scott. He's a Freshman and he's almost as obnoxious as me. He loves zombies and we share a sort of passion for sharp objects and violence. (what you mean you didn't know I was a violent person? pu-leez.)

He discovered:

1. I have a cool assassin hat
2. I leave my door unlocked most of the time
3. my boyfriend lives 300 miles away.

So this is what he did.

1. he stole my hat
2. when I finally got it back, a few days later he snuck into my room and ransacked it and stole it again
3. he brought me cookies and popcorn as an apology but wouldn't return the hat.

I did eventually get the hat back, btw. I made him feel really guilty because in the process of ransacking my room, he put my laundry detergent in my microwave. Now this normally wouldn't be a problem, but he didn't know the laundry detergent cap was broken, and it leaked all over my microwave.

like this:

 

yeah. I was mad.

so I cleaned it out as best I could. after letting the rest of it dry out for a day or two, I plugged it in and it was making weird crackly electrical noises, so I unplugged it and set it asside.

Scott felt really bad. he said he wanted to buy me a new one but he was broke, so he gave me my hat back. I kept the pictures for blackmail. bwahahahaha!

and for funsies.

So I have my hat and no microwave. however an old friend of mine said they had an extra and they're going to bring it to my folks place so I can get it after fall break. yay!

God is awesome like that.

So now I know two things:

1. Lock my door at all times. no exceptions.
2. Don't tease/joke around with/participate in activities with Scott, because he does like me. Which is a little creepy, honestly, because he is like seventeen and I'm almost twenty. and he knows that.

ew.

anyway.

I GET TO SEE JOHN AND VICTORY IN FOUR DAYS! FNAOFHNASOFGNSALFSAJ.

<3

I am not feeling creative enough to title this post.

Okay so basically here's the gist.

I'm visiting Victory and John over fall break. I'll be staying with Victory and her family (yay! I get to see my girlfriends and my boyfriend at the same time!!) and I'm really excited.

I get to see them in NINE DAYS. it's been hard. we both had some days where I seriously would have just gotten in the car and driven down if I'd had the gas money.

good thing I'm broke.

wait. scratch that. I wish I had more money.

anyway I talked to his mom today, because it was her anniversary and apparently John was the only one who remembered. so I gave her a call to say hi. she seemed really happy to talk to me. she told me about a yarn shop out there, and I may see if John will take me.

not like I need any yarn. I have buckets full.

<3

so you know how in novels when the girl is really sad and she can't stop crying and she doesn't know why so the guy stays up on the phone with her and sings her songs and tells her funny stories so she can calm down and go to sleep?

they're real. and I've got one for a boyfriend.

okay any guy readers: this is going to be awkward…

my period is driving me crazy. I had it two weeks ago. I had it two weeks before that. and if I'm PMSing again (which it sure felt like I was) that means I'll have another one after three weeks. this isn't fair. not at all. RAWR!!!

I need a caramel machiatto. with extra caramel.

Ketchup

catch-up.

so stupid mobile blogger isn't letting me post more than a page. and anyone who knows me or who has been following this blog very long knows I'm just a little wordy, so I don't do the whole 160 characters thing.

here's what's been going on with me lately:

Friday the 2, Sis and I went home for the weekend for Labor Day after her classes, so we didn't leave until 2:30-ish. We stopped on our way home and I got to see John for about an hour and a half. it was almost torture because I wanted to stay forever but it was already about 9:00pm, and we couldn't stay any longer.

Saturday was a bit of a blur, I remember sleeping in but not much else. But that evening John called me, and we talked for a while. he asked me a funny question: "when does your church service start?" shortly thereafter he said he was going to visit last year's roommate the next day, and his roommate lives in my hometown. I was thinking "yeah okay you're driving two hours to see your roommate who hasn't spoken to you in several months, but you aren't mentioning visiting me, even though I live fifteen minutes away. you're hiding something."

turns out he was.

Because Sunday he showed up for church.

this brought me immense joy. I knew he'd be there, but it still made me so happy. I sat through sunday school thinking "I thought he would be here. it was so obvious." I even saw a car like his drive up. I got all panicky but it wasn't him.

of course I turned around and checked later, just as he was coming through the door…which is something I've been doing lately. it's like I can sense when he's around me. he hasn't snuck up on me once.

Yes. I was very happy. I asked him why he came and he was like "duh, I came to talk to your dad."

wow.

anyway, he did, and he got my dad's permission to peruse me, so we're officially "dating". which is weird because this time last year I was telling people I was going to have an arranged marriage. which was more of a "approved courtship with adult supervision" anyway, but that's such a mouthful.

I miss my boyfriend… (that's weird. I have a boyfriend. this is so weird.) I won't see him until Thanksgiving.