who you know, by all means. you can always google stuff you don't know.
Mar 28, 2011
Idk if i had blogged about this, but for the pas two months i taught ballet to whoever showed up in the times i was there. I had one regular student and one who came when her knees werent too screwed up. Well yesterday my sstudent gave me a new leotard! Its beautiful. Its a dark royal blue, pieced, and fits perfect.
If only my thighs didnt look chunky.
Cant wait to wear it today though. I might videotape me dancing to show my mom
Mar 26, 2011
Mar 25, 2011
this is a working list I am compiling for boys who don't understand girls. any questions? leave a comment. girls: any additions? same; leave a comment and I'll add it.
- if you want to show your girl how much you adore her, sending her flowers is nice and all, but she'd much rather you sit down and talk to her for an hour or so.
- if she's mad, let her talk. let her scream. let her yell and throw things. then when she's done, explain. but LET HER GET IT OUT FIRST or she'll just get irritated. and don't think kissing her will help. it'll just get you a smack in the face.
- if you think she's in a bad mood, don't ask "are you in a bad mood?" because the mood will get worse. and she'll probably lie about it anyway. so just hug her or make her laugh or if all else fails, just sit there and don't do anything. yes you are doing something to help: you're helping her release stress.
- yes she does want your hoodies. probably your jeans and sweat pants, too. and they have to smell like you (after a shower).
- Don't call her sexy or cute or hot. well you can once in a while, but not regularly. she wants to hear "Beautiful."
- she'll deny it to her grave but she does want you to tickle her.
- a little bit of PDA is ok but don't embarrass her.
- if she starts complaining about something, don't try to fix it or do anything about it. all she needs is someone to talk to and she'll be ok (unless she asks for help)
- one week a month she'll be a disaster. it's not her fault. she needs extra hugs.
- don't. forget. her. birthday.
- Anything you say or do with another girl that you don't want her to know is considered cheating.
- the best way to calm her down is to make her laugh. preferably at you or something else, and not herself.
- don't show off your muscles. she don't need you to flex for us to notice. the second you show off, she thinks you're disgusting.
- if you tell anyone a secret she's shared with you, she won't trust you for a really. long. time.
- please. she doesn't want to smell you until you're hugging her. go light on the cologne.
- if you say something that makes you look or feel like a moron and you get nervous or embarrassed, she thinks it's cute. so smile and don't worry about it.
Last night roommie watched 27 Dresses. I like that movie. I like Kevin even more. Omigoodnesshessexy.
Skipping gym this morning for homework.
Mar 24, 2011
Last night was amazing.
so this guy approached me last semester some time in October when crazy Jesus preacher man came to campus. I had gone to preacher man and talked to him and tried to convince him that yelling and screaming at people would not turn them to Christ. He'd come up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me because I was crying pretty hard. in fact some kid did a youtube video about crazy Jesus man, and in this one part you can hear me crying. it's horrible.
the guy came up to me a few days later and told me that he was really encouraged by me because of my tears, because it showed him that I truly loved Jesus. personally I don't think I love Jesus as much as I should—well that's a silly thing to say because nobody does—but it kind of hit me funny, because that was exactly what I had wanted to tell Brad (see sidebar if you don't remember that story). and I hadn't. I knew how much bravery it took to do what he did for me.
or maybe it was easy for him and I'm just really introverted. I dunno.
anyway we eventually became friends on facebook. I saw him post one day that he was leading a Bible study outside starbucks at 8, so I left him a note that I'd be there and I came.
and see, for the past few days, I'd been praying for some Christian friends that are nice to be around and don't make me feel guilty for hanging out with them and like to talk about real God stuff, not just Bible jokes (coughjacecough) and I met these kids and they were awesome. as far as names, I only remember the one guy who was leading it and one other girl. We'll call Bible-study-leader-boy "Will" and the girl I remember "Bethany." (they might come into play in this interesting story of my life later, so it's good to give them names now.)
the point is, it was really nice. I felt so good after spending time with them. the study went from 8-9:30, and then we got starbucks (well, they got starbucks, I managed to stick to my diet) and talked for another half hour at least. it was just really edifying and relaxing to know that I wouldn't hear a swear word or a sex joke and that I could talk about Jesus without feeling like I was preaching at my friends.
I'm totally going back.
