Showing posts with label Beautifulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Beautifulness. Show all posts

Apr 9, 2012

spring break and starbucks

Got up at 6 like a good ballerina, but then decided that I didn't want to go to the gym because 1. it's cold outside and 2. my ankle is still a little sore from the sprain, and I need to dance this evening, so I'd better plan to save my strength for that.

so now I'm just sitting here waiting for starbucks to open so I can get some coffee and read my Bible and maybe read another book for a while as well. preferably the one I need to read for school before 1:30 today. yeah. should probably get on that.

spring break was awesome. I didn't write much over break, mostly because John was hanging out with me constantly (like we literally didn't leave each other's sides unless 1. we were sleeping or 2. he had to go to class.

which I really can't complain about because I adore the boy.

anyway.

We got there Friday evening. I met his first cousin and his first cousin's wife ( who didn't seem to like me very much, for no reason in particular other than she was PMSing) and then Saturday the sweetheart brought me coffee when I woke up. I don't really remember what we did every day in particular, but essentially, we watched a lot of movies, sat on the couch and read Rage comics, went out to eat a few times, had a candle-lit dinner, played laser-tag and assassin's creed, and watched youtube videos.

just typical geek stuff.

3 more weeks of school. then I'm done. THANK GOD.

then summer starts.

joy.

last night I had a dream that I had a knife stuck in my chest and I couldn't take it out because it would kill me, and I couldn't get to the emergency room because Sis was in the car, and I couldn't call 911 because I didn't have a phone, and when I finally did have a phone, I couldn't find the 9.

-_-

Nov 18, 2011

the difference

There is a difference between begging and praying. Praying is simply asking God for something. Now I think you can "pray hard," that's great, and I think you pray regularly for something, but there's a line you cross when you start thinking "God please give this to me or I won't be happy." That's when you know you probably a) won't get it, or b) you won't want it when you do.

And there is a difference between trust and laziness. Trusting that God will take care of you is vital in our walk with Him. I could be extremely stressed about my possible summer internship right now, but being stressed about it won't help me get the internship. Instead, I need to trust that God will work it out for His glory and my good.

But then again, you can't just say "Oh God will take care of me" and not do anything about it. Saying "God will give me an internship" and then sitting back and waiting won't help me.

And another thing: There's a difference between jumping in to trust God, and making dumb choices. For example: When I chose Criminal Justice as my major. I could have agonized over "oh what am I going to major in!" but I didn't, I just picked something and went for it and figured if it wasn't part of God's plan, He'd throw up a roadblock and point me in another direction. And when I switched majors it was the same thing.

Now with John, I was a bit more careful about "jumping in." but that mindset was definitely there after it was clear that he wasn't just going to pursue me, seduce me, and leave me. He and I were both in it for the right reasons, we had the same goals, we have the same beliefs about marriage and relationships, and we are both in it for the long haul. we're DEFINITELY compatible (if you can call it that…). so then I had to chose to jump in, after all that important stuff was clear.

and I could have said no. Because remember, he had an ex-girlfriend who had him thrown in jail, and his gpa isn't so great, and he's not very book-smart, and I know a grand total of two people besides me who think he's attractive. But I was pretty sure I loved him, and he was exactly what I asked for, so I jumped in.

"Why do you always bring your boyfriend into it, em? knock it off!"

Sorry…

The point is, you can ask through prayer, you can trust God, and you can jump in. But when it all comes down to it, no matter what you do and what choice you make, eventually you'll find the open doors (after you run into enough closed ones). but you've got to be willing to ram your face into some doors first.

and really, it doesn't hurt quite as much as you think.

And it's always worth it.

Apr 20, 2011

Photo love

awww

yup. been there.

 

kristy martin by justin smith

makes me sigh.

 

RaoinbowPointeShoes

^^

 

tumblr_li1juzjHQK1qbpwzeo1_500

bwahahahahaha!

 

reading

<3

Apr 8, 2011

guilt

so here's the thing: this diet I was doing for school was taking over my life. After only three weeks I was at the point where I felt guilty for eating a brownie or peanut butter or a chicken patty. and the study was for my stress management class.

ironic?

so I'm done. I did it for about three weeks, and I'm going to put two of the three weeks up on the records and explain I couldn't continue doing it because of money, time, and stress, and how eventually I want to do the experiment on other people and for a long term. however, I did manage to drop my body fat percentage and weight over said two weeks. so I did what I set out to do. but for now, I'm done.

tonight for dinner, I hate a hamburger and pizza crust and a half a brownie and the whipped cream off a piece of cake. and I felt guilty for it and had to remind myself that I am now done with the retarded diet and I can eat what I want.

but even now I feel guilty.

