Aug 31, 2010
my heart is racing but I can't breathe—I can't breathe!!—and my chest and arms are hot, but my fingers are numb. my legs are jittery and my mouth is sticky—Still can't breathe!—I'm dizzy because i'm hyperventilating but i can't get enough oxygen to calm down. I rub my legs to make sure they're still alive and haven't stopped working. they're bouncing.
i almost get up. i can't miss class. but—Oh God—I can't breathe.
i know that. there's nothing wrong. my heart is healthy. im strong. shoot, im a beast.
i'm going to die.
before i know what i'm doing, i've stood up and asked my teacher where the doctors office is. she tells me how to get there and i leave quickly. i throw away the remainder of my coffee—i'm never drinking coffee again!—and exit the classroom. she said it was outside across the street. but there are too many doors to go out, and there are too many "across the streets" to figure out which one she meant. i walk towards one hall, then change my mind and walk back, then stop. I don't know which one!!
I pick one and scream in my head nothings wrong! i'm fine! i need to calm down. but my legs are working too fast. my arms are tingling a little and my mouth is so sticky that i don't know if i can open it.
i ask a stranger where the building is and she points to the one two buildings away from me. I try to walk controlled, but end up power walking, which doesn't help my heart rate. my chest isn't quite as hot now, because it's chilly outside. my head doesn't hurt as bad either.
i get inside and the smell of cleaner hits me like a wall. i freak out again. i hate the smell of cleaner because about a year ago i nearly fried my brain with bleach and windex (well, it felt like i nearly fried my brain. i was just fine after a day, but i can't clean the bathroom with bleach or windex to this day).
there's nobody at the desk.
i finally got to the doctors and now there's nobody here! i'm going to fall over dead and nobody will know!
a voice snaps me out of my mindset. he tells me to fill out a form.
i don't want to fill out a freaking form! i want to see a doctor and make sure there's nothing wrong with me! it seems like if i hear those words, if a doctor says them, i know i'll be ok. just somebody tell me i'm not going to die.
i rush and fill out the form, and because my handwriting is so bad the lady gets me into the system as the wrong person. i don't find out until later.
they ask me if i want water. water? what would i do with water? it's hot in here again and my arms and legs won't stop moving and i'm hyperventilating again.
"I don't know." i say. because i don't. will water make me feel better? will it make it go away? will it keep me from dying?
"Well, if you feel like you're going to pass out, lay down on your back."
pass out! oh my God. He thinks i might pass out. maybe i will. i've never passed out before. what does it feel like? is it scary? is it better than this feeling? because if it is, i'll do anything it takes to pass out.
i just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling normal again.
what does normal feel like again? I'm scared.
"a nurse will come for you in just a second."
a second? a few minutes? fifteen minutes? the lady at the desk leaves. i'm terrified but i'm not sure what i'm scared of.
now i'm alone! i don't realize it but i've picked the healing scab off of my thumbs, and my cuticles, the ones that took weeks to grow back, are gone on my thumbs too. my brain tells me to knock it off, that picking won't help, but i can't. i can't stop moving. i feel like i'll explode.
Finally i get in to see a doctor. finally the doctor talks to me. the whole time i'm crying and shaking. he's nice, he holds my hands and helps me stop shaking for a while. and i'm scared. i don't know what i'm scared of, but i'm scared.
he says i can just wait until it stops (which would be fine but i might die before then!) or he can give me medicine.
i hate medicine. i refused to take meds for depression years ago, and i won't even talk about a prescription now. i don't even take pain meds when im on my period or when my mouth hurts or when my knee is out. i grin and bare it. but at that point, all i want to do is fall asleep instantly and wake up and be able to think.
because that's what happens every time. i agree—reluctantly—and when he leaves to get me some medicine i text my parents. pray fore me. then i remember how to spell and i fix it. they text back quickly that they are.
i want to pray and make it go away. i know in my head that Jesus can make it stop but i can't remember how to get from here to there. I just say Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. until the doctor leads me to a recliner.
they give me half a pill because i hardly ever take medicine. it freaks me out. what will it feel like? will it happen slowly? will i be able to feel my arms and legs? they're still twitching a little. i drink all the water and take the pill, hoping that it isn't too bad.
i lay back and they give me a blanket. it's warm, but i'm hot from my heart beating too fast too hard too often. i push it down to my knees.
he said it would make me tired, i'm still scared. how long will it take to dissolve into my blood? will i sink away slowly or will i just wake up later?