I went to the dining hall today, and on my way out to leave I saw jace and sam, his roommate. they made me sit down and talk to them for almost an hour. it was nice. it wasn't awkward like I thought it might be, and it wasn't emotionally hard for me either.
I think I can manage to hang around him as long as it's few and far between. but I'm not doing the lunch every day thing. I don't trust myself enough for that. I'm too easily distracted.
I'm going to youth group tonight at 7:30. it's with some of the same kids from last night. I'm really excited.
Thank you Jesus :)
on a totally random note, we had a tornado warning last night. there was a lot of wind but we didn't end up having a tornado.
Went to a bible study with some realy awesome people last night. I had just been praying for some friends, specificaly ones that wanted to be around me. And this concert was key: i want friends who make of want to be a better Christian and love God more. Jace makes of want to rush rules and do my own thing.
But maybe once i get to know these friends i can introduce Jace to them.
I still pray for him.
Mar 23, 2011
By day, he worked in the post office as a letter sorter, while at night he prowled parks and public toilets, looking for homosexual pickups.
~The Serial Killer files by Harold Schechter
It’s national book week. The rules are, grab the closest book to you, turn to page 56, post the 5th sentence as your status. Don’t mention the title. Copy the rules as part of your status.
I decided I wasn't posting that as my status. so I blogged it ;)
Mar 22, 2011
to follow Jesus!
well yes but actually this post is about sleeping. or rather, pajamas.
I have decided that pajamas are the best things in the world. I have really soft fluffy pretty PINK pajamas and they bring me great joy.
my brother once said something along the lines of "I want to wear my pajamas all day" and my dad (in his usual manner) started singing about it.
see, my dad… he sings about things. he picks a random tune and he makes up a stupid song. some of them are really funny! but others are retarded.
this was a funny one.
it goes like this:
I want to stay all day in my pajamas
'cause that's the thing I want to do
I want to stay all day in my pajamas
don't call my name I'll hide from you.
and it had a few other verses. I don't remember them all.
so I have my PINK pajamas and a PINK shirt that says:
Reasons why you love me:
- I'm awesome <3
- You have good taste
- I look good in anything :)
- I'm hi-larious!
- I'm brilliant
- you're brilliant. XOXOXO
and it also brings me great. PINK. joy.
can you tell I'm trying to blog and I don't have anything to write about?? *whispers –shhhhh don't tell!—*
so yeah. off to take a shower and then go to lunch. Saw Jace and Sam in the gym this morning because I've decided to start waking up early every morning instead of just three times a week. I'm sort of trying to avoid them but not in a mean way. I don't need more Voldemorts.
Mar 20, 2011
I've decided I'm going to have to back off. It's harder to remember the reasons I can't marry Jace when I'm seeing him and spending time with him all the time and he's being funny and sweet and charming. It was easier over Christmas and during the short two weeks where for some reason he didn't talk to me. Maybe he was doing the same thing like mom originally said?
or maybe he's just a clueless boy. I dunno.
either way, I've made my decision. I'm not going to ignore him, but I'm not going to try to find him at lunch, I'm not going to text him just to talk to someone, I'm not going to look for him at the gym. If I run into him that's fine, and if he wants to do something I'm game, but he generally doesn't and I don't think he will because he's less social than I am. And that's pretty antisocial.
Plus he's hanging out with another girl now. And last time I sort of felt bad when he was hanging out with his girl and I was sitting next to his roommate awkwardly watching them flirt. so I'm not going to do that again.
anyway, I'm at peace about it. it sticks because he's really one of my only friends on campus and I like him a lot for who he is, I just think I like him a little too much and he doesn't return that. I need to make more friends. besides, he's a senior next year and I don't want to invest all my time in one person who is going to be gone next may and probably not connect up with me again… he's not really one to chill on facebook or call up an old buddy just for kicks.
so there's that.
Mar 18, 2011
Mar 17, 2011
the question is "why is a raven like a writing desk."
This is a poem I found in my stress management textbook (of all places) and it reminded me of my character, Ivan. he dies. It's a sad sweet violent death because the female protagonist loves him.
Do not stand there at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentile autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there. I did not die.
this is a response post to Date a Girl Who Reads, which was a response to Date a girl…something else… I don't remember.
Date a girl who writes. She's hard to find because she's the one who stands in the corner of the room watching other people from a distance. She's the one who searches their faces and watches their body language. She stands close enough that she can hear but far enough away so that she won't be seen. She's a master at invisibility, and all the smart girls know she's the best at eavesdropping. They go to her for the gossip. She knows who is in love with who just by watching them.