I hate it! I want to be back at 130 or more pounds. and even though I won't look quite as great in a leotard, I chose to be satisfied with my body because I will never be thin enough to make myself happy.

see, I've always wanted to be about 115. I could do it if I worked really hard and had the time to exercise. but I like food. and I like it when my jeans fit. and I like having boobs.

but the thing is… even when I was down to 122 with a 14.8 body fat percentage, I still thought my legs were fat. I thought they weren't as fat, but I still looked at them and thought "ew. chubby jiggly yuck."

but unless I lost all my body fat and toned my muscles completely, I will never be satisfied. and the guilt I felt would have eventually, if I'd let myself keep going, become an eating disorder. not anorexia or bulimia, but still disordered eating to the point where I would be obsessed with losing weight.

thank God I'll never be a ballerina. He knew what He was doing by giving me bad arches and crappy knees and no turnout. He was saving me.

all I can say is, if you're not happy with your body, try changing it. you may change for good and be satisfied with the new change… or  you may learn that you were satisfied all along.

Mar 24, 2011

Thank you, Jesus

Last night was amazing.

so this guy approached me last semester some time in October when crazy Jesus preacher man came to campus. I had gone to preacher man and talked to him and tried to convince him that yelling and screaming at people would not turn them to Christ. He'd come up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me because I was crying pretty hard. in fact some kid did a youtube video about crazy Jesus man, and in this one part you can hear me crying. it's horrible.

random. sorry.

anyway.

the guy came up to me a few days later and told me that he was really encouraged by me because of my tears, because it showed him that I truly loved Jesus. personally I don't think I love Jesus as much as I should—well that's a silly thing to say because nobody does—but it kind of hit me funny, because that was exactly what I had wanted to tell Brad (see sidebar if you don't remember that story).  and I hadn't. I knew how much bravery it took to do what he did for me.

or maybe it was easy for him and I'm just really introverted. I dunno.

anyway we eventually became friends on facebook. I saw him post one day that he was leading a Bible study outside starbucks at 8, so I left him a note that I'd be there and I came.

and see, for the past few days, I'd been praying for some Christian friends that are nice to be around and don't make me feel guilty for hanging out with them and like to talk about real God stuff, not just Bible jokes (coughjacecough)  and I met these kids and they were awesome. as far as names, I only remember the one guy who was leading it and one other girl. We'll call Bible-study-leader-boy "Will" and the girl I remember "Bethany." (they might come into play in this interesting story of my life later, so it's good to give them names now.)

the point is, it was really nice. I felt so good after spending time with them. the study went from 8-9:30, and then we got starbucks (well, they got starbucks, I managed to stick to my diet) and talked for another half hour at least. it was just really edifying and relaxing to know that I wouldn't hear a swear word or a sex joke and that I could talk about Jesus without feeling like I was preaching at my friends.

I'm totally going back.

I went to the dining hall today, and on my way out to leave I saw jace and sam, his roommate. they made me sit down and talk to them for almost an hour. it was nice. it wasn't awkward like I thought it might be, and it wasn't emotionally hard for me either.

I think I can manage to hang around him as long as it's few and far between. but I'm not doing the lunch every day thing. I don't trust myself enough for that. I'm too easily distracted.

I'm going to youth group tonight at 7:30. it's with some of the same kids from last night. I'm really excited.

Thank you Jesus :)

on a totally random note, we had a tornado warning last night. there was a lot of wind but we didn't end up having a tornado.

<3

Mar 17, 2011

Date a girl who writes

this is a response post to Date a Girl Who Reads, which was a response to Date a girl…something else… I don't remember.

Date a girl who writes. She's hard to find because she's the one who stands in the corner of the room watching other people from a distance. She's the one who searches their faces and watches their body language. She stands close enough that she can hear but far enough away so that she won't be seen. She's a master at invisibility, and all the smart girls know she's the best at eavesdropping. They go to her for the gossip. She knows who is in love with who just by watching them.

You'll be a lucky man if you find her. She's the one with a journal in her hand, a notebook in her purse, scrap paper in her car, and pencils in her back pocket. she's always scribbling something, praying it won't evaporate before she gets it down onto paper. and because she's always scribbling, she's always looking down, and that's why you never noticed her before.

if you're lucky, you'll find her at a library or in a park or at a coffee shop or in an airport, drinking coffee and watching people or typing furiously at her computer. If you see her looking at you, look back and wait.

if she looks away she doesn't want to be interrupted and she doesn't want you to notice her, so pretend you don't. but if you can get her to look at you and not look away, she wants to talk to you. she's targeted you, pursuing you, inviting you. once she catches your eye, once she hears your voice that first time, she begins her profile. she's the one who will have your character in 10 seconds and have you completely profiled in 10 minutes.

after two weeks she'll know you better than you know yourself.

if you catch her muttering to herself, don't feel awkward, she's talking with the characters in her story, probably arguing about what happens next.

don't lie to her because she knows. she can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice, sense it in your energy field. she pays attention to every detail of your every word and if you're not careful, she'll ask the question that strips your lie away and you'll be humiliated.

so tell the damn truth.

