This weekend

This weekend I went to Spheal's apartment and picked him up, and took him to my parent's house. We visited with my grandparents on Saturday, and then left Sunday at about 10:30

My grandma gave me something really special: she gave me the watch her father gave her on her eighteenth birthday. It's really pretty, and it still works. I want to make a new band for it that matches the design, because the band right now is just a black strap and it's broken. But I fix and make jewelry all the time. it'll be a piece of cake.

The funny thing is I've actually been wanting a watch for a while. I'm sort of compulsive about time, and I like to know what time it is in class. but I can't check my phone in class! duh. so yeah.

I'll post a picture when I fix it. :)

Another project I want to do this week is make a seat cushion for my car. I lost circulation in the bottom half of my body about 4 hours into the drive… that was annoying. Also it's impossible for me to sit up straight in my car because of the angle of the seat—unless there's a pillow or something behind my back. so I'm going to take care of that eventually.

I also started another crochet afghan. I think I'm going to make it a full size one, and do little flowers or blue-birds on the plain squares. I'll sell it or donate it or something.

and I'm working on a baby sweater. it's purple and white. swo cute!

and I'm decorating a tutu for one of my students.

I miss spheal. a lot.

:(

so apparently I'm blind

I've been having a lot of problems with my eyes lately. I went to the eye doctor and got an eye exam and found that I have 20/40 vision in one eye, and 20/50 in the other. So legally, I shouldn't be driving.

I'm a really good driver though.

So now I'm getting progressive bifocals. Or at least, I will, after I find someone to measure my pupillary distance. I can't do it myself. I guess I could do it in front of a webcam, and then look at the video, but I don't know how accurate that would be.

Anyway, other than that, I've gotten my etsy shop started, and I've been knitting Pokémon, Legend of Zelda hats, and other cool stuff.

Right now I'm taking a break from bleak house. I'm listening to Librivox's audiobook because my audiobook hasn't come in yet.

*shoots self in head*

I taught ballet for my teacher today! I substituted for her because she had to be somewhere. it was really fun. and the students had fun too.

Also: Bleak House… in your pants.

so excited!!

I got a job.

I'm teaching pre-pointe at a local Christian dance studio! They don't have any girls en pointe right now, but I'm developing a curriculum to put them on. I'm so. freaking. excited.

I love teaching ballet.

!!!!!!

Thank you God!!

Lists

I shall add to these lists as I deem necessary.

Things I hate:

• Boys
• boys who flirt
• boys who stalk my sisters
• tests
• going to bed past 10:30

Things I love

• Chocolate
• Hot Chocolate
• Waking up with the sun
• Books
• Advanced Reading Copies from really good publishers (maybe it's a reviewer's thing)
• Libraries
• working on my books
• Yarn
• Sewing
• Dolls with curly hair
• Boys with curly hair
• Doing the dishes while it rains outside

Things I want to do this summer:

• Finish all my books for review
• finish my novel
• dance and get back in shape
• find something I can knit and sell to make money
• knit Christmas gifts so I can relax over the fall semester…
• go to the beach with my puppy

Things I want to do when I go back to school:

• teach ballet
• dance and get back in shape
• get my dancer legs back

Photo love

yup. been there.

 

makes me sigh.

 

^^

 

bwahahahahaha!

 

<3

guilt

so here's the thing: this diet I was doing for school was taking over my life. After only three weeks I was at the point where I felt guilty for eating a brownie or peanut butter or a chicken patty. and the study was for my stress management class.

ironic?

so I'm done. I did it for about three weeks, and I'm going to put two of the three weeks up on the records and explain I couldn't continue doing it because of money, time, and stress, and how eventually I want to do the experiment on other people and for a long term. however, I did manage to drop my body fat percentage and weight over said two weeks. so I did what I set out to do. but for now, I'm done.

tonight for dinner, I hate a hamburger and pizza crust and a half a brownie and the whipped cream off a piece of cake. and I felt guilty for it and had to remind myself that I am now done with the retarded diet and I can eat what I want.

but even now I feel guilty.