i just remember holding on to the button they gave me in case i need them. i almost push it a few times, but tell myself that im ok even though i don't feel like it.
i don't remember when i fell asleep. i think i laid there for about twenty minutes, fearful, breathing hard, crying, and with a cramp in my side. eventually i fell asleep. i remember dreaming that i woke up, unhooked my overalls, and rolled over. i dreamed it several times, which is my body's way of saying "wake up and do this!"
so eventually, about two hours later, i woke up and unhooked my overalls. they were hurting my arms. i fell asleep for another fifteen minutes or so, but when i woke up…
it was like the fog had lifted.
and i realized I was a nutcase for thinking that i'd die even though i'm healthy… i eat salad twice a day. i drink fluids (probably not enough, but still). i didn't have too much caffeine that day. so what had caused me to freak out over absolutely nothing?
I sighed and stood up. i stretched and made sure i wasn't dizzy or ditzy from the meds. thank God i'd only had a half a dose, or i'd have been out for six hours or something.
the doctor smiled and said "welcome back to the world."
and really, that's what it was like. it was like waking up after a bad dream.
that's what a panic attack is like. irrational fear over absolutely nothing.
so. that was my morning. how was yours? :)
Aug 26, 2010
(hope I spelled that right.)
Here's the quick and dirty on the past four days.
- My Criminal Justice teacher is freaking awesome. She would have used a different word that freaking, I'm sure you can figure it out if you think about it long enough. She cusses in class all the time. Now normally I'm offended by language, but somehow, someway, she can get away with it without being offensive. Maybe she's putting it into context? Idk. My characters in my books cuss sometimes, and it doesn't bug me. Maybe it's the same. When she talks about serial killers and crack dealers and murderers, saying shit doesn't seem abnormal.
- I still have no idea what to expect from Internet Security and Ethics... no idea whatsoever.
- My Literature teacher is cool!!! I can't wait for his class. He's got this prestigious look about him and he talks like he's totally at ease. which he probably is. he has so much knowledge about his field that it radiates from him, almost tangibly. when he walked into the room, it was silent. he had this aura of "I know more than you do so shut up and listen," but it was a nice respectful "shut up." he demands respect in the way he speaks and holds himself.
- My geology teacher is cool but... shoot guys. we learned about the big bang today. and it was incredible how ironic it was. here's why: she would constantly say "does that make sense to you guys?" and yes, hypothetically i understood what she was saying. but it amazes me that the science behind the nebula theory and the creation of the earth is so illogical, anyone in the second grade could see it. and yet they're all brainwashed.
- "so you date the fossils by the rocks, and you date the rocks by the fossils. how does that work?"
- Where did the star come from that exploded and made the solar system?
- if the disk that created the planets determines which direction the planets rotate, and all the planets rotate around the sun the same way, why do some planets turn on their axis backwards?
- how did the solar wind separate the chemicals to create the planets... and why aren't all the planets made of the same materials?
(btw guys, take a bunch of rock, dirt, sand, gavel, and water, put it in a jar, and swirl it. it'll be evenly distributed.)
- If Carbon dating has fixed rates and works so well, why do people have to date things over and over and over, and end up with vastly different numbers every time?
- what about the dinosaur they dated where one part of it's body was one age and the other part was several million years difference? (yeah... my leg was a little slow to die. NO.)
- how did sediments cut through rock? there would have had to be something to shake the earth or crack it to allow the sediments in there to form. something catastrophic like, say, i don't know, an earthquake, or a fault, or a FLOOD.... just sayin'.
- if trilobites only existed in the first time period and they ALL died, why did we find live ones about ten years ago?
or i could say im good at science, but i suck at the religion of evolution.
more on that later.
So I mentioned the language thing, right? riiight. guess how many times I heard the F-bomb yesterday?!
I don't remember! too many times.
sigh. people are stupid.
i mean really, there are much better words than that. fiddlesticks. that's just discombobulated. oh my lillipop. what the gumbo. you can come up with some very funny catchy un-cuss words to say if you try hard enough.
but people don't like to think... not about bad words, or culture, or the arts, or religion, or science. slam a rock into a molten body of lava. does it make a planet and a moon? no. it makes a molten body of lava with a rock stuck in it until the rock dissolves.