If something is wrong, you may as well tell her because she'll figure it out. When something is wrong, you may as well tell her because otherwise she'll jump to the most absurd, most outlandish, most creative but ridiculous possibilities anyone could ever come up with, and when the truth comes out and she tells you what she thought, you'll remind her she's crazy, and she'll remind you that she knows this because of the voices, and you'll both laugh and hug and go on with life.

It's easy to shop for a girl who writes: office supplies like sticky notes and pencils, calendars, and especially beautiful journals will bring her immense joy because she knows that blank paper is the beginning of a new person, a new life, a new world. and holding that blank notebook in her hands lets her feel the power she knows exists inside her soul.

If you find out she's upset, don't ask her why, just let her cry until she hands you her journal and goes to stand by the window until you finish reading her most recent entry. She could never tell you what was wrong with her mouth because her soul is in her hands. once you read that entry, skip back in her journal and read the parts about you, because if she handed you her journal and walked away, it means she wants you to read it. she wants you to know that she dreams about becoming your only love every night, and that she has the whole thing planned out.

then once you know the plan, carry it out. she'll play along.

she'll write the wedding invitations, and the baby announcements, and stories for your children. she'll write you letters in your lunch every day and put sweet sensual notes on your pillow in the evenings. she'll ramble on and on as you take long walks along the beach and tell you all about a world that doesn't exist, and people who were never born and will never die and whom she loves as much as she loves your children, because her characters are just more of her children.

don't feel like you didn't help create them because chances are, if you love a girl who writes, there's a piece of you embedded in every hero, and a piece of herself in every heroine. you can sleep at night knowing that even after you both die, you'll both continue to live together in everyone else's minds through her books and stories, and you can live a thousand nights in stories that never end.

<3

Jan 28, 2011

OH random.

so I forgot to mention.

last sunday (after Jace and Sam helped me raise my bed) I found out two things:

1) they are in the room right above me. lol.

2) jace came to church last sunday :))))))

which is awesome because I've been praying for him literally since I met him. I hope he comes back.

ok. off to the gym to attempt to do ballet.

<3333333333333333333

Nov 7, 2010

Payback is beautiful

So Jace has been putting my silverware in my drink every time I get up from the table. today I saw him in the dining hall and waited until he got up and turned the corner, then found his seat and got him back.

it was funny. made me laugh.

payback is beautiful.

Oct 23, 2010

Whee well that was a scare

Derek has had this crush on this girl for like a year. He finally asked her out the other day and she said yes, so he was all "GAH WHAT DO I DO NOW!" it was funny and kinda cute. anyway he wanted to watch the DVD series that he let me borrow with her, so i had to FIND it before their date started.

nearly had to tear apart the room to find it.

but i did eventually find it.

he has yet to tell me how the date went. it should be interesting to get his take on it. if i can get a chance to talk to the girl that would be even better.

it's funny too, because you would never expect those two to date. they're so different. which is good because he said he was trying to find a girl who he could actually have a long standing relationship with, not just a casual dating relationship, and she's the kind of girl who would be serious.

there may be hope.

anyway. he seems to think that i'm a great judge of character so he's been asking me for advice. which is funny because i've never dated ANYONE and i've never had any kind of relationship but friendship. Well and hating and ignoring each other and pretending to be friends, but Voldemort is the only one who's got that one. because he's so special.

not.

yes i still want to wring his neck. or maybe shoot him from a distance so i don't have to even talk to him. that would be awesome.

i'm not violent at all.

have to study. Jace is at home giving his cats shots, and i have two tests next week. blech.

:P

Sep 29, 2010

Butterfly Kisses

i really love butterflies. i don't know why. maybe because they're graceful, lighter than a feather, and more beautiful than i could even conceive to be myself. whenever i dance any kind of fairy dance, butterflies are the creatures i am to mimic.

today i held a butterfly.

i was walking back to my dorm and i saw this beautiful large blue and orange-colored butterfly. it looked like it had a bite out of it's wing. i'd remembered seeing that exact same butterfly about two weeks ago, and it was at about the same location.

i knelt down and watched it. it let me get very close to it. on a whim i stretched my hand out to it, and it flew right towards me and sat on my thumb.

and just sat there.

it fluttered its wings slightly, it looked at me. it let me bring it up close to my face so i could look at it. it was beautiful and light and shiny. i couldn't even feel the weight of the thing on my finger.

it didn't fly away until i lifted my hand out and signaled for it to.

it was definitely the highlight of my day, and definitely something i'll never forget. because every princess in her tutu dancing outside with the butterflies wants nothing more than to catch and hold one.