I hate it! I want to be back at 130 or more pounds. and even though I won't look quite as great in a leotard, I chose to be satisfied with my body because I will never be thin enough to make myself happy.

see, I've always wanted to be about 115. I could do it if I worked really hard and had the time to exercise. but I like food. and I like it when my jeans fit. and I like having boobs.

but the thing is… even when I was down to 122 with a 14.8 body fat percentage, I still thought my legs were fat. I thought they weren't as fat, but I still looked at them and thought "ew. chubby jiggly yuck."

but unless I lost all my body fat and toned my muscles completely, I will never be satisfied. and the guilt I felt would have eventually, if I'd let myself keep going, become an eating disorder. not anorexia or bulimia, but still disordered eating to the point where I would be obsessed with losing weight.

thank God I'll never be a ballerina. He knew what He was doing by giving me bad arches and crappy knees and no turnout. He was saving me.

all I can say is, if you're not happy with your body, try changing it. you may change for good and be satisfied with the new change… or  you may learn that you were satisfied all along.

with my boys

Lately I haven't been going upstairs to eat in the dining hall because I got sick a few times from going up there. But recently I've discovered that if I'm really careful and I take the time to get the good stuff (even though I have to wait in long lines) I don't get sick.

so today I was up there and I saw Dylan. he was at a tiny table but he moved to a bigger one so I could sit with him. then Jace and his roommate and best friend showed up so I got a good dose of stupid guys today.

the thing about my guy friends is… they're all pretty fun to be around. they're laid back, they don't b!t@h about crap and gossip about people, and they don't complain about stupid things. they talk, they tell jokes (although some of them they force me to cover my ears for) and they act retarded just because they can. I love my boys.

it was nice seeing jace again. we hadn't really sat down and had a conversation for a long time… maybe since that first night of the semester? it's a lot easier to be around him now that he's dating someone.

finishing up the paperwork for my special studies major: ballet pedagogy. I will be the first dance major to graduate from my university. im that awesome.

more later.

<3

So apparently…

Well. Let's start with Thursday night.

Thursday night my roommate came in with a friend of hers right before I was getting into bed. she said it was an emergency because her friend's boyfriend cheated on her. so they got ready to go out and get drunk (her friend's words—I… plan on making out with…someone…tonight. Don't care who. If he had fun, I deserve to have fun.).  right before they left, my roomie told me "oh, my boyfriend's coming Friday."

so I assumed it was yesterday Friday. or let's pretend it's Thursday: I assumed "oh he's coming tomorrow."

anyway, I hauled all my stuff up to the common's room and slept there (4th floor!) because I didn't want to sleep in a room with a man in there. I had texted her and asked if he could stay somewhere else and she was like "it's not my friend's job to host him, and we can't pay for a hotel. we're not going to do anything we're just going to sleep." anyway I slept in the commons room: by the way: did you know the lights are motion activated? did you know I toss and turn when I sleep? did you know I lost circulation about a dozen times because I was trying not to move and set off the motion sensor?

I had a sucky night.

came home this morning and they weren't in. either they left—and took his stuff?—or she meant next Friday. I'll have to ask her again.

if it is next Friday, I'm going to be prepared and contact my church and see if I can spend the night at someone's house that weekend. I'm not sleeping in there, and I don't ever want to have to sleep in a common's room again.

motion activated lights? really??

and my dream! omigoodness! I dreamed I was one of my characters, and I had this amazing knife (she throws knives at people. she doesn't like guns. she likes knives!!!! bwahahaha!!! sorry.) that was like a foot and a half long, and it could slice through bone like butter. I dreamed I took a slice out of someone's head like cutting a piece of cake. and decapitations? fun stuff.

ok that wasn't morbid at all. does that say something about me? or was it just a bad idea to write a fiction novel about a crazy Russian assassin right before bed?

on the bright side, I've been teaching this girl extra ballet classes, and she's doing really well. I'm remembering how much I love teaching!

minor random awkward detail: I found an AMAZING push-up bra on sale at walmart, and it makes me actually look like I have some shape up top! and it was only eight dollars! I'm going back today for another one. and for some milk. I'm out of milk. I can't make cocoa or oat meal or cereal without milk.

and potatoes. might need more of those. I've been eating baked potatoes (made in the microwave) with all sorts of fixings on them for dinner each night, because it's cheap and healthy. and the food in the dining hall makes me sick.

and I'm going to try to sell my block meals. we'll see how that goes.

I don't ramble at all.

<3

OH random.

so I forgot to mention.

last sunday (after Jace and Sam helped me raise my bed) I found out two things:

1) they are in the room right above me. lol.

2) jace came to church last sunday :))))))

which is awesome because I've been praying for him literally since I met him. I hope he comes back.

ok. off to the gym to attempt to do ballet.