Aug 22, 2010
So I did eventually get the microwave, but of course it’s a three-prong and i can’t plug it into my extension chord.
and my extension chords are crappy… i can’t put stuff all the way in. which is dangerous. I eventually figured out that i just had to push REALLY HARD and it would work.
then i worked out. i got to take a bike ride around campus… and i mean i went everywhere. all over. up and down hills… shoot some of those hills are so steep that i had to hold my breaks down and it was still a little nerve wracking… i’ll get the feel for the roads and then i’ll be fine. let’s just say that it would take me twenty minutes to walk to my one classroom… well on the bike it’ll probably take about four minutes at the most ;) happyday! (of course… then i have to get back up the hill to my dorm.)
after my long and strenuous bike ride (yeah there were a few cars will rolled down windows and screaming guys, but not too many and nothing offensive, thank God.) I hiked back to my dorm (quite literally) and did situps for about four minutes, pushups (like… i think i did fifteen. which is a lot for my skimpy arms) and stretched.
i’m seriously like eight inches away from a split. I used to be able to do a full crossed split and lean forwards, and then kick my back foot up and lean back and touch it to my nose. but seriously? i’m SO tight!
I’ll get it back in a week, though. i swear! (ok so maybe two). with all the hiking ill be doing, hamstrings will be tiiiight… but my butt will look great by Christmas. legs too. yay for living on the top of the hill!
then i painted my nails.
purty. they all have orange flowers with blue centers and green stems. fannncy stuff.
so there was my day :)
Aug 21, 2010
So it’s raining.
I was gonna take a bike ride… guess that’s not happening. buying a microwave from somebody because they have an extra one and mom and dad decided to support a broke college student. so i can’t go down to the cafeteria on my bike really fast and eat because it’s raining. and i can’t walk down in galoshes because i won’t be back in time to buy the microwave.
so i’m hungry.
So it’s raining.
I have this window fan that blows the cool air in and because it’s raining it’s cold.
and i’m bored. there’s a ton of things i have to do, but i can’t do any of them rigt now because i’m waiting for the girl with the microwave to get here. so i can’t get microsoft word loaded on my computer, i can’t pick up my mail key (and thereby check my mailbox) and I can’t go explore the campus and find my classrooms because i have to wait for the girl with the microwave.
at least i have plenty of books to read…………right?
Aug 20, 2010
So I made this t-shirt. It’s black with gold letters and on the back, it says
I AM NOT
in big bold letters! makes me happy… brings me great joy :)
And three people at the event tonight shook my hand or tapped me on the back and told me that they LOVED my shirt… made me very happy :)
I also got a street sign. it says
IN CHRIST ALONE.
people here are friendly.
orientation was really dull, though… because they said the same things OVER AND OVER AND OVER at ALL of the THREE stupid MEETINGS.
Aug 17, 2010
sounds like some deep philosophical thing, right? my desk is not a desk. no actually it’s just that since I’m leaving in… two days? … we’ve started kicking me out of my room. so my sister gets my old desk, and I… don’t really get anything. i just have this pile of crap i have to find something to do with. so i’ve been using the kitchen table.
today mom and i are going to a place called swamphead (not really) and we’re gonna get me some good shoes that don’t hurt my arches. i have bad feet and knees and hips and … well you get the point. i need shoes that keep me alive. :D
and we’re gonna eat lunch out, too.
imma try to get some work done on my HORRENDOUS room, and then later maybe work on my book series? having trouble picking between the mean character who is always talking to me (shut up) and the sweet character who won’t talk to me (please explain what happens next!)
AND OMILOLLIPOP YESTERDAY MY VERA BRADLY TOTE CAME IN! gah it’s so pretty.
this is me.
Aug 16, 2010
i have a donut
because i love donuts
and my mommy bought me a donut
from dunkin donuts
she got me a coolatta
i love her a lott…a
she’s the world’s best momma
for buying donuts and cootattas
(a poem for my mother)
hehe i’m such a good poet.
Aug 14, 2010
i thought i was leaving friday. turns out i’m leaving thursday.
not that i have a problem with that. the sooner, the better. i have to get out of here.
i doubt very seriously i’ll do it, but i’m trying to make some headway on my books. i have this series… the one inspired by voldemort? yeah. that one. i’m tryna finish it before i go to school….hahahhaha riiiiight.
and then there’s the one that the guy from church inspired. tryna get some headway on that.
also been thinking, will i get a chance to thank him, and make up for what i lost when i didn’t the first time? who knows. maybe i’ll never see him again. maybe i’ll publish the book and one day he’ll figure out it was him.
trying not to stress over it. but honestly, that’s the most stressful thing about college right now. not knowing if i’ll ever see him again, ever get to actually learn what kind of person he is, know what his reaction to my thanks would be.
yeah. i’m thinking too hard again.