You'll be a lucky man if you find her. She's the one with a journal in her hand, a notebook in her purse, scrap paper in her car, and pencils in her back pocket. she's always scribbling something, praying it won't evaporate before she gets it down onto paper. and because she's always scribbling, she's always looking down, and that's why you never noticed her before.
if you're lucky, you'll find her at a library or in a park or at a coffee shop or in an airport, drinking coffee and watching people or typing furiously at her computer. If you see her looking at you, look back and wait.
if she looks away she doesn't want to be interrupted and she doesn't want you to notice her, so pretend you don't. but if you can get her to look at you and not look away, she wants to talk to you. she's targeted you, pursuing you, inviting you. once she catches your eye, once she hears your voice that first time, she begins her profile. she's the one who will have your character in 10 seconds and have you completely profiled in 10 minutes.
after two weeks she'll know you better than you know yourself.
if you catch her muttering to herself, don't feel awkward, she's talking with the characters in her story, probably arguing about what happens next.
don't lie to her because she knows. she can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice, sense it in your energy field. she pays attention to every detail of your every word and if you're not careful, she'll ask the question that strips your lie away and you'll be humiliated.
so tell the damn truth.
If something is wrong, you may as well tell her because she'll figure it out. When something is wrong, you may as well tell her because otherwise she'll jump to the most absurd, most outlandish, most creative but ridiculous possibilities anyone could ever come up with, and when the truth comes out and she tells you what she thought, you'll remind her she's crazy, and she'll remind you that she knows this because of the voices, and you'll both laugh and hug and go on with life.
It's easy to shop for a girl who writes: office supplies like sticky notes and pencils, calendars, and especially beautiful journals will bring her immense joy because she knows that blank paper is the beginning of a new person, a new life, a new world. and holding that blank notebook in her hands lets her feel the power she knows exists inside her soul.
If you find out she's upset, don't ask her why, just let her cry until she hands you her journal and goes to stand by the window until you finish reading her most recent entry. She could never tell you what was wrong with her mouth because her soul is in her hands. once you read that entry, skip back in her journal and read the parts about you, because if she handed you her journal and walked away, it means she wants you to read it. she wants you to know that she dreams about becoming your only love every night, and that she has the whole thing planned out.
then once you know the plan, carry it out. she'll play along.
she'll write the wedding invitations, and the baby announcements, and stories for your children. she'll write you letters in your lunch every day and put sweet sensual notes on your pillow in the evenings. she'll ramble on and on as you take long walks along the beach and tell you all about a world that doesn't exist, and people who were never born and will never die and whom she loves as much as she loves your children, because her characters are just more of her children.
don't feel like you didn't help create them because chances are, if you love a girl who writes, there's a piece of you embedded in every hero, and a piece of herself in every heroine. you can sleep at night knowing that even after you both die, you'll both continue to live together in everyone else's minds through her books and stories, and you can live a thousand nights in stories that never end.
I did eventually find my journal. lost and found picked it up and nobody read it, not even my teacher who saw it briefly but didn't open it.
nothing huge or exciting or important happened today, I had ballet and my knee didn't dislocate. that was nice.
mainly I'm still fighting to get my head back on straight about jace. it'll take some work. I'm not going to seek him out. if he finds me and we hang out that's fine, but I'm going to let it just happen, I'm not going to go find him. it's just too hard. he's a great guy. he's just not the right one.
been debating posting the list. might do that eventually but for now it's still handwritten on a piece of pretty paper inside my journal. which is now almost full.
I really burn through journals.
im not random or anything.
Mar 15, 2011
He wants me to eat lunch with him again. We have the same days off and i've foung that i can eat certain foods in the cafeteria without getting sick.
His girlfriend and his facebook dont say they're dating anymore. But it doesnt say they're single either.
Stupid boy. But i cant not hang out with him because he's still my favorite.
Mar 11, 2011
I lost my diary.
that thing has EVERYTHING in it! it has my homework assignments and my to-do lists and my prayers and my loves and hates and secrets and dreams and MY LIST! I'VE LOST MY LIST!!!!!