<3333333333333333333

as demanded

well I've been told specifically that I need to blog again because certain friends enjoy stalking my life. obviously I'm slightly more interesting than I thought I was.

so basically.

the weekend after the move, my roommate's boyfriend came up to visit her. I won't go into details, but let's just say it was awkward. and this is coming from me: who doesn't really truly know the meaning of awkward? yeahhhhh o.0

ok. so.

as mentioned, Jace is talking to me again. I still have no idea what was going on, but I think I jumped to an incorrect conclusion. he gets up at about 6:30 and goes to the gym, so I see him monday/wednesday/friday briefly (can I just say… that boy looks wonderful? :D) , but we don't eat lunch together anymore :\ I haven't been able to catch him on tuesday/thursday and I don't want to drive him crazy.

I started dancing, as mentioned. it's quite wonderful. my cd should be coming soon, so I'll be able to dance by myself as well as in class. in fact I'll probably head over to the studio tonight and dance so I get my legs stretched out a little. unless someone offers to go to the event that's happening on campus. but as I don't have a ton of friends, I doubt anyone will. I'm doing well in dance. I've had two classes, I did some double pirouettes—they weren't good, but they were doubles!!—I got my scorpion back, and my strength is slowly returning. flexibility, not so much. everything hurts. I can't even pee without being in pain.

not like you wanted to know that random awkward detail.

I'm also eating ice cream more because apparently, 17% body fat isn't healthy.

I love how I go from ballet to ice cream.

I have this one friend. we'll call her Nelly (you know who you are) who is the most gorgeous girl ever. some crazy stupid blind people might think she's "big," (which she isn't) but most people just think she's curvy and beautiful. and she's got this incredible smile and beautiful eyes that make everyone just want to curl up and die in happiness. and she's a sweetie. she brings me great joy.

:p

and see, I'd kill for a body like hers. but I can't get it. –sigh-

anyway.

I'm working on my book a little bit here and there. but I have a lot of reading to do this semester, so I don't get a lot of time.

and—also—I now have a penname. so my books are on a different website and some of my poetry is up there.

and that's all for now. I'll be blogging more often I think, mostly with my phone though. because see… I don't like to carry my computer with me?… and my phone is a lot easier.

so yeah.

<3

Soooo confused

Ok. So.

First Jace flirts with me. then he seems uninterested, but likes to talk to me. We eat lunch together w/ his friend three times a week, and I have class with him the other two days. he'll text me and we talk after classes about our books and characters and dreams (the literal ones, about zombie-filled jewelry shops and aliens in dorm buildings) and say things like "text me and we'll hang out."

so then I text him. and he implies that he doesn't want to hang out. so I figure I'm annoying him and give him a break from me, and just talk to him when I see him.

then he flirts again. he teases me and touches my hair and knocks into me on purpose. today he stole my cucumber off of my plate.

I'm so confused. I don't know what he wants and I can't tell if I'm annoying him or not. and unless he has some major revival or something, I'm never going to marry the guy.

I mean he could change. I hope I'm around to see it, I hope I can be the tool God uses to show him what a Christian really lives like. Because right now, he ain't livin' it.

Anyway. that's what's annoying me right now.

And that on every episode on NCIS Saturday the criminal was trying to kill Abby. And she's my favorite.

I got three boxes in the mail today, and a letter and a small parcel. I ended up getting a card from a sweet lady in our church, three books, and two pairs of pointe shoes <3 <3 <3 so excited about those shoes!!!!! I'm currently working on fixing them. I've put about two hours into them so far, it'll take about four more before they're usable.

and I'm working on a few knitting projects. :)

<?

Danny Boy

Thursday was the first day of fall break :D I goofed off and was lazy and slept in but then went to the library and read my Bible for a while and tried to get stuff done. Didn't really get a lot done, but that's ok. Who cares, right? Went to lunch and saw Jace, so I ate with him and his roommate for a while. Went back to my room and looked at the new books I got that day in the mail… some awesome looking young adult hard-covers that'll eventually go to my local library.

that night i had a really horrible dream. i dreamed that there was an alien who was going around and killing students. it was a vampire alien. it would kill the roommate and then circle back and kill the one that was left when it was done with that hall. i decided, because i was smart, that i would kill it. so i went to my RA and told her to get a butcher knife from the kitchen and i got Jace to teach me how to shoot a gun. (idk if he actually knows how to shoot a gun in real life btw) so i fiddled with the light switch and made it motion activated, and put duct tape over one corner so it wouldn't turn on until the alien was close enough for me to kill it the first time the second the light turns on. so here i was thinking it would be hard to kill.

easiest thing i've ever killed in my life. (because of course in my dream i'd killed lots of stuff.)

anyway. the alien was scary. it looked like the one from Signs.