Aug 13, 2010
I leave next friday! wow! freakish.
Imma miss my boyfriend. he’s sitting here, with his paw on my lap, looking at me lovingly, telling me he adores me.
he’s about a foot and a half, long, black and grey stripes, really hairy, and all he requires is affection and food.
perfect boyfriend, right?
imma miss my boyfriend. probably more than my parents.
but don’t tell them that.
Aug 11, 2010
I still hate boys, you know. especially voldey. have i mentioned voldemort? i think i have, i just haven’t called him that yet. anyway, that’s what i call him. he’s evil. and stupid.
haven’t run into him since that one day… does it make sense to say that that makes it more complicated?
i don’t like complicated.
which is ironic, cuz the character he inspired is complicated too. you’d have to read the book to understand.
and no, i’m not linking it here. so don’t ask.
ok so i actually don’t hate them. that’s just code for i like them. but i sorta hate them too.
im a girl remember? don’t ask me to explain myself.
Aug 3, 2010
That’s what I feel like today.
Because I don’t think I’ve shaved in a week, I need a shower, and I threw a bowl today and I’m COVERED in clay. Like… very covered. Beyond all reason covered.
It’s kinda ridiculous.
And I’m rambling. Because I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. I slept until about 2 or 3 am, then was up all night trying very hard not to think about certain people.
so yeah. I really need to go to college and get out of here.
and I kept dreaming and waking up again… it was like I was dreaming, but lucid. I would dream and when something was happening that I didn’t like, I’d tell myself to wake up and I would. which is kinda cool.
I remember one time, I was sick and I REALLY wanted a sprite. Because when I’m sick, that’s what I drink. Sprite or ginger ale. it feels good on my throat. so I kept getting a large sprite, and almost drinking it, getting this close to a nice refreshing drink… and something would happen, like it would spill or i’d loose it or something.
I made myself wake up. then I grabbed my brother’s sprite from the fridge (keep in mind I never do that… and it’s like 3:30 am) and drank the whole thing. suffice to say mon frere was not all that happy about me drinking his sprite. but man did it feel good!
and I’m reading this silly book right now. It’s called Darcy’s Voyage. it’s a re-write of Pride and Prejudice, where Elizabeth gets sick and Darcy marries her so she can have his wonderful living quarters without risking her reputation. Which I think was silly because he should have just given up his room for her. … but the other thing was, he’s tall and handsome and all these girls are after him… so he got married and put an end to it. of course he promised lizzy he’d have it annulled when they got home and nobody would ever know… but now he’s falling in love with her. it’s a funny cute story. not sure if I like it yet or not.
but i definitely like Mr. Darcy. Always have. Always will.
Haven’t found him yet. Still looking… haven’t found him yet.
Aug 2, 2010
i'm not really in a good mood today. i've got boys on the brain. and books to read that i'm not in the mood for. and knitting projects very overdue.
i think i'll start with the knitting.
(forehead on the keys.)
dear, boys.and i like that shirt a lot. Should maybe wear it more often, yes?
i hate you all.
Because see here’s what happened.
so remember mr. irony, mr “im not going to talk to you for three years and now we’re best friends?” the one who inspired my character and started saying lines from the book?
yes that one.
Voldey. You Know Who.
So. yesterday I saw his mother. she’s a sweet lady. my mom likes her a lot. i saw her and almost had a heart attack thinking he was there too. because in all honesty, the next time i see him, i will probably die and run screaming from the room.
then again that may draw a lot of unnecessary attention. so it may not be the best idea.
and he goes to my sister’s youth group. which is really the only reason i don’t go. because i don’t want to run into him.
so i dropped off the kids at youth group. went to pick him up, praying he wasn’t there. his brother was, but he wasn’t. Thank God.
so the thing is, i’d convinced myself that i didn’t like him, so that i wouldn't like him. but in church we talked about how we are called to like people because Jesus liked people. but if i like him, then i’ll like him.
no you dont. you have no idea what i’m talking about.
shut up, me.
and the thing is, he’s been in my head since i’ve met him. he won’t get out.
i really hope this goes away when i get to school and he’s not around and im not constantly worrying about bumping into him, because he is the last thing i want to think about. really.
<2 (because it’s not quite three)