(the list hasn't been blogged about yet, you say? oh dear, say I.)
the list: (noun) a detailed wishlist of things I want in a husband. at the top it says "do not settle" and proceeds to outline 28 (so far) requirements (well not all of them are required) that I won't let go of or disregard when searching for my soulmate. example: "I will never date Jace because he only meets 11 out of 28 requirements on my list!"
I had it in my writing class, and then next thing I knew I went to take it out of my backpack and it wasn't in there. now the worst thing that could happen would be someone finds it and publishes it in the school newspaper, but the likelihood of that happening is slim because my handwriting is attrocious. and so is my spelling. quite obviously.
the second worse thing that could happen would be it never gets returned. it's got a lot of stuff in there that I NEED! there's a reason I wrote it down.
the third worse thing would be if one of my friends found it. specifically jace. it would be rather embarrassing.
not like I talk about him all the time. I mean I did in my other journals because he was a regular in my life. but not so much now. but still.
oy. must. find. journal. *winces and cries softly*
I mean, it says inside with a silver sharpie marker "please return!!!!" and has my name, address, and phone number, so there is no excuse.
but im having flashbacks of my novel. the character looses her diary and the protagonist finds it and falls in love with her.
PLEASE GOD LET ME FIND IT BEFORE ANYONE ELSE DOES………
Mar 10, 2011
Lately I haven't been going upstairs to eat in the dining hall because I got sick a few times from going up there. But recently I've discovered that if I'm really careful and I take the time to get the good stuff (even though I have to wait in long lines) I don't get sick.
so today I was up there and I saw Dylan. he was at a tiny table but he moved to a bigger one so I could sit with him. then Jace and his roommate and best friend showed up so I got a good dose of stupid guys today.
the thing about my guy friends is… they're all pretty fun to be around. they're laid back, they don't b!t@h about crap and gossip about people, and they don't complain about stupid things. they talk, they tell jokes (although some of them they force me to cover my ears for) and they act retarded just because they can. I love my boys.
it was nice seeing jace again. we hadn't really sat down and had a conversation for a long time… maybe since that first night of the semester? it's a lot easier to be around him now that he's dating someone.
finishing up the paperwork for my special studies major: ballet pedagogy. I will be the first dance major to graduate from my university. im that awesome.
Mar 7, 2011
Yesterday in church Pastor read a verse i'd been looking for: 1 peter 3:15, and it says be ready to give an answer but say it in gentleness and respect and love. I thought about when preacherman came to school last october and how i'd been looking for that verse. So i wrote it down and put a star by it so i wouldn't forget it.
And of course today... Preacher man is here.
Funny how that worked out, hu? I gave him a piece of paper that said " 1 peter 3:15: love" and just walked away.
Dylan is going to dress up like Jesus and ramble about history to draw people away from him, and i'm going to be there with my Bible. We'll see how this goes.
*edit* Didn't see Dylan and there was no crowd, so I just got out of there.
Mar 1, 2011
So I found out that there are two City Ballets. (I'm calling it City Ballet instead of Cityname Ballet). One of them is a studio, one is the company. and the address the artistic director was wrong so my gps led me to an empty street corner. I was so confused.
But I know my way around that part of the city!
Home for spring break. I didn't tell my sister so when she saw me she was like "what the hell are you doing here?" then she started crying and hugging me. it was so sweet.
over break I've been working for my dad and making some money, working on my book, and working at the theatre painting a set that my dad doesn't have time to do (but we need to work in exchange for getting out ad in the playbill).
so far it's been really nice. I'm sorta missing the mountains though. I don't miss the food or the boredom. I miss dancing. I miss the gym. I miss the freedom. but I love my family and they aren't bad.
saw voldemort the other day in walmart. sorta freaked me out. I didn't expect him to be there because it was so late in the evening. he smiled at me and looked really confused and waved. I wanted to go hide behind something. he freaks me out for some reason. I guess now that I don't have a good reason to hate him—besides poking me in the arm with a dead crayfish—I'm back to where I was in high school. still haven't added him on facebook though. I deleted him when I thought he'd texted my little sister about dirty sex. (that was resolved).
but he sorta sticks in my head. maybe that's because he's inspired several of my books, or maybe it's just because he's annoying. what if I run into him again? ugh. I need to go back to school. or he needs to disappear forever and never bother me again, not even in my head.
and my daddy needs to find me a husband. fast. because there are creepy people everywhere I go and I can't say "im married" because it's a lie right now.
and im tired and rambling so don't listen to anythign I say.