On Friday I went to the gym and danced en pointe (my sister brought me my 5 1/2 4X M shoes and they still have suede on the bottom!!! yay!) they felt SO DAMN GOOD IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!

sorry. shouldn't say that.

but really they did. it felt SO GOOD to be up on my toes again, over my arches and out of my feet. i did some echapes and some chase arabesques and some piques and such.

then i took a niiiiice hoooot shower in the gym.

while i was stretching, i listened to my music. i was listening and singing to Danny Boy by The Hunt Family… which is an awesome arrangement btw. beautiful and haunting, the way it should be. so i was singing it (i was alone in the studio) and later when i was in the dining hall, this guy kept looking at me. i ignored him (thanks to Voldemort, i'm good at that… don't you love my fake names! hah.) but later he passed me and was singing Danny Boy softly to himself.

Well, he was trying to get my attention. But when guys try to get my attention, i don't give it to them.

so i didn't ask and i just left.

i was gonna hang out with Jace but he left for some special magic game competition.

Saturday i didn't do much. Knit, read, ate in my room.

Today, I didn't have a ride to church so I sorta did the same thing: chilled and did nothing. But I went to the dining hall at about 6-ish because i REALLY wanted chocolate and it was too late to go to walmart and get some but i knew it would probably be dark by the time i got back. Jace was back from his thing so we talked for a while. i was so much in my "weird mode" from not socializing all week that i said some pretty wacky things. i was totally rambling. definitely made myself look like an idiot.

but then i'm ok with that, because i kinda am an idiot.

w/e.

he left and i stayed and finished my chocolate cup cake. <3 his roommate was still there so we talked for a while—i don't remember what about—but in the end he was flirting with me. i was like 'great. here we go again.'

i totally won our argument btw.

now i'm back in my room and working on my book. i love these characters! I put Derek and Jace in the book and it is turning out WAY better than if i'd left it the way it was before.

and that has been my weekend.

i have monday and tuesday left of break. i have several books to read, some articles to read, a test to study for, and a walmart trip to make… i think i can do it.

we'll see.

<3

…There's a song about that I think…

yesterday.

something something something….yeah. i guess i don't know it. nvm.

yesterday was a good day. thursday night i went to bed at like… 8pm? …. not kidding. i was SO tired. woke up at about 2am and was up until about 4, then slept until 7-ish. i got up and got to starbucks by 8 and did my bible study there. got a caramel apple spice. those things are so good :) and they don't have caffeine! yay!

so. then i went to class. we talked about babies and serial killers (not in the same sentence) and then she tried to convince people to run in the 5k. i was going to.

(keep that in mind.)

so then i went to the UC and chilled for a while. then i went to my other class where they had a debate (and i got to sit and listen and pretend to be interested :D) and then i went to the dining hall and ate panda express. saw Jace on his way to his class.

then i went to starbucks and fought with an html layout. it's still not exactly the way it's supposed to look… but it's getting there. I'm not sure what to do about it.

Then i went to the gym and danced for a while. that was fun. well… ballet is fun in the sense that it's painful and hard and horrible, but still manages to make someone feel beautiful.

then i went to the UC again and ate a piece of pizza, then i went to my dorm and dropped off my dirty dance clothes (EWWW :P) then i went back to starbucks and worked on my book for a while. only got a few scenes done though. i'm not very inspired right now.

or rather, i'm inspired, but not for the books i'm working on. i'm inspired for the ones i haven't started yet.

maybe when i'm sure i'll never see him again, i'll tell you about the story i'm planning on doing… voldemort's basic character would be in it. but until i move out of the state forever or he dies, i'm not going to write it. i'd get so wrapped up in it i might hunt him down and wring his neck.

well, probably not. but i'd certainly fantasize about it.

so i woke up this morning at 7 to get up and get dressed and go for the 5k run. and i was FREEZING. i don't have any of my good legwarmers or tights out here, either (i figured, 'im not dancing, i don't need these' and forgot that as a ballerina, i wear dance stuff whether i'm dancing or not) so i turned off the alarm and laughed at the idea of running in sixty degree weather without warmers. i slept under a microfleece blanket and down comforter until 9:30.

then i texted Jace to see what he was up to, because Derek gave me this tv show series that he wants me to watch and there's no way i'll get through it by myself, and i figured it would be fun to watch it together. but he won't text me back.

what is it with that boy and not texting me on saturdays? that's the day i need to be entertained!! everything is closed out here on saturdays :\

stupid boy.

<3