<3

Sep 22, 2010

My day was just a little awesome. Well maybe more than a little.

So here's the rundown.

Woke up this morning with enough time to get breakfast from Chick-Fil-A and get to class. we talked about federal agencies and how to get hired, and what it takes to get hired by the FBI and stuff like that. it was cool.

then i went to my debate. see, the debate was very unorganized for three reasons:

  1. we had one day to meet because our schedules clashed like all git-out.
  2. the one guy in our team forgot, so there was just two of us
  3. we were the "con" side, so we didn't know specifically what we were going to say until the other team said their parts.

so when i got to my part, i litterally just said the first things that came to my mind. which i kinda sucked at. but i was the only one who used all three minutes, and spoke clearly, and looked at the audience. so i hope i get a decent grade.

anyway.

after that, BCM had free hug day.

now any of you who know me know that i am not a touchy-feely kind of gal. but i do give wicked good hugs. so i stood there in the sun in jeans and hugged TONS of people for two and a half hours.

it was awesome.

and the best part is, we got in a line in front of the University Center, and we just asked everyone if they wanted hugs. and i was in a line of like… five guys. and then me. and all the guys said they gave better hugs than i did, but i knew they were just saying that because they wanted to argue with me. because for some reason, most guys think i'm cute.

whatever.

so we had people vote and they picked me as the best hugger. and sometimes they'd say something like "oh you saved the best for last!" and one guy wouldn't hug anyone but he gave up when i offered.

yeah. i guess being cute ain't that bad. i can get almost any guy to hug me just by smiling and opening my arms.

hehe.

yeah. i gave a lot of people hugs. i gave the guy from my hometown a hug, and the girl from my class a hug, and Jace got a hug, and Brant got a hug. and i am the best hugger ever.

yes i am. :P

so after that, i went to the dining hall and ate crappy salad and soggy granola. then i went back to my room. and i was exhausted. so i took a nap ( ew… i was all sweaty and whatever.) and slept for 'bout an hour and a half. then i woke up about 5pm. and i was like "dangit… cjs running club at 530… i'm tired…" but i hauled my lazy @$$ out of bed and got dressed aaaaaandddd then it started raining and there was a thunderstorm outside. it was BEAUTIFUL and smelled sooo goood. I LOVE mountain thunderstorms because they're not humid. they're just awesome.

so i went to the inside gym instead of going to cjs club. idk how many miles i ran… probably two-ish. maybe. idk.

guess who was at the gym? Jace! so we talked for a while, which was fun, because we always end up talking about highly educated things like poetry and shakespeare and stuff. because we're awesome college students.

then i finished working out and took a niiiice looong shower, went back to the dining hall and ate more crappy food (pizza bagels and chicken nuggets. and more soggy granola. can you guess my main entree right now?)

then i went to starbucks and finished my homework and got about an inch of my friend's christmas present done.

now i'm gonna go to bed cuz i have an 8am class.

God is good.

<3

Aug 22, 2010

ok… well

So I did eventually get the microwave, but of course it’s a three-prong and i can’t plug it into my extension chord.

and my extension chords are crappy… i can’t put stuff all the way in. which is dangerous. I eventually figured out that i just had to push REALLY HARD and it would work.

then i worked out. i got to take a bike ride around campus… and i mean i went everywhere. all over. up and down hills… shoot some of those hills are so steep that i had to hold my breaks down and it was still a little nerve wracking… i’ll get the feel for the roads and then i’ll be fine. let’s just say that it would take me twenty minutes to walk to my one classroom… well on the bike it’ll probably take about four minutes at the most ;) happyday! (of course… then i have to get back up the hill to my dorm.)

after my long and strenuous bike ride (yeah there were a few cars will rolled down windows and screaming guys, but not too many and nothing offensive, thank God.) I hiked back to my dorm (quite literally) and did situps for about four minutes, pushups (like… i think i did fifteen. which is a lot for my skimpy arms) and stretched.

i’m seriously like eight inches away from a split. I used to be able to do a full crossed split and lean forwards, and then kick my back foot up and lean back and touch it to my nose. but seriously? i’m SO tight!

I’ll get it back in a week, though. i swear! (ok so maybe two). with all the hiking ill be doing, hamstrings will be tiiiight… but my butt will look great by Christmas. legs too. yay for living on the top of the hill!

then i painted my nails.

see?

DSCN0975

purty. they all have orange flowers with blue centers and green stems. fannncy stuff.

so there was my day :)

<3